Got off work; made sure I was too tired to cry tonight. I know one day if I try hard enough I can begin fighting this fight because that is what grief is to me.. a fight. I'm only in round one and I havent got a good punch in yet. I've been hit though hit with the force of a train at full speed. But I am still breathing. I can't seem to stop imagining what you were thinking when you put a rifle in your mouth and pulled the trigger!!!!! Go figure I am so hurt I am so angry I am so confused and its already been a year. The worst part is you were my soul mate you are my soul mate! We were supposed to have babies and grandchildren and live in an old southern house by a river and build a treehouse and go on vacations and make dinners together take walks in all the national parks, climb mountains, celebrate big christmas's but you left me and I you and I are so young. ever since you left I feel like I'm malnourished in my soul I feel weak I feel ill. I know you are reading this on the other side and that is why I am writing this. I got to start facing it but I don't know how.