My gran passed away just before christmas, and it came as a massive shock. I received a phone call from my mum telling me that she had had a stroke the day before and was in a bad way. It was totally unexpected and I felt angry and extremely sad at the situation. I was angry that she hadn't told me straight away, and that I couldn't be there to see her. Im in the army and working over seas at the minute and wasn't able to get home.
I feel like I was lied to by my family about what was really happening, I know that they were trying to make it easier for me but they just made it worse. My mum told me that they didn't know what was going to happen and that they had to wait for the results of the brain scan the next day. I tried to convince myself that everything would be ok, that she would get better and when I got home she'd be there in her chair looking out the window as usual. I think deep down I knew that it wasn't going to turn out like that, I could tell by the way my family was acting that she wasn't going to be ok, but I didn't want to believe it.
I kept texting my mum the next day to try and find out what was happening but she didn't reply. Thats when I knew that it was serious. That night my mum rang me whilst I was at work to tell me that the stroke had been massive and she started to tell me all the medical stuff but I just couldn't take it in, she was crying and saying the doctors had told her she only had a few days left to live. I was devastated and hearing my mum so upset and not being able to give her a hug made me feel even worse.
I would of done anything to of been able to get home and say goodbye to her before it was too late but was told that grandparents aren't close enough family to be able to get compassionate leave. This made me even more angry, I don't understand how someone can tell you that a person isn't important enough.
Those few days between being told she was going to die and her actually dying were very difficult. I tried to block it out of my head, I avoided speaking to my mum because, as selfish as it sounds, I couldn't deal with it.
When I got the phone call from my dad, as soon as I answered the phone I knew what he was going to say. I've never heard my dad cry before, that phone call broke my heart. Afterwards they said they would get me back for the funeral, but im not a religious person and don't see the point in them. I didn't want to see her in a box. They kept telling me that I should be there to say goodbye and that I would regret it for the rest of my life. The only thing I regret is that I wasn't there to say goodbye to her and tell her I loved her when it really mattered, when she was still there to hear me say it. Every time I think about it, and the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye, I break down and I feel so guilty.
I've got people around me that I know would listen but I still feel alone and like I have no one to talk to. Im not very good at talking about how I feel, I just bottle it up. At the moment I have so much anger building up inside me, I know it's going to come out at the wrong time, or directed at someone that doesn't deserve it. Im still avoiding talking to my family because it just makes it harder. I know im being selfish but its just to difficult. I hate feeling like this, and not being in control. I just can't believe that im never going to see her or talk to her again, im going to miss her so much. Sometimes I manage to stop thinking about it for a couple of hours and I forget that it even happened, then it comes back to me and I just feel even worse. I don't know what to do or how to deal with all this anger and sadness, and I just wish that it would go away.