EVERYTHING is all right

by SansCoeur

I lost the great love of my life to a sudden heart attack just over 10 months ago. It's been a pretty wild ride since then. I very nearly killed myself in the early days, and all I can say is it's not me that decided not to do it -- Life made it clear it wasn't my time to go.

Recently, at the suggestion of my grief counsellor, I did some dialoguing between what she calls my compassionate realist, and the part of me that was resisting accepting my love's death. I had a huge shift, and want to share where I got to in case it helps others here.

The following is an edited version of my diary entry that evening.

...dialoguing between the part of me that's still in shock, and my compassionate realist. It went really rather well. We had some tears. We realised that Life makes ALL the choices - not just the ones we notice and wish we could make for ourselves. For example, it made the choices that enabled me to meet my love! It makes the choices that cause us pain and loss, AND it makes the choices that give us happiness and pleasure.

I was walking along beside a small mountain river, and I got to a bridge across it, and I stood and watched the water coming downhill over the stones. There was something about the way it was flowing, inexorably, with ease and grace and yet oh-so-right. It was speaking to me of the way life flows. And I realised: everything is as it should be. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. It reminded me of a quote from one of my grief books, The Seven Ts, by Judy Collins: "a friend who liked to say that everything is all right. Not everything is GOING to be all right, but everything IS all right. Now. This minute. in my heart. In the world. In the city. In my head. In my bones. Everything is just the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Everything is exactly as it should be. Everything. My pain, the fact that I don't know what I'm supposed to do next, the fact that he died way before I thought he was going to, the fact that I don't understand how it could happen, that I don't know what the next chapter contains, everything. I will discover the next chapter when the time is right, and until then I am doing what I am supposed to. I can relax back into this and let Life do what it's going to do anyway, keep on making the big choices for me. This is not to say that everything will work out positive and happy in the end. No-one ever said that life is like that. Some of the end outcomes will really suck. But they are supposed to be like that, and it doesn't matter that we don't understand. We're not supposed to. There is nothing for me to be anxious or impatient or frustrated about.

I find this rather comforting. I don't have to figure it out. I will be shown the right thing to do when the time is right.

It is not the case that the world is upside down. The world is exactly as it should be. I can relax back into this. It kind of feels like there's a big soft feather mattress at my back.

Comments for EVERYTHING is all right

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Aug 15, 2013
Is everything all right?
by: June

Thank you SansCoeur for a little of your diary...this has helped me.
Life is a journey, I don't like the journey I am on right now. It's been 17 months since my Mike passed away. As you say, we are not in control, we can just control our reactions to what life hands us. Life gave me Mike 43 years ago, which was a gift, but took him at a time when we were just enjoying retirement, grandchildren and life in general...there must be a reason; and as Mike used to say, it is too much for us to know.

I, too. am a fighter, but sometimes it does get the better of me. I miss him so much.

I am sorry for your loss and the loss of so many loved ones on this site.

Hopefully, in the future we will be Together Again (Paul Brandt) with our loved ones...I am looking forward to this. Meanwhile just going through the motions of life and enjoying my dog, cat, family and friends....but it is not the same.
Life is a Journey.

Aug 09, 2013
by: Anthony C

Thanks for your sharing - it's a great help for me with very purposeful insight! Thanks again!

Aug 06, 2013
Peace to you also
by: SansCoeur

Anonymous, I'm so glad my experience is helping someone. It's interesting that you are now feeling you want to find a grief counsellor. It also took me about 6 months to be ready to do that. My first one was hopeless, one meeting and I knew I wouldn't be going back. I was fortunate with the second one, she has been great.

I wish you all the best in your journey and that you can find your own version of acceptance somewhere along the way. I'm not there yet, but this was one big step along my path. I'm a fighter and learning that I have to let this go and stop fighting it is enormously helpful.

Peace :-)

Aug 05, 2013
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your post. Your words have given me some comfort and hope. Deep down I know that what you write makes sense. I know that many things are not in our control, and "everything" is the way it is for a reason. My father died from SCA in January, and my world has been turned upside down. The shock and suddeness....everything. I have to begin to let it all go though....nothing I do will bring him back. I am ready to now reach out to a grief counselor - hopefully I can begin to make some progress as well. Peace.

Aug 05, 2013
to grateful
by: SansCoeur

Please don't get me wrong, Anonymous -- I don't have a sense of purpose either! :-) I've been saying to my grief counsellor for months that "I'm waiting" i.e. waiting to find out what I'm supposed to do now, waiting to feel like life is back on track again. And the unsaid piece in brackets after that is.....And I don't like it!!!

But what I found the other day is enormously helpful. I always need to analyse and understand things, and the fact that I couldn't understand why my love was ripped from me with no warning, way before his time, was terribly difficult. Now I see that I'm not supposed to understand anything (not that, and not anything else either) and that gives me a sense of peace at least.

I hope you are able at some point to reach your own version of this.

It doesn't make everything easy (does anything?), but now I have something to hold onto each morning when I wake up. I remind myself, Everything is exactly as it is supposed to be.

Aug 04, 2013
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your post. I am jealous...what you posted is what I pray and hope for, an understanding and acceptance. I am much longer into this grief journey but you have given me hope that eventually I will find peace, a sign, something that will help me to go on living with sense of purpose and worth.

Aug 03, 2013
everything is all right
by: Anonymous MI

I have read your post and that of Judith's and again I realize that I am not alone in my grief. At times it feels like 'all is well' with the whole world but not with me. But, then I know there are many people feeling the sorrow that I do. My husband of 43 yrs died IN Nov 2012 of SCA and my world stopped at that moment. I just returned from the cemetery where I sit and think about all the wonderful yrs that we shared and a wonderful marriage with two fine children. I try to remind myself that I am very blessed to have had this kind of love and marriage. But, it is very hard to always feel this; it is a lonely road a widow or widower is traveling on. I wish you all peace and God's comfort every day. I am trying very hard to be strong and keep busy to pass my hours but I cannot stop the tears and questions and pain that I feel when I think of what I have lost. My life, of course, will never be happy again but I pray for strength and courage so that I can help my grown children and grandchildren to face our loss.

Aug 03, 2013
by: SansCoeur

Thanks Judith. You are so right about the self-talk. I'm trying now to start each day by reminding myself that everything is as it should be. It helps.

Aug 03, 2013
It is What It is
by: Judith in California

SansCoeur, while reading your post it gave me a sense of calm. When we realize we are not in control e are better off. We can control how we deal with certain things but grief is another story. We have no idea how heartbroken we will be and can be for such a long time. IF I'm sad it;s because I should be. I will miss him forever. I will miss US forever. Be that forever 10 months or ten years and beyond.
It's been one month shy of 3 years for me since my love passed.
The talk we have with ourselves is very important. The negative will bring negative and the positive and acceptance will bring that as well.
Each day will be what it is We have to realize that God is in control. We have but to make the best of what is in the moment. You are doing very well at this. I think I am too.

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