Extreme heartbreak caused by a torn family.

by Tim
(London)

My girlfriend of 8 months suddenly ended our relationship a couple of months ago. She had been feeling depressed before this due to family situations, but it was all such a shock.
I tried to rescue it, by giving her space and letting her see things from the outside. We then tried to spend a few days together to see if that would make any difference but she said she still felt the same – That when she was with me, she enjoyed herself and felt comfortable, but when she was away she felt she had made the right decision.
A couple of months before this, she had been feeling very down due to her mother’s moods. I’ll call her Kate (to hide her identity) is 25 and still lives with her mum who’s got a lot of issues and who is extremely obsessive. She gives Kate emotional blackmail when she contemplates moving out, and says things like ‘I might kill myself if I’m left alone’. Her mum and Dad have been separated since Kate was 8, but her mum at the time got her to lie in the courts so she would get to live with her.
Kate has also said that her mum has been the main reason for most of her breakups. Her Dad, who lives in abroad is not very supportive to her either, so it’s a horrible situation. I told her that I was there for her on all these issues, but she seemed to shun me away. We got on so so well, and said we were in love with each other. She also met my family and got on with everyone. And to add insult to injury this break up only happened two months after we said we loved each other.
I can’t seem to accept it’s over as we never fell out or had a tense relationship and it seems to be an outside cause. Kate really wanted to remain friends, but I had to tell her I could not as we both want different things. It’s heart breaking not seeing her as we were so close and could say anything to each other. I’m really hoping for her to realise she’s made a mistake.
And yet I know it will be weak if I contact her, and the only way for her to realise is when there’s no contact at all.
Either ways, I’m finding it so so difficult to recover, and am waking up feeling so depressed that I just want to stay in bed. Other times I feel angry and need to burst into tears, feeling like there is nothing worthwhile in my life.
What can I do?

Tim

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Sep 05, 2013
Extreme heartbreak caused by a torn family
by: Doreen U.K.

Tim the best thing you can do is to find a good counsellor and let them support you through this difficult time and relationship.
I understand fully the family dynamics taking place in your girlfriends family. She will need counselling to help her with this CO-DEPENDENCY of her mother/family. Her mother is being very cruel and CONTROLLING. I know what it feels like to live in this environment. She can't help the way she is and thinks she is right doing what her mother wants her to do, but at the same time feeling perhaps resentful because her mother is the cause of her failed relationships. This environment will make her worse and she will become more entrenched in the way her mother is controlling her. She can't break away if she tried. She would need help to do this. The control is too strong and has gone on so long she won't be able to make this decision to put you first. GUILT will also play a large part of these family dynamics. A GOOD psychologist/counsellor can help her move forward but it will be a long journey. Your girlfriend may end up hating her mother for robbing her of a life. As mothers we are supposed to rear our children to go out into the world and make a success of living a happy and fulfilled life. But saying this. The mother also needs help/support. Because her husband left her she has formed a strong attachment to her daughter that she won't let go and sabotages all her daughter's relationships. The mother is a very frightened woman afraid of being ALONE. She is holding onto her daughter for her own happiness. Almost to the point it all becomes an illness. I know it hurts. But if this relationship ever gets back on track. you must see a counsellor. Don't attempt to ignore your girlfriends background. It will become baggage she will take into a relationship with you. Much would have to be resolved otherwise you are courting disaster. You may be very unhappy now and depressed. But you may have had a lucky escape from a relationship that may have become unhappy later on. I eventually went into counselling rather late in my 40's. I managed to resolve my losses and troubled upbringing with the support of a good psychologist/counsellor. I have a level of inner happiness that gives me a FREEDOM I never had before. Sadly I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 16 months ago today. I hope you find happiness in life. Don't give up! Don't suffer with depression. A counsellor could help you. My depression has never come back. I was depressed 40yrs. Best wishes.

Sep 05, 2013
You have to accept this
by: Anonymous

Dear Tim, I had a relationship where the person (I will call him Robin) gave out conflicting signs of his intentions.

I was perplexed - rather like you - as to how something that seemed so blissful could come to an abrupt end.

Unfortunately it seems that Kate has made up her mind to end the relationship. I know this is very painful for you - but you have to accept her wishes.

Life can be a b where something that seems so right was not. I speak from bitter experience when I say this is her decision and Kate is as an adult so her family are not to blame.

I do hope you have friends can see you through this difficult time. The best relationships are born out of friendship, when we are not infatuated. Friendship that grows into love also makes a solid foundation for honesty and understanding.

Hope you found peace.

Sep 05, 2013
Stay Strong
by: S

Dear Tim,

I'm so sorry to hear about the very difficult time you're going through.

You have come to the right place because just like us on the grief journey, you will feel the shock and be in denial as you process what has happened.

I believe Kate needs counselling - she had been feeling depressed prior to ending the relationship, plus the emotional blackmail her mom puts her through, she needs a professional to share what is going on, and to find coping mechanisms and ways to handle everything going on. She also needs help setting boundaries in terms of her own choices, decisions and the way forward.
If she gets to a place where she discovers who she is, what she wants out of life (for herself) and gets stronger, feels more confident and addresses all the issues of the torn family she will find a way out of this. Only then will she be able to feel again, and probably allow herself the joy of sharing a life with you. It sounds like she may have shut you out as she can't cope with anything right now and is taking the "easier" route. It will hurt her more and is really sad.

You sound like a really good guy, who has seen the situation for what it is, and you are respecting her wishes. She may find after a while she can't handle what is going on and out of desperation, or with nothing left to lose, she may make the decision to finally surface from what is going on at home, and still want you back. There is no guarantee, but one never knows.

I would recommend that you continue "no contact" so that she can realize what she's missing.

If she tries to contact you, I would keep it very brief and assure her you still love her but for the protection of your own heart, you insist she sees a professional for counselling and only after she has begun these sessions, will you agree to meet up with her again.

It will be tough initially, but you need to stay strong and keep looking after yourself. You are still worthy and deserving of happiness, despite what has happened with Kate.

Everything you are going through is normal, and try to find balance: If you work, give all towards your career to get job satisfaction. If you are a believer, have faith and know that this too shall pass. Pray for strength, and peace to get through this difficult time. Spend quality time with family and friends. Spend time with hobbies, sport, all you enjoyed before Kate, so that you can be well rounded. Cry and let the emotions out, it's healthy and normal. When you feel down, allow your friends to shake it out of you - go see a comedy/action movie to distract you. Eventually you will smile again, and you will see hope and a future again.

We are here for you, we will all pray for you and for Kate, so that her circumstances change for the better.

God Bless
S

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