For the last few months I've been healing or so i thought. Everything seemed to be getting better I mean after all i should be after a year and three months. but I just lost two others my high school sweetheart and my grandmother.. seems pale in comparison to the pain i felt when you died. You were exactly the same age as me 33... we were so excited that we finally met the person that would make our dreams a reality you know the white picket fence the warm house the holidays.. yeah we had all of that in mind. I was so lost when you killed yourself... and i still am. It had been years since i heard from my first.. the one who had taken my virginity and i had taken his and we were so excited to be reunited. The time frame is spuratic everyone.. I fell in love all over with my first and then realized he was sick and so i left him and a year later found my soulmate and then all in one they both killed themselves and i am struggling to be okay. to think that it is okay.. it is not okay.. yes they both say and think it is my fault i see them and feel them everywhere! i stopped thinking about them for a couple of weeks so that i could think about myself because i have not had the nerve to look at myself in a long time and i was excited to be happy again but that just is not going to happen. what do you call a suicide widow? i'm not a black widow I am a hopeless romantic and i'm on the verge..
