Every day is a new piece. Every day we grow a little bit more.

by KH
(West Coast)

[It's been awhile, and this is long, I guess I'm catching up a little...]
I was reminded of a random memory of my dad the other night. It made me smile, it was a good one. I was thinking of the times I would go to my dad's house and he was supposed to bring me home on Sunday's, but sometimes he'd keep me just a little bit longer until Monday morning before he had work. I remember how it felt to have someone wake up that early and get in the car and go. He would always wake me up in the perfect amount of time so I could eat a bowl of cereal and brush my teeth. And on the way home, he would tell me stories. He had the best stories. This memory made me happy.
Then my mom was telling me how when I come home she wants to celebrate Grampa's 78th birthday and get him a big cake, it was so sweet how excited she was. And it hit really hard, that my mom who is in her 40s still gets to celebrate her dad's birthday and throw him a party and give him a hug and talk to him on the phone and visit him on weekends. Yet, I, a 20 yr old girl, haven't been able to do that in over a year, and I will never be able to do that again. And it isn't that I wish that she didn't have her dad or that I'm angry at her, it's the fact that I'm jealous that she has so much time with her father, with my grandfather. It's terrible that a grandfather will live longer than a father, it's like parent living longer than their child...
And it really does sicken me how little people appreciate their parents. Even if they weren't the best parent in the world, they were still there for you, they still raised you and loved you, how dare you treat them with such respect? I would give anything to see my dad again, but I don't get that choice. I would do anything, give up everything to have that ability, but I never will. And I've accepted that, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and sting. It doesn't mean I don't cry every now and then. I've been realizing that I have a lot of internal problems - I overstress myself for no reason, I have low self-confidence and self-image, and I just bring myself down a lot; and, I've been wondering, 'why do I do this to myself? Why do I stress myself over something so small? What happened to me being so laid back?'
And maybe it is because I'm still so broken. to be honest, none of us are ever going to be completely healed, there will always be that scar. But maybe it isn't about having all the pieces put together in the right order and so perfectly placed... Maybe it's about being able to get through the days, slowly, and find new pieces to add on to ourselves and not cover up that scar in our heart, but build around it... And grow.

Comments for Every day is a new piece. Every day we grow a little bit more.

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Mar 22, 2011
getting back our self esteem
by: Anonymous

KH,

I know how it is to change with grief. I have the 15.5 months since I lost my Love. I kept asking myself the same things...What is wrong with me? Why can't I snap out of this? Not grief, just what grief had changed me into.
A quivering mess of emotions with no self esteem or confidence. You know that is not how I was.
I kept things going when he was sick and now I forget to pay the bills, do the check book for a month at a time. I feel ashamed of what I have become and how neat and tidy he kept things. Yet I don't really care like I should. Don't worry its all part of grief and we are not functioning at our best now. We will come around with time and you will make it through your grandpas B.D. You will paste a smile on but inside wish that you could celebrate...anything with your dad. I do too K. I miss him so. But know that I Love you and am so proud of how far you have come.
HH

Mar 22, 2011
We're All On This Journey
by: Pat

We are all trying to make some sense out of the loss of our loved one. It's only been 4 months for me. It's so hard to wake up each day without my husband by my side.
I think the best we can do is do our best ~ make your dad proud (you know~give him something to brag about up there in heaven). It's hard to be strong some days. We know we're working through our grief when a remembrance brings a smile to our face and not tears.
Grief is the price tag on love. The more we loved the greater the price we pay when our loved ones aren't with us any longer.
You sound like a very level headed smart young lady. I wish you all the best life has to offer. God's blessings to you. PJ

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