Faking It Til I Make It...

by Felice
(New Orleans, La)

I came across this website as I was having my daily cry in my cubicle at work. My mother, best friend, soulmate, and everything, died on November 10, 2014. She was the most loving, gentle, unconditional person I ever knew. We were extremely close, bound by an invisible connection.She and my dad who is still with us, were together for 66 yrs. She died two weeks after my 50th birthday. My mom had 9 children and is Heaven with my brother. Our family is devastated, and often rely on me for comfort, optimism, and support. They have no clue how affected I am. Each breath without her is a challenge. I promised her that I will take care of myself.I thought I was prepared, being that we had time for closure and I'm grateful for that. However, I am having a terrible time adjusting. I've cared for many who have passed on, comforted many strangers and friends, I even tried antidepressants which made me even worse. I'm so appreciative to have somewhere I can honestly express my feelings with out feeling like a freak of nature or alien. A wise person shared that losing your mother can be the worst, lonely experience ever. Someone told me that I must have been spoiled by my mom because I'm taking it so hard. I think the worst thing about the whole experience for me besides losing her is how cold and mean people can be. I know I'll never be the same. I wasn't prepared for that. I used to love life and do many creative things that people enoyed, and now I just isolate at home. I'm struggling to keep it together, as my grieving process has been strewn with challenges in my day to day. So, I'm just faking....

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Jul 17, 2014
Fractured family
by: Anonymous

Felice I am so sorry for everything you are going through at the moment. It feels like such a heavy burden you are carrying.
I agree with you. Many professionally trained people still go through the same struggles we go through despite their training, and knowledge.
We are a family of 6 kids and so I know how difficult this can be. I was a favourite child as my mother recognised strengths and capabilities in me that she could depend on. But my siblings didn't see it this way and so there was a lot of sibling rivalry. Your family is not so unusual. WE are all fractured in some way or another and life can be difficult without support and understanding from one's siblings. Having your father with you will be a great help. But due to his age you will one day lose him and so this will be so hard on you. Having lost my husband 2yrs. ago to cancer I am understanding how families can split up and walk no more with each other and put distance between us. I identify with you. It can be a very lonely place to be. You can either call a meeting and talk openly and let your siblings know how you feel and try to build bridges in your relationship with good communication and try to be more supportive to each other. Or you can build your own network of friends to help you get through a difficult life. Life is hard and we need each other. It is just difficult breaking down the barriers established and having to try to get on with life and living. Be kind to yourself and build yourself up. You will find life easier when you nurture yourself. I hope things work out for you and you get your family back.

Jul 17, 2014
...and she's back! So she thought...
by: Felice

It's been a minute since I've been here, partially because I really felt like I was doing better...moving forward...healing. Admittedly, a true reason probably is because I want to feel like I'm ok so badly.I find that no matter how much medical or psychologoical experience one may have, even the best trained, most empathetic, supportive, God fearing, spiritual, healer is capable of being wounded. One of the best gifts my mother gave me before she passed, was when she thanked me for being with her every step of the way. And being ignorant to the type of grief I'm experiencing now, I felt like I would be ok. I knew that the only thing more that I could've done for her would've been to trade places with her...(I would've if it were possible...) I was fortunate to have had every conversation about everything with her before she passed.She told me she knew what I was in for, and I assured her that I'd be fine. Coming from a family of 9 kids was in itself a blessing and a curse. My mom was the glue that kept us together while my father was the protector and provider. When I was a month old my brother who was two, passed away suddenly. I never knew the heartbreaking details til adulthood. At age 11, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness which required that I spend more time with my parents for Dr visits, etc. As a kid, I didn't realize that to my siblings that appeared as my getting more attention. This didn't rear it's ugly head until early adulthood. And, as most families go, there were small disputes, some competetiveness but nothing more.
Once, we knew my mother was not going to make it, things really went haywire, like most families, and now that she is gone, my grief is compounded to the nth power because I feel like when she died, I died, my life died...Thank God for my beautiful dad who, if I'm fortunate, can see maybe every 6 months, and that my mother is buried near my home. I can't just jump up and go 6 hours away to see my dad, since Katrina ruined me financially, and recovering has been a struggle in process at best. Katrina broke us all up, dispersed all over the country, and I'm the last of my family here. The most painful thing of all, is that many of my siblings and their families come here to visit without my knowing. On several occasions, I've run into them an a reataurant two blocks from my house. I beg them to bring my father to come (he wants to, and we want him to live with me), and I'm more than capable of caring for him having been an RN for over 20 yrs. They only do it it they need me to care for him at their convenience.
Also, my father is in good health and can still travel. They ignore me. I reach out often to them...they ignore me. I offer every way I can be of help...they ignore me. I call to give them support...and more ignoring...My significant other told me that he has never witnessed a family that is so astute at wounding others without a word. I wish it didn't hurt so bad! I wish they couldn't hurt me!I wish I didn't long for their friendships and love. I'm struggling, and just needed to share this.
Since the storm, I lost all of my nearby friends and people whom I spent time with, so I'm pretty isolated. In a way, that's probably for the best since I don't feel like myself anymore anyway. Now, I'm becoming concerned about preparing for something to happen to my dad who's 87...
I'm just grateful to have somewhere where I feel safe expressing myself and true emotions...
God bless

Jun 13, 2014
So tired of feeling this sadness...and of the scary realities ahead.
by: Anonymous

Hello, I just found your post and this site, having not been sleeping well and coming downstairs at 4am, as a good sleep is so rare now. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Some of the other comments on here in response ring so true to me, as well. I lost my mother at the very end of October and it has been a relentless day after day since. One day connects to another. The beautiful seasons just dissolve into the other, the holidays, a sunny day just flips into a week of rain and then back. And you are glad for the sun and spring, finally, and think you might be feeling better. But you are not. Everything is changed. My mother died "young" for her peers who were also healthy, like she had appeared. She was just 81 and seemed healthy and vibrant. But I got a call from the police that they had come to my parents home and had tried to revive her after my father found her in their kitchen, having suffered a fatal heart attack. We had no expectation whatsoever that this was a possibility. There were no prior medical problems that we knew of. I am the oldest of two daughters, twelve years apart. My parents were married 61 years. All eyes were on my father for health concerns, as he is older and had declined. Everything changed from the day she left. He moved into my house that evening and stayed for a month and a half, then was hospitalized and sent to rehab where he lived for 3 weeks and now is in a personal care facility. Its five minutes from my house. I see him every day and he is managing his physical problems and adapting to the new place. But I am the primary daughter to see to his needs. There is so much challenge to deal with for elderly care for children when parents don't plan ahead. For the past seven months I have been frantically focused on how to deal with his move, on dismantling my parents house of 49 years and trying to find the money for his long term care. I am being reminded of the years of my childhood in front of me and all the love my mother had for my little family and my children in boxes and photos I am forced to go through and it hurts. Like other posters, I haven't been able to look at my mothers pictures until recently. It is so unbelievable. I also lack motivation to be who I was or for dreams I still had. I lack motivation to make my table pretty for a family dinner where she will no longer be - as everything I did, I did for her. Especially now that my children are older, I realize that I still had her unwavering responsiveness to be there for me - on the phone, when I decorated my house, told a story... She was who responded with appreciation and love for me and "got it" when we talked. She was the only one. It's very scary because you feel yourself suddenly getting old faster as these grieving days blend into one another. This grief is eating me up. I am so tired of feeling this way. And no one understands or wants to talk about it. You are so right. Friends step back - way back. I wasn't expecting that either. XO Big hug to you. So many of us are out here, by ourselves, hurting. At least there is a site like this to realized that. I hope you have many moments ahead when you feel like your mother is with you in the sunshine or when a butterfly lands near you. It's so confusing and it makes time tossed up and your life feel like it makes no sense anymore. I know.

Jun 10, 2014
Thank you!
by: Felice

I appreciate the kindness and support from those on this site. I cherish it as my personal reprieve. I empathize in so many ways with those who are going through these terrible times,and send peace and comfort to all.

Jun 07, 2014
Faking it till I make it....
by: Doreen UK

Felice I am so sorry for your loss of your mom. I am appalled at that statement "You must have been spoiled by your mother, because you are taking it so hard." What a cold, uncaring, insensitive, and clueless person with no understanding whatsoever." I bet her mother is still living? It is not till you lose a mother that one is not prepared for the pain of this loss. The grief is very unbearable. You can't even imagine it. My mother died 11yrs. ago and it took me 9yrs. before I could look at her photo's or put the photo frames out. I just lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago and so grief is still raw for me.
Coming from a large family doesn't always mean you will get the emotional support you need. Everything is processing their loss differently. You may even find many of your siblings, uncaring and may even distance themselves from you. A common problem many face with grief. Grief can cause you to isolate yourself from people and they also isolate themselves from us just when we need them. It seems to be a common problem of grief. I used to enjoy life. Don't anymore. I can't enjoy the same things in life. I lost my MOTIVATION. Don't know when it will return. I do things I need to do but without the motivation to do them. I make more mistakes now. Given away things I should have kept and keeping things I should give away. I changed the house. Painted new colours to cheer myself up and got it wrong and have to redo. It took me 8 months to choose the colours. I bought new bedding and drapes and now giving them away. Got it wrong. I learned that I can't tolerate drapes with heavy lining. I have to have the light come through. I don't like dark colours. Everything has to be light and cheerful. which is why it is often said not to make any changes in the first 2yrs. GOOD ADVICE.
Life will be up and down. You will have good days and bad days. But knowing the bad days will pass helps. Just be yourself and don't tolerate ignorant people. You don't get over grief any time soon. Cry when you need to. You will heal with every tear you cry. We will all get our lives back one day, but it is still a very hard and painful journey, having to adjust and restructure our lives without our mother's and other loved ones we have lost.

Jun 05, 2014
Faking it until I can make it
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Felice and Katrina,
You both have my sympathy and understanding. It will be 38 years for me that my mom died. She was 50 and I was 29. I had 5 small children and I felt my world was falling apart. After all these years I still talk to her. I told my children about her , as they were quite young when she died; ages 8years-3months. I still talk about her to them, as they are all adults now. I tell my granchildren about her. Her body died, but her spirit will live forever in my heart, as will your moms. Our life is changed, but we do with the grace of God, go on.
She died the day before my 11th wedding anniversay which is June 26th and 3 years ago on June 27th, I lost my husband of 46 years to a massive heart attack. I often said I was faking it until I could make it, after the death of my husband. I was with my husband since the age of 15, so going on without him is very difficult. I never thought I would say; I am making it and I am not faking it. He took a part of me with him when he died. I still have a hard time realizing he will be gone 3 years and we would be celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary, but unfortunately, I belong to a club, that due to death, we don't get to celebrate anniversaries anymore. We have memories and we can always cherish them. No one can take them away from us
My love and blessings to both of you. You will one day make it, but you will ALWAYS REMEMBER AND LOVE YOUR MOMS.

Jun 05, 2014
Faking It Til I Make It...
by: Katrina

Hi Felice, my name is Katrina, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I too lost my mom on June 3 2013. As I sit here reading your words I feel the same way. My mom and I were very close as well, she was my everything, there was only a 16 year age difference so we were like sisters, best friends but mother and daughter first and foremost. I'm not married and I only have one son. I feel so alone without my mom. I'm the oldest of 7 children so I feel as though I must be there for my siblings no matter what because they depend on me, but at the end of the day I have no one, so I just pray and call on God for my strength and guidance. I talk to my mom everyday and I feel like she is guiding me too especially when it comes to situations with my siblings. My heart goes out to you Felice and I will say a special prayer for you because I feel your pain so well. I too cry everyday for my mom........the bible says that God will not put nothing more than we can bear upon us, I have to believe this because that's what helps me to keep going.......

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