Everyday emptiness :(

by carol
(New Zealand)

Five years ago my beautiful 18 year old son died suddenly in an accident. No fault of his just wrong place wrong time. I can remember standing on the road that night looking down the road at a white sheet covering someone on the road and being told that was my baby . I didnt feel pain, I didnt feel sorrow I just felt a great emptyness . I knew immediatley that there was nothing I could do I couldnt put a bandage on it I couldnt kiss it better and it sucked.
The last five years I wake up and he is my first thought ,I think of him all day and last thing before I go to sleep.
When Im by myself I find myself talking to him asking him what he thinks but there is never that answer just occasionaly that sense that just maybe he is around me still. They say people can die of a broken heart that is so true if I hadnt had a daughter planning to get married I dont know if I could of gone on. But somehow I stumble through each day putting on my game face as I call it and I face the day.
One of my friends once said to me "You could win an Oscar as no-one would know the turmoil within. I learnt to hide it very quickly as everyones lifes went on and mine just stopped.
I had a life surrounded by awesome friends and family then learnt the hard lesson of life that when the going gets tough the rest just get going. I learnt that blood is not thicker than water and that family will be quite ready to rip the rest of your heart out and leave you stranded.
Thankfully a young friend suggested blogging to me and Im hoping it will help. I know there are thousands of other mothers that have simular stories but some how in your own mind you think you are the only person that hurts I know thats not true but its just so goddam hard sometimes........

Comments for Everyday emptiness :(

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Oct 06, 2012
Everyday emptiness
by: Anonymous

I want to tell you that I'm so sorry for your loss and , that I to know how you feel with the loss of an adult child myself. The pain and greif is overwhelming at times. Still thses feelings will be with us for the rest of our lives. Somehow each one of us must deal with this endurning pain that will never go away. We must find our own path to accept what has happened and live out our days, until we meet each other again.

Oct 03, 2012
I hate this month :(
by: Anonymous

The month of October has started and with it the feelings become extreme. Every year I tell myself that I will cope better I will be able to move through this month without reliving it over and over again :( I dont know who im trying to kid I do relive it and I do keep thinking about it more.
Im guessing that is just the journey I have to travel every year.
But as each day goes by and the date creeps closer I cant but help reliving it.I remember what we did that month I remember where we went and most of all I remember the pain and how I felt.
This year at your memorial we will have your new baby niece who will start her journey with us remembering you. There are laughs there are smiles but underneath it all there is still the pain and sadness I dont think that will ever go away.
I know you will be so proud of me where ever you are you will be thinking "thats not my mum" I no longer smoke I no longer live on coffee and I now look after myself.
But underneath it all there is still the big gap in my heart that you used to full :(
Next week I will publish a poem that someone gave me just after you died that I think sums it up beautifully its called "My Mum always Lies"

Aug 27, 2012
Life will never be the same
by: Jeny Quebec Canada

Hi Carol

It will be 2 year this coming October 2012. I lost my precious daughter age 29yrs. Tragic Car accident on Halloween day. Her favourite holiday.
Carol our lives will never be the same but I do
believe they are on the other side. Believe and have faith. Our angels are watching over us. Your son and my daughter were special people. They lost life on earth so young because God had better plans for them. Faith is whats keeping me alive. I still go through the bad days but life cannot be controlled. We need to be strong and remember all the good times we had with our loved ones. I pray for you and others living through this. May God Bless us all.


Aug 20, 2012
Everyday emptiness:(
by: Doreen U.K.

Carol I am sorry for your loss of your 18yr. old son by accident. You are a very brave woman to know your son had gone and know you could do nothing but accept this. Acceptance for many of us will take longer to process. Don't try and put on this strong front for everyone whilst you are crumbling on the inside. Having your daughter's wedding to come will create a diversion for a while and this is good. But you need to find yourself a grief counsellor URGENTLY so that you can offload some of your bottled up grief or you will EXPLODE. When the wedding is over it is then that you will need back up support via a counsellor so that you can manage your grief. I know what you say that when it gets tough the tough get going. I hear of this all the time. We are all fractured people. But somehow after a death this fracture seems it is more like the ripples of an earthquake where people disappear in the cracks. I am fortunate that my sisters are more supportive and by my side. If I didn't have this support I would crumble. It is my 3 Adult children I have lost and this hurts. They want to grieve with their partners and after the funeral at the wake. None of them came up to even talk to me. They sat with other people and I was left all alone. it is this emptiness and lonliness that hurts the most. You will wonder how you will go on in life without your son. It won't be easy. It will take a lot of time. But you can come through this. My sister lost her son. He threw himself in front of an express train. She was mad with grief and had to see a grief counsellor. To see her today she is radiant. She will have the scars forever but the loss is less painfull. I say to everyone who loses a child. PLEASE SEE A GRIEF COUNSELLOR. Losing a child is a different pain in grief. I don't think this loss can be managed all by oneself. It is normal to fill your first waking moments with the loss of your son. This will go on all the time. For me doing this after the loss of my husband of 44yrs. marriage is harder because it could make me so subdued that it shuts out those people around me and probably makes them feel insignificant and lost as if they are invisible. THIS IS THE HARD PART OF GRIEF.

Aug 19, 2012
I Know
by: rayolife

I could have written the same words for you. The agony is indescribable. I lost my son 4 years ago David was 28, and surivived the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, then came home only to be killed in a highway accident by a drunk driver! It's a living hell! You never get over it. God help us all.

Aug 19, 2012
every day emptiness
by: Anonymous

Dear grieving Mom
You are right many of us are going exactly through what you are going through, and many of us put the work mask, the neighbor's friend mask and so on. This is the time when you learn who are your true friends and family. For the rest all goes quick for us is a long journey. One thing I tell you this is the time when you discover the strength within you that you did not know you had, seeking new endeavors that somehow might help you and others, Giving in memory of your child, does not have to be material things, but those things that fill the soul and make us feel and find a reason to keep going. Now is your daughter's wedding, then your grand children. Find a cause and make it your goal to make a difference and maybe prevent others from going through what you are going through although we can not change destiny we can impact someone's life and they make a choice. My heart goes out for you, I too lost my son to an accident and I could think of a lot of things I could have done to stop it, but all I have done is give my self greater pain and grief. It has taken a while to come to terms with the fact that if I have had the power to stop it I would have done it but you and I are simply humans with limitations, that as much as we would like to protect our children there is a limit called freedom of will and our children choose where to go what to do. I pray that you find comfort and find many more reasons and ways to honor your son by starting to find a reason to move on and find the time to do something beautiful to honor his memory.
May you find comfort
kindly, Sendy

Aug 19, 2012
Everyday emptiness
by: Ella

I'm so sorry you lost your son...i can not relate cause I do not have children, but i had a beautiful mother of 88 years. She passed on June 8, 2012; I was he care taker for 17 years. I can relate to your comment about family and friends. The friends seem to go back to their lives and my family have left me to handle all the work that has to be done when someone dies. This was job i did not sign up for, but it's has to be done. I'm angry but like you I put on my "work face" to see that the works is done. I'm empty, alone, angry and hurt. I often wish i could just run away, no bodies really cares when it's all said and done. I do not wish to discourage you or make you feel worst...Please accept my apology...We have to keep in mind that it will get better....

Aug 19, 2012
So sorry............
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I just wanted you to know that I will include you in my prayers. Take care & God Bless Jan

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