Eyes Wide Open

by Tina
(USA)

Where does one start, I was with my husband for 14 years and decided I was going to go out to a special occasion that partners weren't invited to and note first time out without him as was never allowed to prior (yes I enabled the behaviour by never going) I went and was enjoying myself so much I came home late which is where my hell began, he waited up for me and all I coped was emotional abuse in front of our children.

Felt sick about it all went for individual counselling (previously over the years I had asked for marriage counselling to no avail) whilst counselling sessions for over 14 weeks went on....it was the constant emotional abuse morning / night (standing literally over me) that I said you know what your behaviour to me and in front of children (who would scream with hands over ears begging for him to stop) 'this is it, I'm done'.

Cut the story short we tried to live under same roof, his behaviour became so erratic and un-hinged he made threats to wipe us all out etc...he was removed from house, he had a mental breakdown, has not worked for at least good 6 months, I'm paying mortgage, school, bills etc whilst he's decided to disappear and call the kids once in a blue moon

And in the counselling worked out that all relationships I've chosen have been controlling, I've also selected abusive and for the first time I see everything in my life, who I am, why I made certain choices............this is still ongoing. Having your eyes open and being aware of everything for the first time can be really distressing and exhilarating at the same time.

I don't know how emotionally difficult this situation is going to turn out...some days sick to stomach, other days amazing to see my eyes are finally open.

Worst bit is the children not knowing where their father is, having hands tied as just want house sorted and life sorted so can finally move on with my life and for him to put kids first!

Not only was he controlling in emotional sense also financially, could never have money and if withdrew small amount I had to account for every cent (yet I have always worked)

Comments for Eyes Wide Open

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Oct 27, 2014
Eyes Wide Open
by: Doreen UK

Tina it seems as if your husband had baggage from his past and marriage just encouraged his behavior to develop more. It is never acceptable to live with someone who exhibits such behavior. Especially in front of the children. This is how the cycle of abuse continues to future generations.
I endorse COUNSELLING. I lived with depression for 40yrs. I read self help books and then that was not enough I went into one to one counselling. Best experience of my life. Also the best investment I ever made. I got my life back in ways I never thought possible. 40yrs. of depression ended in 4yrs.
Pity couples don't do counselling before marriage so any problem areas can be detected before marriage.
It is not uncommon for people who are in abusive relationships to end up repeating this cycle. Counselling should help to break this cycle so that you won't attract the wrong person. Counselling can also help one to become a better person from any inherited learned behavior. It is being in relationship that can trigger off abusive behavior. I don't think anyone sets out to be abusive on purpose. If this didn't happen in courtship and early days of marriage it has been triggered off by some change in life. As you say your husband lost his job. Enough reason to push a man over the edge when he has family responsibilities.
Your husband should have realized what was happening. Take responsibility and get counselling in order to change his behavior from cognitive behavior therapy.
The children may need some counselling to help them move forward and not interfere with their schooling and future life. Many a child learned abusive behavior from childhood. Feeling powerless to change they often continue this control in order to survive.
When God created woman he took Adams rib from his side, it was to be by her husband's side and be his helpmate. God did not take the bone from a mans thumb to be under his control, or from the foot so he could walk over her.
You did the right thing by getting counselling and taking back control of your life and putting measures in place for your safety and that of your children.
See if you can get Social Security support with finances. Your counselor will be able to access the right organizations to help you, especially where there are children.
After my counselling I gave back 8yrs. in voluntary work as an administrator so I know how the system works. I also understand the family dynamics and know that if you see your counseling through you will become a happier person and the woman you were meant to be. The healing from counselling is amazing. I wish you all the best. Don't give up! keep focused! and keep believing in yourself, and your future. Best wishes.

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