Family & Friends, Even Facebook
I was having lunch with some old friends and family the other day and I found out from them I'm saying or putting my feelings tos much on Facebook.
Well that told me they've moved on and not getting any replies shows me it's embarrassing to them. Friends that knew Billy for 45 years, they grew up with him. Family, his daughter who had a life and was moving on.
I understand but it makes me sad and angry. I see his face every night before I go to sleep, I see the kiss we had at a friend's wedding years ago, I see that smile last Christmas with family in Arkansas. I see so much but they see nothing or they don't want to. My heart aches so much a times I feel like it will explode.
I wake each morning and say "Oh" I'm here and maybe if I just stay this way time will pass and I'll be with him sooner, so I don't move for that moment and of course discover I have to get up. I feel like I'm in quicksand, forever being sucked down then released for a moment and back again once drowning, out of control.
Day's ago I thought I was going to have a break down. I couldn't find the earrings Billy had given to me the 1st year we were together. I called back to Arkansas and had everybody looking for them. I say you don't understand, I need to find them. For days I looked through boxes that had been packed and then again, It was luck, I found them the 2nd time around and it felt like 20 pounds had been lifted. I still mourn the Dyson vacuum cleaner that was lost in our move.
I know it sounds strange but Billy got it for my Birthday a couple of years ago. We had hardwood floor in Arkansas but it didn't matter. It was a birthday present that now I will never have from Billy, also its a really good vacuum cleaner.
Time goes on and so will I ~ baby steps if need be ~ but
Always, 1 step 1 breath at a time.