feeling alone

My gran passed away just before christmas, and it came as a massive shock. I received a phone call from my mum telling me that she had had a stroke the day before and was in a bad way. It was totally unexpected and I felt angry and extremely sad at the situation. I was angry that she hadn't told me straight away, and that I couldn't be there to see her. Im in the army and working over seas at the minute and wasn't able to get home.
I feel like I was lied to by my family about what was really happening, I know that they were trying to make it easier for me but they just made it worse. My mum told me that they didn't know what was going to happen and that they had to wait for the results of the brain scan the next day. I tried to convince myself that everything would be ok, that she would get better and when I got home she'd be there in her chair looking out the window as usual. I think deep down I knew that it wasn't going to turn out like that, I could tell by the way my family was acting that she wasn't going to be ok, but I didn't want to believe it.
I kept texting my mum the next day to try and find out what was happening but she didn't reply. Thats when I knew that it was serious. That night my mum rang me whilst I was at work to tell me that the stroke had been massive and she started to tell me all the medical stuff but I just couldn't take it in, she was crying and saying the doctors had told her she only had a few days left to live. I was devastated and hearing my mum so upset and not being able to give her a hug made me feel even worse.
I would of done anything to of been able to get home and say goodbye to her before it was too late but was told that grandparents aren't close enough family to be able to get compassionate leave. This made me even more angry, I don't understand how someone can tell you that a person isn't important enough.
Those few days between being told she was going to die and her actually dying were very difficult. I tried to block it out of my head, I avoided speaking to my mum because, as selfish as it sounds, I couldn't deal with it.
When I got the phone call from my dad, as soon as I answered the phone I knew what he was going to say. I've never heard my dad cry before, that phone call broke my heart. Afterwards they said they would get me back for the funeral, but im not a religious person and don't see the point in them. I didn't want to see her in a box. They kept telling me that I should be there to say goodbye and that I would regret it for the rest of my life. The only thing I regret is that I wasn't there to say goodbye to her and tell her I loved her when it really mattered, when she was still there to hear me say it. Every time I think about it, and the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye, I break down and I feel so guilty.
I've got people around me that I know would listen but I still feel alone and like I have no one to talk to. Im not very good at talking about how I feel, I just bottle it up. At the moment I have so much anger building up inside me, I know it's going to come out at the wrong time, or directed at someone that doesn't deserve it. Im still avoiding talking to my family because it just makes it harder. I know im being selfish but its just to difficult. I hate feeling like this, and not being in control. I just can't believe that im never going to see her or talk to her again, im going to miss her so much. Sometimes I manage to stop thinking about it for a couple of hours and I forget that it even happened, then it comes back to me and I just feel even worse. I don't know what to do or how to deal with all this anger and sadness, and I just wish that it would go away.

Comments for feeling alone

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Jun 07, 2012
...
by: Melissa

Not sure how long ago this was posted. My beautiful nan had a major stroke/brain hemerage yesterday morning. She died this afternoon, i feel lost and scared. I hope things are getting a little easier for you.

Jan 31, 2012
thank you
by: Anonymous

thanks for the comments, they really helped. its just hard being away from home and not being able to see my family whilst all this is happening. i hate having to listen to my mum crying on the phone and not be able to do anything about it. im really angry and upset about the fact that i didnt get to see her before she died, and every time i think about her thats all i can think about and i just feel really guilty. My mum tried to make me feel better by saying that my gran wouldn't of known if i was there, as she didn't recognise any of them but it just made me feel worse, weather she would of known or not i'll know that i wasn't there, and every time i think about her, i cant get the fact that i didn't get to see her out of my head and it's breaking me. I've been holding everything in but i just feel like im not going to be able to for much longer, and all this anger is just going to come out at once on people that don't deserve it

Jan 23, 2012
I understand.
by: Anonymous

My grandmother had a stroke a week and a half ago, and died last Tuesday.

It's such an awful feeling, and I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Jan 20, 2012
I'm here to listen
by: Jayme

This is to feeling alone. My grandmother passed Nov. 9th, 2011. Everyday is a struggle. We talked on the phone everyday, sometimes 4-5 times a day. The day she died, my mother picked me up to be with my family. When i got there, I started bawling. She was my world. And now she was gone. I've had the first Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday without her, and let me tell you they weren't easy. I don't think it ever gets easy. I'm here to listen as well as everyone on this site. Feel free to email me at jaymetilford@yahoo.com Good Bless You!!!!

Dec 30, 2011
Feeling alone
by: Emily

I know exactly how you are feeling right now.
My Grandad passed away in November-He was my third grandparent to pass and like your Grandma
he passed away suddenly, I never got to say goodbye because I never knew it would happen, he fell asleep one day and didn't wake up. He was 86 years old and had lived a long life which was good. My friends have comforted me and supported me but I feel alone at times because
most of my friends have never lost anybody so it does get lonely, but coming across this website has helped because you know you are not alone. We have all lost somebody and know what you are going through. Try not to isolate yourself from family and friends because I have done that and it gets lonely, find comfort in some way whether it is a therapist (an option I have chosen),family,friends or this website. Whatever helps. May you find some comfort
<3

Dec 30, 2011
Feeling alone
by: Pat J

Dear Feeling Alome,

You are not alone. All of us on this site are here to listen to you. Post as often as you can , anytime, someone is aways here.
It is 3:30a.m. in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and I read your post. I could not fall back to sleep, so I came onto this site. I come here everyday.
Your grandma knew how much you loved her,Her spirit will always be with you. Talk to her, I lost my husband on June 27th of a massive heart attack. I was standing at the side of the bed right by him. He'd awakened, sat on the side of te bed, said he was thirsty; I got him something to drink, he took two sips, put his head down and he was gone. Didn't realize at the time that he had died. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye and after he was pronounced dead at the hospital, when I was in the room with him alone, I told him I would never say goodbye. He lives in my heart. I talk to him everyday. Does he answer back, no, but I feel his presence and he does give me signs, he's watching over me. My faith in God has got me through this horrible experience. He died the day after our 46th wedding anniversary.
Anytime you can, come to this site, someone is here to listen.
Thank you for your service to our great country!

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