Every day is a struggle

by Carol , Seans mom
(Bellingham, mass)

Hello. My name is Carol. I lost my beautiful 24 year old son almost five months ago. Life is very difficult now and feels so sereal. I was a proud mother of three beautiful children. Sean was my oldest and only son. He left behind two beautiful sisters. I lived to be a mom. Life without Sean in it is very different. I don't have the attitude of I can make it better, Things will be ok. They just are not. Sean's birthday is April 6th. He would of been turning 25. We had already made plans for his birthday around the same time as mine in October. I knew what he wanted to try and accomplish in 2012 and I told him I would do what I could to help. Sean leaned on me with certain life struggles. It is not easy today being a 24 year old young man with the way our world has become. He wanted a home and a family and he put alot of pressure on himself. I would always tell him Be Patient, You are Young, You have Time. Little did I know. I feel like everything I have worked hard at in my life has been destroyed. I feel defeated. I have two great daughters to live for but they definitely are not getting the mom they should and would have if not for this tragedy. I am stuck in grief. I am full of pain,sadness and panic. I have alot of anger towards life now. I see everyone else go on like life is good and my insides scream. Don't they know what I have lost. Don't they care. I have learned life is not stopping for any of us. I have alot of anxiety with Sean's birtday approaching. How strange his first birthday that he will miss is Good Friday. Jesus came back from the dead. Sometimes I think maybe I will get that miracle. I feel like I am going crazy. I love my son and I want him back. I want to hug him and tell him I will try to make things O.K. I can not do that with him not here. I have no energy. My doctor says to try and get some exercise. I use to all the time. I have no motivation. I am worried about what my future holds now. Life is a struggle. Wish me luck this week with his birthday approaching. We are having a balloon release with a really good response. Hopefully that will get me threw that day. I just have to figure out the rest. I love you my hansome young man. I can not believe you are gone. I am not doing well without you. I needed you as much as you needed me. I hope you know that.

Comments for Every day is a struggle

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Apr 24, 2012
My Son is gone
by: Tina

I have been reading some of your stories. I lost my Son the 7th of January 2012. He spend 36 days in Hospice melting away right in front of me. He suffered from Cystic Fibrosis and after 4 collapsed lungs and one lung transplant his lungs finally gave up. Helpless I stood there day after day and watched my baby suffer. I am also a soldier and was stationed overseas. I flew home for 5 days and he left me while I was awaiting my flight to come back to him. Still even though I was not there to see him take his last breath I was up in the sky and I felt like he was right there with me. High fiving me into heaven.
Now I am here, here where him and I lived together. Tony needed me, sometimes way to much but I was always there for him, for all the football games and emergency room visits through every surgery and fun birthdays he could always count on me. He was a bundle of live and never ever gave up on anything. Yet the more he tried the sicker he got, the more he tried the more people disappointed him.
I cannot express how I feel, some days I feel like someone reached into my insides and ripped my heart out and just left me there. I hear people saying time will heal, this will get better, and you need to be strong... What is really wrong with them? Don't they know what kind of bond I had with my baby? He's been sick since I was 3 month pregnant. I watched him grow inside me every month I saw him on the screen. I raised him to be able to live strong and except his Cystic Fibrosis as a blessing to make him a stronger man. I always held his hand, when times were ruff I was there cleaning him changing him supporting him making him laugh. Even the last time I saw his pretty face I told him to be strong and hang in there for me. He barely knew who I was.
I have No idea how to go on, I am losing all my friends because they are tired of my lack of motivation. I just don't want to do nothing anymore. Nothing, I have no purpose in life without him. For 25 years it was all about Tony. Everything was about him. I don't know who I am without him. What am I without him??
How can a mother lose a child? Why is that possible? Saying I miss him is a understatement. I hurt for him. I feel like my insides are bleeding out. I want to hold him, talk our long talks, fuzz over dinner choices, remind him to take his meds, tell him to check his sugar, ask him if he saw that movie, find out how his weekend went. Tell him to clean his room and organize his meds again. Ask him to detail my truck, listen to the songs he created. He made the most beautiful gospel songs.
And just to make things even worse. His brother is 24 and is suffering from the same ugly disease. There is no way I could go through this again. He has to get better and stay with me. I don’t know anymore. I hate all this so much. I want to wake up. By time I moved back here and got everything settled it's been 2 weeks since I'm settled and I cna't stand being here

Apr 24, 2012
Heartbroken and guilty
by: Anonymous

I too lost my child, he was 28 years old and my youngest son(Ted). I adored him, he was so gentle and kind and I guess this life was too harsh for him. I am wrecked with grief and guilt that he didn't feel he could come to me with any problems, I would have gladly died in his place. The police say he drove his car into a bridge and because he was driving a new car, the air bags saved him, but then he walked off the bridge and drowned. I have so many if onlys, if only someone could have saved him, if only he was more hurt when the car crashed, he would have been taken to the hospital and got help, but no, it was not to be. What happened??? I will never know. My imagination screams. He was an electrician and had worked in Alberta, but decided to attend a 2 yr advanced course in Ontario to get a specialized job and he seemed so excited about this, he was on the dean's list. We were very proud of him. I did always worry about his wanting to be on his own so much but I thought, oh well, that's just the way he is, so independent. I never thought in my wildest dreams that this would ever happen to our family. At first I just kept saying, thank you Lord for the wonderful 28 years you gave us with him, but then later, I became less thankful and am fighting bitterness everyday. Now I don't want to go to church to worship, I know that I am acting like a bad kid, but I just don't care even if God looks down in disappointment of me. I am so thankful for my other wonderful children and grandchildren, I know I need to go on for them, but the deep joy is gone forever. Some days I think when life is over, I will be glad. But I keep these dark thoughts mostly to myself, as I believe other people will have their own griefs and my life should not be to add to their grief but to bring happiness where I can. It is true that in some ways time has helped but there is still the great sadness and with me so much guilt. This is the first time I have written anything down about this, I've been given beautiful books to write down all the wonderful things I remember about Ted, but I just can't bear to do that yet, so painful.

Apr 04, 2012
May god heal your broken heart
by: Cathy

Hi Carol, this is Brandon mom. I know the feeling My angels birthday is on 16th of this of this month and i have mixed feelings as the day comes closer ,i remember his 21st birthday last year, how hay he was and where is he now i dont know what i can do for him. How do i wish him and tell him i miss him and love him, i am lost. others want you to be normal and talk to them like i used to do before, but i doubt if we can ever be the same like we used to be before. My youngest son is 7 years old and he says mama why are you always sad, he cannot understand what is wrong with his mama. I have created a memorial website in memory of my son Brandon that is brandon-fernandes.lastmemories.com

Apr 03, 2012
by: MaryAnn

I too am struggling, I lost my son on January 17, 2012, his name was John. He had come to live with us 2 years ago to help me with his Dad who was having major health issues. It really was a blessing he was there. Once his Dad got okay it seemed that John was able to think again. I found him in my sewing room as he had a heart attack. Unknown that he was having problems. I just feel drained of life. I have a wonderful relationship with my Lord but I still struggle. I will pray for you as that I know will help me also. The day will come when we will be with them.
Love and prayers to you

Apr 02, 2012
by: Anonymous

Hi Carol,
I would not know how to comment to loss of a child. I however have gone through a different kind of grief. On 13th May 2008, my kid brother, big brother and mum were gunned down by masked assassins. It was my big brother's birthday and my sister had just called inquiring on whether the day had gone well. I got the call at around 9 pm after dinner and was in utter shock for the longest time ever.I was also 3 months pregnant. I have had my days...some of them I had to lock myself in the shower and howl on my knees..then i would dry myself up and go attend to my son...some days i would be in traffic and one of their favorite songs would play and I would be oblivious to the hooting traffic behind me as I clutched the steering wheel and cried..You will have those moments and please allow yourself to vent out the emotions and never apologize even if it takes you a decade to get to your comfort zone.

Apr 01, 2012
Goid Idea about the balloon release
by: Nancy

The idea of the balloon release is good. The other thing the I have found good is to write love letters telling the individuals that I have lost all the things that I have needed to share with them and then send them on fire. I have found that to be very empowering. I call it sending it via God mail. The other thing that I have done is made up act of kindness cards - with a picture of an angel on it and their belly button birthday and the date of their passing. Then on those date I would go out and do some act of kindness to a stranger - pay a restaurant meal, pay a parking meter, a grocery bill etc. without the individual knowing and just leaving the card in place. It allows the individual to think about my loved one if only for that brief minute and it allows me to feel that their are still sharing their love today. I have also been known to take a piece of their clothing a made a pillow or stuff animal and keep it close to me.
It does not infringe on any one else and allows me to honor their memory in my own way. I hope some of these suggests help. God will help you through this messy time. If you just ask...I am praying for you. Nancy.

Apr 01, 2012
so sorry
by: Anonymous

I have some of the exact same feelings about my sister. She died 2 yrs ago & we share a birthday. I was born on her 7th birthday. Her death was a shock, right out of the blue. I had so many plans for us. I had a dream last night that she didn't really die, she just pretended to. I wonder how life can ever be right again & am scared of the future. I have so much anxiety about things going wrong it seems like they're always going wrong. Try to be good to yourself, patient & understanding w all you r going thru. people care, sometimes they don't know what to do & they know there's nothing anyone can really do other tahn a kind word or gesture.

Apr 01, 2012
I know
by: Anonymous

Carol - dont think to far ahead just one day at a time. I lost my son 14 months ago and his nborthday was actually 5 months after his passing as well. Forever 28 - I still say to this day and it is gut wrenching. Oh how i relate to time passing by-and its like everyone sees through you but they dont see you. I think people are afraid to look at us - for fear it could happen to them. Because I never thought it would happen to me and my family,. There is nothing you could have done or changed. I truly believe it is Gods chose date when we are born and when we go home to him. Please hold firm in that belief to get you through. The more I put my faith in God the more peace he instills in my heart. God Bless you Carol. Ryans Mom.

Apr 01, 2012
by: Vickie

Hi Carol, I read your letter about your son. I am so, very sorry. Everything you said is how I felt after losing my 26 yr. old daughter two and half yr's ago, in an awful car wreck. None of it seemed real, for the longest time.

Your life right now probably feels hopeless. I imagine that you would just as soon be done with this world right now, if you could. I thought I would Never feel hopeful again. Never..but I did. I wish I could tell you that it will happen soon -but I can't. We all grieve at our own pace. I can tell you that with time I did find Hope again. The desire to keep going. My first thoughts are no longer my daughters accident when I wake in the morning ,or fall asleep at night. I still have days that are a struggle and I can get blindsided when I don't expect it. Not as often though. It has been a long difficult road but I have survived it. I have one older daughter and my daughter that died, left behind a little girl. I knew that I had to keep it together for them. I know that painted on smile all to well. Most all of us do here. I understand the uncontrollable feeling of wanting to scream and shake everyone around you. I felt like an alien. Here my whole world had been turned upside down and destroyed and people were still moving on. I was dumb enough to think that there would be more compassion for myself. That friends and family would understand my enormous loss and reach out more. I soon discovered that most people were mostly words. I have a few people who have been there the whole time, but most I think feel awkward and don't know what to say-so, they say nothing. Like my daughter never existed. I realized that this road I was on ,was going to be rough and I had to ignore people who had no clue. Not worth the exhaustion. It takes time. You have lost your child and it has only been five mo's. Give yourself time. Don't put any pressure you don't have to on yourself. Some days you will be numb-that's okay. I believe it's a way our body protects itself. You might want to ck. into a support group in your area, if you haven't already. I hear some are better than others. There are books also to help. And of course-here.
Try and remember that your not totally alone. I know that it feels that way.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Birthdays, holidays,etc.. are the hardest. Try and surround yourself with friends and loved ones.

Prayers and love, Vickie ps. personal email -if you want to contact me. vjh829@yahoo.com

Apr 01, 2012
my darling son Brendon
by: Vicky

Hi Carol, we have just had Brendon's birthday on Saturday, he died on the 4th of Dec 2011, you have just described just how I feel, we had all his friends around and let 27 balloons with a card that everyone had written on the we toasted to Brendon with Dr Pepper his favourite drink, it was his day and I amazed myself with how strong I was on the day, his father cried for the first time, he was trying to be strong for me for months and felt he could cry because I was strong. Just remember Sean will be with you on the day so make the day for him and don't let him see you cry. Brendon sent me so many signs on the day that he was there you would be amazed. stay strong.

Apr 01, 2012
by: Catherine K

I am feeling the same way you are. I lost my beautiful daughter Stephanie on November 15th 2011 and also a 26 year old son in 1997. I thought I would never get through Stephen's death but somehow I did as time goes by.
Stephanie is different. She depended on me a lot and now there is a huge void. Today is my birthday and I woke up hoping to hear her voice on the phone wishing me Happy Birthday Mom but it never came. It was the same on her birthday. I know the anxiety you feel and just wanting Sean back.
I try to distract myself by reading to take me away from all the thoughts in my head.
I have one daughter left and I go on for her and you need to do the same for your daughters. It takes a long time but the feelings you have are normal and as strange as it may seem one day you will be able to smile again and remember all the good things about him.
I am saying a prayer for you and letting you know that I am thinking about you .You will see Sean again in Heaven. I believe that.
God bless and love from another grieving Mom.

Apr 01, 2012
The Struggle Continues.....
by: TrishJ

I think our minds and bodies mercifully go into a safe state of shock to protect us after we lose our loved ones.
Some days I feel as if things are getting worse instead of better. As the time goes on we come realize the intensity of our loss. The loss of my husband is dominating my life at this point.
We have to just do the best we can. Yes Sean would want you to be happy. My husband would want me to be happy. Unfortunately it's almost impossible to be happy without them. How are we supposed to be happy with our hearts torn out of our chests?
We have to learn to do it all over again. We have to be strong. It's hard most days. I have one good day followed by three bad days. I'm trying. I'm hanging in there. You too Carol. We have to keep plugging along.
I hope you find something to smile about today. God bless.

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