Everyday emptiness :(
Five years ago my beautiful 18 year old son died suddenly in an accident. No fault of his just wrong place wrong time. I can remember standing on the road that night looking down the road at a white sheet covering someone on the road and being told that was my baby . I didnt feel pain, I didnt feel sorrow I just felt a great emptyness . I knew immediatley that there was nothing I could do I couldnt put a bandage on it I couldnt kiss it better and it sucked.
The last five years I wake up and he is my first thought ,I think of him all day and last thing before I go to sleep.
When Im by myself I find myself talking to him asking him what he thinks but there is never that answer just occasionaly that sense that just maybe he is around me still. They say people can die of a broken heart that is so true if I hadnt had a daughter planning to get married I dont know if I could of gone on. But somehow I stumble through each day putting on my game face as I call it and I face the day.
One of my friends once said to me "You could win an Oscar as no-one would know the turmoil within. I learnt to hide it very quickly as everyones lifes went on and mine just stopped.
I had a life surrounded by awesome friends and family then learnt the hard lesson of life that when the going gets tough the rest just get going. I learnt that blood is not thicker than water and that family will be quite ready to rip the rest of your heart out and leave you stranded.
Thankfully a young friend suggested blogging to me and Im hoping it will help. I know there are thousands of other mothers that have simular stories but some how in your own mind you think you are the only person that hurts I know thats not true but its just so goddam hard sometimes........