Feel so alone

I had three brothers and I am the only daughter and the youngest. When I was 14yrs old I met the love of my life we broke up & I thought it was over so I found someone who to me resembled him & at that young age my mother allowed me to move in with him (I had a very hard childhood or shall I say no childhood at all). My Mom was an alcoholic & separated from my Dad when I was 9yrs old. One day I ran into George and he told me its time for us to get back together & I told him yes, but the man I was living with was very abusive I was not pregnant & I tried leaving him numerous times but he even dragged me out of my Aunt's house. I never contacted George ever again plus I felt once he found out I was living with another guy he might not want me but I knew he loved me he told me with tears in his eyes & I told him I loved him too which I did and always will he was always asking my cousin where was and she just kept telling him I was living with one of my brothers. Even though I stood with the abusive man I went on to marry him & have 4 kids. When I was pregnant with my second son my friend called me to inform me that George had died in a motorcycle accident somehow I have always felt guilty because I don't think he cared about his life he was 24yrs old.
Then when my daughter was 14yrs old she suffered a cerebral hemmorage but we were given a miracle and she survived.
My father died of a heart attack on Dec. 29th never had a chance to say goodbye 18mos. later my youngest brother was 36yrs old when he passed away Aug.23th. I was devastated because we were very close.
After my daughter's illness a year later I lost my beloved mother. My oldest brother helped me get through that little did I know
the following year on my Mom's birthday Nov. 24th Thanksgiving my oldest brother suffered a massive stroke and passed away on Dec. 28th then it was just me and and my middle brother left. On Mother's Day of this year I lost him too. I am the only surviving member of my immediate family. I lost my home, got divorced which he still bothers me and I had to medically retire from work because I ended up getting sick. It's been 33yrs since my ex boyfriend died and I think of him first thing every morning and the last thing before I go to sleep. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith my children which are all adults & my ex-husband say get over it there's nothing you can do all your family is gone I have absolutely no support from them because they have not gone through it I'm 53yrs old and feel like an orphan. Am I going crazy because all I can think of is my true love I told my ex-husband that my heart never belonged to him, plus because of him being so mentally abusive makes me feel like he ruined my life by not letting me go I have a lot of resentment. Why can't I let George rest in peace I'm not even interested in meeting anyone I feel like a widow. I am on medication for deep depression there is days I don't want to talk to anyone. I have to force myself to get up and get dressed I just don't care about life even though I have my kids and grandkids. I have a huge void in my life. Thank you for letting me vent.

Comments for Feel so alone

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Jan 03, 2014
to Doreen K.
by: Feel so alone

You don't know how much your response has given me hope. Everywhere I have asked for some type of support all I have been tolded is that if George was my true love then why did I go on with this other man and basically its my fault. All I do is cry because no ones understands the situation I was in at the time and yes I do take responsibility because maybe I could have done more.
You are the first person who has actually not judged me and has not questioned my love for George. THANK YOU!!
I am going to look into some counseling dealing with losing so many loved ones I need it and you are an angel you gave me hope to feel like I am not going crazy. God Bless You and everyone here for sharing their stories and caring enough to respond with mine. I dream of George and he actually came to me and told me he is with me and I believe it. I need to let them all rest in peace so I can go on with whatever remainder of time I have left with my life til we meet all again.

Jan 02, 2014
Feel so alone
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for all your immense losses of loved one's from your life. I am not surprised you feel the way you do. Often in cases of multiple losses one could benefit greatly from good counselling. It is not a magic cure. But it does work if you get the right person to help you work through your feelings. This would help you more so with the loss of George your first love. Often we make decisions in life and never know if they are the right ones. But we make them nevertheless. I suffered depression for 40yrs. I then in my 40's took myself off and got the best counselling from a psychologist/counsellor. This was the best investment I made in my life. My depression left and has never returned. I resolved my losses in a counselling room and within 4yrs. I have lived for the first time in my life. I am glad I did something about my unhappiness. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 20 months ago and I do retirement on my own. But I have decided to make the most of each day. I do or don't do whatever I want. If this be nothing this is what I do. I nurture myself this way and I feel a level of stability and security. I may have lost a lot in life but I still have my FREEDOM. I value this and see this as a GIFT.
You are not going mad. You are deeply wounded by your loss's and the decisions you made. You also hurt by your EX making demands on you which forced you to make the decisions you did. Counselling/therapy helped me to never feel guilty about decisions I made. I accept what I can't change and change the things I can. This makes me a survivor. With good support you will be able to resolve your guilt over losing George from your life and not marrying him. You will also learn to tuck George in a corner of your heart and honour him in a mature way. You only feel the way you do because all this grief is now pressing for resolution. This happens mostly in our mature years of life so this is not unusual to feel the way you do. Don't put up with it. Talk to someone. Keep a journal and write out all your feelings and even write letter's to George in your journal and let him know how you feel and how your loss of him has affected your life. You will be getting a lot of pain out of your system and you will feel better. This is a very cleansing (cathartic) experience. Let Go of the pain your EX caused you and don't let this rule your life and cause you years of bitterness. You can get your life back. Reclaim this and devote your time to your children and grandchildren who will be immense comfort to you. Best wishes.

Jan 01, 2014
Feel so Alone
by: Anonymous

Jean Bea THANK YOU! for your words of encouragement. God's way is the only way. I have walked with God all my life of 65yrs. and He grows sweeter with each trial He brings us through. God is our creator and knows our frame. He is with us in our sorrows and trials and He will bring us through each day. May God continue to comfort and Bless you each day, in the full knowledge that we will see our loved one's again. Best wishes.

Dec 31, 2013
Feel so Alone
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement you are absolutely right I have turned to the Lord and let him guide me through these tough times. God Bless You!

Dec 31, 2013
Feel so alone
by: Jean Bee

I also am the soul surviving member of my huge family and now I mourn the loss of my 2 sons. I had 5 children but it doesn't make up for the 2 sons I lost one in 2011 and the other from cancer just a month ago.. I am 84 yrs. old now and found the Lord Jesus when I was 50 yrs. old. For awhile He had to be the husband in my life as my first husband deserted me. If you will take the advice from an old lady who has seen much of life, make Jesus the Lord of your life and let Him take over as He will never forsake you. Start by reading the very wonderful and understanding lessons of the Bible.
May He guide you as you search for Him.

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