Estranged daughter & grandkids

by Barbara
(Modesto, CA. USA)

My daughter is 37 y/o and I have an 8 yr. old and 2 yr. old granddaugter. My daughter got into drugs Meth really heavy and stole my life. My life savings, my jewelry but worse of all because I won't allow her in my house again, I can't see my grandkids. Of course, I did go to court and took temporary custody of the babies because she was putting them in danger. And her boyfriend now husband was molesting my 6 y/o at the time. Then she goes and marrires him. She told me she just wants me dead. I took the kids to wake her up to reality. The courts gave them back after 45 days. Now I don't know where they are and no phone numbers. My life is sooo empty because we talked everyday of her life. And the now 8 year old lived with me 99% of the time so I feel like my child has been abducted. I cannot kick the depression and empty life. Being a dedicated Mom and grandmother was my life and the kids kept me smiling. I have fought her habit for 15 years I turned my cheeks too many times. I was sooo hurt, angry and betrayed the hurt and hole in my heart is sooo big. Most days I don't want to wake up and just wish I would just die in my sleep. Nothing seems to help. Bad dreams, worry and I can't pick myself up this time.
I don't know what to do with me.

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Estranged daughter & grandkids

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Jan 15, 2013
 I also miss my grandchildren
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous I am sorry for your great loss in not being allowed to see your grandchildren. This is so cruel. My husband was dying of cancer at the time and My eldest daughter and I had a disagreement and so she stayed away. I was denied seeing my grandchild at the time. She then went on to have a baby girl and phoned her father up to tell him. I felt excluded and hurt as if I didn't matter. All from a daughter who was the best daughter a mother could have. She was PERFECT or so I thought till she got married. Then things changed. We had always had a good relationship but she resented me including anyone else in my life. She felt she should be first. I didn't understand as she had always come first so much so that her brother and sister felt left out. She was my FAVOURITE. Only because she was such a special child to bring up. She was co-operative. Always did the right thing. Since her father died 8 months ago she came back and I am able to continue showering her with gifts and Love. But sad that my husband missed out on her coming to the house when he was dying of cancer. He felt bad about this. This hurts me. It is such a cruelty for a grandmother to be deprived of seeing her grandchildren. If things did not change my grandchildren would have become strangers to me and this would hurt more. I am sorry for your loss.
Jan 13, 2013
 i also miss my grandchildren
by: Anonymous

i know exactly how you feel. I do not see my grandchildren or daughter My daughter has three beautiful children but sadly they all have different fathers. The last time my daughter got pregnant i was so angry because the other two children were on the protection register due to emotional harm. I was the main carer of the children during this time.two years ago my daughter forbid me seeing the children and refuses me to write to them or sending them birthday/Christmas cards or presents. the children must think i don't care about them as my daughter has not told them she has stopped all communication. this is what hurts the most. I have fallen into a deep depression and feel life is not worth living.I just live in hope that one day i will see them all
Oct 27, 2012
 Estranged daughter & Granddaughters
by: Barbara

This entire month has been total misery for me. I can't think, I can't sleep, I don't want to see anybody. My entire core inside me feels empty.
I can't find my high spirit I always had and my soul isn't there anymore. I don't have the space or the time to say what all my only grown daughter has done to me. She wishes me death. I worked sooo hard for over 40 years to make a good home, the right schools, dancing lessons (to give her confidence). I was married nine years before I got pregnant on purpose because I wanted everything paid for before I brought a child into this world. I wanted to stay home with her and be a good Mom totally involved not to control but give her all the chances in life I didn't get. And she through it all away like trash. Drugs and thugs were more important. She was tall beautiful and wonderful personality until the drugs stole her soul. Now she has two little girls and her head is so messed up and now she hates me. I was bitter with her and felt so betrayed then I after all this time: I am angry with myself because I betrayed myself. I put myself in 2nd position and she just **ssed in my eyes. She now is trying to kill me in another way. She knows the most important thing to me is my only daughter and my two little granddaughters. So she is killing me slowly. This is how I feel most of the time, then other days I say to myself" don't let her do this and rise above it all. But I can't find the strength to do that anymore. I pray I can get a backbone again and rise above all this.
Please, you all pray for me to guide me and pull me up out of this hole I'm in.
Aug 17, 2012
 Estranged daughter and grandkids.
by: Barbara

Yesterday was such a horrible day. I slept all day and all night. Just to keep the ugly thoughts out of my head. I don't know how much longer I can handle this pain in my heart. Just the thoughts of the holidays coming is messing up my head. I was such a big part in getting my granddaughter of to school and all the functions she had going on. I miss her hugs and kisses.
Just watching TV and seeing all that is going on with the kids, I miss seeing her excited about school. And I missed her birthday this month.
She always made me happy and smile and was so warm and loving. I know she is hurting inside as much as I am. I wish my daughter knows the damage she is doing to this child. I had her in my house for 7 years and I was always the stable one in her life. I am sooo tired of this grief and feeling sooo alone. My daughter wants me dead. And she is killing one paper cut a time. I spend all my waking hours trying to figure out what to do with me...but my anxiety is sooo high I can't think straight. I feel my entire family has died.
Aug 12, 2012
 Estranged daughter & grandkids.
by: by Doreen for Barbara

Barbara, I am glad you are in a somewhat better place now with your grief. Anger is normal in grief. and it is good your anger came out. I guess you feel better and can see things more clearly. You are right. Our Adult children can manipulate in ways that are destructive. It is HEALTHY for you to distance yourself from her. I know how you feel when you say you invest 40yrs. into your daughter and it gets thrown down the toilet. You were broken into pieces. It is almost as if those 40yrs. did not exist. God knows and sees all. Nothing goes unnoticed. I am happy your focus has changed and now you are establishing Boundaries where you will put your needs foremost. You need to look after YOU!!!. This trial will have made you stronger. EVIL is at work in all families because Satan's job is to destroy families whilst he has the time to. In my own experience I have lost people when I needed them most and this made me hurt and angry. But I also see this as God's way of separation so that He can deal with each person in isolation so that his works will be perfected as the days are short. This works for me. My daughter has come back. Perhaps not in the way I wanted. BUT SHE IS BACK. I have learned and everyone has learned from the separation. Oh I could get angry and distance myself because my husband had cancer for 3 years and could have done with her here for him and to let him see his grandchildren. I in anger one day said that if she came back I would not entertain her. Her Dad was robbed of his grandchildren and I hurt for my husband so I felt I should not benefit now. You know what? I see things differently. As hard as it is. It is about me doing the right thing. Being available. doing my best. But maintaining boundaries. YOU go on and build your life and surround yourself with caring, loving people. When your daughter sees that you don't need her. She will return. She will become the loser and have lost those valuable years she can't get back.
It is not an easy place to be and to have to be alone doing it. I am in the same place as you. Even if my daughter did not return I made up my mind to move forward in the best way I could. You invested Years that God will take into account and He won't see as wasted years gone down the toilet. When we as parents have passed away it is then the investment will count. It counts for ETERNITY. God will take those broken pieces and put them back together again.
Aug 11, 2012
 Estranged daughter & grandkids.
by: Barbara

I'm doing much better lately. I have decided I was so angry, hurt and betrayed. The conclusion is the ones you love the most are the ones that can hurt you the most. There is nothing I can do and if I try to mend it she will fall right back into the trap of manipulation and using the kids as ponds. I just need to heal and try to build a new life for myself. I devoted almost 40 years of my life to her and she just threw all my hard work down the toilet and broke me into pieces.
Evil is at work here and I have to put up my shield and take care of me. I leave it to God. And I surrender.
Aug 07, 2012
 Give Until it Hurts US
by: Judith in California

Barbara, please read "A Different Kind of Loss" that I wrote in the section called Lost Relationship (other than death.) It will open a world of different thinking to you (i hope). Sometimes we have to let go and let God and let them make their own mistakes no matter how grievous. We can't just keep enabling them to do as they will. We give and give and give until it hurts.. US. IT also hurts them because we don't let them take care of thier own stuff as they would have to in this world. No one rescues an adult . It's worse for those who have grandchildren at stake because they are the real victims and helpless to do or make a decision on their own in the messy matter.

I pray God will see you through this and that you find a resolve to it all...one day at a time. Yes, it hurts but we must be strong and do waht we know deep down is good for them and sometimes that is nothing. WE pray they will wake up before it's too late.
Aug 07, 2012
 Estranged daughter and grandkids.
by: Doreen U.K.

Hi Barbara, I read your reply and I had to write back. SUICIDE is not the answer it achieves nothing. URGENTLY See a Counsellor to support you in this awful grief you are overflowing from. You did not betray your daughter by putting her needs before yours. THIS IS WHAT MOMS DO. Please! Please! do not hold yourself responsible for what is going on with your daughter. Your reply is almost identical to mine. DO NOT BE HARD ON YOURSELF. Your concern for your daughter tells me you are A GREAT MOTHER. Otherwise you would have walked away and you would not be relaying your story here. YOU ARE SHARING WITH US BECAUSE YOU CARE!!!!! WE CARE ALSO ABOUT YOU AND YOUR GRIEF!!!! You are not a Whiner!!! and you are not airing your dirty laundry in public!!! You are a very desperate mother overflowing with pain. You are doing the best thing by letting others know what is going on so that we can support you. God is trying to save you. so He put you here so we could care for you. Please let us help you all we can. It matters not what we are going through. It is when we help others that we become what God wants us to be. God says "I want you to go and comfort others with the comfort that I have shown you." this is what we are meant to do. My mission in life is to help others. that means YOU!!! My daughter was so kind and loving. I can't believe she is the same daughter. You are not bringing others down when their life is good. Because this is not so. Some of us have miserable lives. Not everyone has children that turn out good. AS MOTHER'S WE DID OUR BEST WITH WHAT WE HAD. There are NO PERFECT PEOPLE in the world. Which is why we need a Saviour in Jesus Christ. JUST PRAY EARNESTLY for your daughter to be saved and your Prodigal return. this is all us mother's can do. My Prodigal left, returned, and left again when his Dad died 12 weeks ago. We have to let our children go. They are responsible and accountable for their own lives. On judgement Day we all stand before God and give an account of our lives. My children can't blame me. Your daughter can't blame you. JESUS SAYS TO ALL. COME UNTO ME ALL YE WHO ARE HEAVY LADEN AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST. All a mother can do is hand over her children to God and ask Him to keep his mighty hand on them always. You say you feel Lost and Alone. Please get either Counselling or Pastoral care/support. I am just so sorry I am not close to you otherwise I would come alongside you and support you FULLY. Please email me anytime. I won't be shocked, and I won't Judge you. I will try my best to SUPPORT you in any way you need. Even if it is to pour out your heart. All on this grief site will support you.
Aug 07, 2012
 estranged daughter and grandchildren
by: Barbara

I don't know how to comment back to the ones who added comments to my page. I wanted to write back to the ones who offered support.
Thank You for responding. Unless somebody has walked in these shoes they don't know the emptiness and hurt that goes with this.
My daughter wants me to die. And at so many times I want to die. I don't want to go away with suicide. But it is killing me like a million paper cuts at a time.
I devoted myself to her for 37 years and when she stole from me and abused me in ways that no parent should ever endure. The first year I felt "she" betrayed me. However, I have finally reached a conclusion...I betrayed myself. I always put her needs before mine and tried to give her the life I never had. I never had anything growing up so I gave her everything to give her the greatest opportunities I never had. I suppose she took it as control and when I stopped helping because I realized I was a ultimate enabler and codependent it made her very angry. All I wanted in life was to be a great Mother and enjoy my grandchildren in my later years. Now, I will be homeless soon I have lost the fight I used to have. My spirit is gone and the energy I used to have has wained. I don't like to be one to air my dirty laundry to my friends so it's my fault I have ignored all my friends because of their safety. My daughter was carring a machate and the drug dealers were bothering me. I couldn't tell anybody what I was going thru. I have been going to church and I pray daily for guidance. I don't want to be a whiner and bring others down while their life is good. They haven't ever had this kind of burden, their kids have turned out well. My daughter used to be so beautiful inside and out and sooo kind.
Now, the drugs have taken her life over. And I can't make her let me see the kids. One I don't even know where they are. I have a rash all over my entire body and my whole body hurts. I have no insurance. I feel so lost and alone.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Aug 06, 2012
 Estranged daughter and grandkids.
by: Doreen U.K.

Barbara I am so sorry for your loss of your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren.
Your story is similar to mine. Only my children were not on drugs. They had an absent father because he was working all over the world for the last 40 years. I became mother and father. So I was strict for their father. When this happens children become teenagers and then try to rule the roost. I maintained my control as a parent and my children didn't like this. they displayed difficulties. My daughter made life easier as a parent because she was so obedient. She then got married and changed. I had the most perfect Birthday, anniversary, Xmas Cards ever a parent could want. We were close enough for her to ask me for my credit card. I gave it, but declined this in the future as my husband Steve was angry about this. I also declined my daughter one Christmas visit as I wanted to offer this to my son and his girlfriend. My daughter has held this against me and stayed away for 3 yrs. Her father was dying of cancer. She phoned up to tell Steve she had given birth to a daughter. STeve went out to the car to see the baby. I was left out. my daughter would send her father gifts for birthday and Xmas and leave me out. This was my perfect favourite daughter. After my husband died 12 weeks ago. she came for the funeral and now disappeared. I don't get to see my grandchildren. My son is another story. I have let my 2 Adult children go. Oh Yes! I feel like you do. hurt angry, wish I could die now I have lost my husband of 44yrs marriage. I feel like moving far away and not leaving a forwarding address. Putting new people in my life to replace the 2 children who don't want me. I didn't abandon my children I devoted my whole life to them. As a mother we know what sacrifice is. I do want to disappear out of their world. If they ever come looking for me. I will be SILENT. As one woman expressed well. "I DON'T WANT TO KEEP PUTTING FIRES OUT." All we can do is to DEVOTE our lives to something significant. My dream would be to go to a war torn country and devote my life to giving to others who would value this. As mother's our life was a MISSION. We have fullfilled our MISSION IN LIFE. Like you said. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME." This is what we have to figure out now. What to do with ourselves and our life to make it count and be valuable to US.
Aug 05, 2012
 I am so sorry
by: Nancy

Addictions are so hard to face they make you feel like your dead without the luxury of a funeral. There was a period of time...that I went to a group in my area called Families Anonymous...they supported families with addictions. I only had to stop because I could not get up and down the stairs. In my area most of the groups were held in church basements. The support I received was like known other. The men and women really understood what I was going through - and it was not limited to group meetings - most of the members made themselves available 24/7 via the phone. For myself it was important not to be alone with my own thoughts because I could drive myself into the land of craziness. I had to realize just how co-dependent I was. How my need to look after my child and even my grand child and putting their needs before my own was so upsetting to my own physical, mental, and spiritual and financial well being. I had to find my own happiness independent of them. I needed to let go of them only to find them in a new way. I had to love me... and love them in a new way. I had found a new relationship with my daughter - her husband and my grandchild...they continued to do what they did...and I needed to let them...they still did what they did...and eventually their child was apprehended by the Ministry of Child and Family Services but I did not have to feel guilty...someone else is holding them accountable for the choices that they are making...my grandchild is being taken care of by a great couple who love him dearly... It is not easy in any sense of the word but it is better than trying to live I life were all I was doing was trying to put out fires all the time and never feeling like I was good even for anyone including myself. My grandchild is thriving in his new environment - his parents are getting the support they need and I feel at peace...I hope you get something out of this ....you are not alone...there are many of us out here that are suffering not from our own addictions but from the avails from our children...my best suggestion is keep talking...here, there... and anywhere people will listen....
I am praying for you Nancy
Aug 05, 2012
 Such pain
by: Kerry

When i read your story i shrank inside from the terrible grief and pain you are going through. Despite this i had to respond, to tell you i admire your bravery and tenacity, doing what you could to help those you love. I will pray for you, your daughter and granddaughters, in the hope that you get some form of contact. you must try to stay strong for that, i think you can do it, look what you did for those you loved already.
Nurture yourself, take time to do something nice for yourself, if a person gives to others but reserves nothing for themselves how can they replenish their strength. Things change all the time, your granddaughters will remember your love, somewhere beyond her addiction, so does your daughter. Yours is a hard path but stay with us and you will not travel it alone.
K xxx

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