Every day is a new piece. Every day we grow a little bit more.
[It's been awhile, and this is long, I guess I'm catching up a little...]
I was reminded of a random memory of my dad the other night. It made me smile, it was a good one. I was thinking of the times I would go to my dad's house and he was supposed to bring me home on Sunday's, but sometimes he'd keep me just a little bit longer until Monday morning before he had work. I remember how it felt to have someone wake up that early and get in the car and go. He would always wake me up in the perfect amount of time so I could eat a bowl of cereal and brush my teeth. And on the way home, he would tell me stories. He had the best stories. This memory made me happy.
Then my mom was telling me how when I come home she wants to celebrate Grampa's 78th birthday and get him a big cake, it was so sweet how excited she was. And it hit really hard, that my mom who is in her 40s still gets to celebrate her dad's birthday and throw him a party and give him a hug and talk to him on the phone and visit him on weekends. Yet, I, a 20 yr old girl, haven't been able to do that in over a year, and I will never be able to do that again. And it isn't that I wish that she didn't have her dad or that I'm angry at her, it's the fact that I'm jealous that she has so much time with her father, with my grandfather. It's terrible that a grandfather will live longer than a father, it's like parent living longer than their child...
And it really does sicken me how little people appreciate their parents. Even if they weren't the best parent in the world, they were still there for you, they still raised you and loved you, how dare you treat them with such respect? I would give anything to see my dad again, but I don't get that choice. I would do anything, give up everything to have that ability, but I never will. And I've accepted that, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and sting. It doesn't mean I don't cry every now and then. I've been realizing that I have a lot of internal problems - I overstress myself for no reason, I have low self-confidence and self-image, and I just bring myself down a lot; and, I've been wondering, 'why do I do this to myself? Why do I stress myself over something so small? What happened to me being so laid back?'
And maybe it is because I'm still so broken. to be honest, none of us are ever going to be completely healed, there will always be that scar. But maybe it isn't about having all the pieces put together in the right order and so perfectly placed... Maybe it's about being able to get through the days, slowly, and find new pieces to add on to ourselves and not cover up that scar in our heart, but build around it... And grow.