EVERYTHING is all right
I lost the great love of my life to a sudden heart attack just over 10 months ago. It's been a pretty wild ride since then. I very nearly killed myself in the early days, and all I can say is it's not me that decided not to do it -- Life made it clear it wasn't my time to go.
Recently, at the suggestion of my grief counsellor, I did some dialoguing between what she calls my compassionate realist, and the part of me that was resisting accepting my love's death. I had a huge shift, and want to share where I got to in case it helps others here.
The following is an edited version of my diary entry that evening.
...dialoguing between the part of me that's still in shock, and my compassionate realist. It went really rather well. We had some tears. We realised that Life makes ALL the choices - not just the ones we notice and wish we could make for ourselves. For example, it made the choices that enabled me to meet my love! It makes the choices that cause us pain and loss, AND it makes the choices that give us happiness and pleasure.
I was walking along beside a small mountain river, and I got to a bridge across it, and I stood and watched the water coming downhill over the stones. There was something about the way it was flowing, inexorably, with ease and grace and yet oh-so-right. It was speaking to me of the way life flows. And I realised: everything is as it should be. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. It reminded me of a quote from one of my grief books, The Seven Ts, by Judy Collins: "a friend who liked to say that everything is all right. Not everything is GOING to be all right, but everything IS all right. Now. This minute. in my heart. In the world. In the city. In my head. In my bones. Everything is just the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Everything is exactly as it should be. Everything. My pain, the fact that I don't know what I'm supposed to do next, the fact that he died way before I thought he was going to, the fact that I don't understand how it could happen, that I don't know what the next chapter contains, everything. I will discover the next chapter when the time is right, and until then I am doing what I am supposed to. I can relax back into this and let Life do what it's going to do anyway, keep on making the big choices for me. This is not to say that everything will work out positive and happy in the end. No-one ever said that life is like that. Some of the end outcomes will really suck. But they are supposed to be like that, and it doesn't matter that we don't understand. We're not supposed to. There is nothing for me to be anxious or impatient or frustrated about.
I find this rather comforting. I don't have to figure it out. I will be shown the right thing to do when the time is right.
It is not the case that the world is upside down. The world is exactly as it should be. I can relax back into this. It kind of feels like there's a big soft feather mattress at my back.