Feeling Disconnected....

by VJ

I haven't been here lately but I wanted to write and ask some of you (parents) that have lost children if you are able to connect with your other children since the loss of your child?

I lost my youngest child a little over three years ago (she was 26) and my oldest is now thirty. They were close in their own way but as my mother use to say about my sister and I, they were like daylight and dark. Opposites in many ways but they did spend time together and loved each other. Now, I am finding it harder to be connected to my oldest surviving daughter.
She has never been one to openly share her emotions. After her sister was killed in a car wreck she never really talked about her. She has a child of her own and seemed to avoid discussing her sister much-unless it was a funny memory. My daughter that passed left behind a little girl. She is with her dad and seems to be doing well. I did tell my daughter recently that I feel like she is distancing herself and I miss her. We do visit and talk weekly but it is seldom about our loss. I don't push or discuss my feelings with her normally because I know it makes her feel uncomfortable. Recently she excluded me from something Very special. I told her I was hurt and I had to tell her how I felt because of All the hurt/pain I was carrying was weighing me down and I Needed to be open and honest. She told me that the pain from losing her sister was almost more than she could bare during the holiday's. I told her I was here if she ever wants or needs to talk.
I'm not worried about her harming herself and she has a full life with friends and recently engaged. I would just like to know if Any of you have found yourself feeling disconnected emotionally from any of your surviving children? We were close in our own way before we lost my daughter.
Thank you and God Bless You.

Comments for Feeling Disconnected....

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Dec 22, 2012
Brother's grief
by: Anonymous

I certainly do feel disconnected from my oldest son since the death of his younger brother. He seemed to gravitate toward the comfort of girlfriends, rather than share his grief with his father and me. He was very close to his younger brother. There was 3 and half years difference in their ages, but they were like two peas in a pod growing up. I took them everywhere together. Beach trips, museum trips, mountain trips, shopping, just everywhere I went, they were always along. They both were very much loved. It's been a very rough time. His brother's death has affected him in a terrible way. I try to understand. It has affected all of us in a bad, bad way. He knew and loved his brother every bit as long as his father and I did. In ways, I'm sure he even knew his brother better than his father and I did. Even though I am Mom, I have come to realize that it's not all about my feelings. You think that because you carried this child, and he was your child, that you hurt more than anybody else over the death. But, that is not necessarily true. We all hurt over losing somebody this close to us. All I can say is, hopefully time and effort will bring us healing and into a better place. Grief is grief. No matter who feels it. We all have to deal with it in our own way. God bless you.

Dec 03, 2012
by: Anonymous

Yes, I understand what you're feeling. My youngest daughter passed away last February at the age of 30. I have 2 older daughters and I KNOW that I love them as much as the daughter I lost but somehow I don't feel it like I did before.

I honestly don't know why I don't feel anything as intensely as I did before, but I don't. I'm sure that shock, fear, and anger (at what I don't know) play a part, but I feel like my feelings are wrapped in cotton wool.

I wish I had words of wisdom to share with you, but all I can extend is my understanding :(.

Dec 02, 2012
Feeling Disconnected.....
by: Doreen U.K.

VJ I have no experience to address your question. All I can say is that Death makes us feel very disconnected.... I have this problem with My Adult Son of 43yrs. But I don't have this with my 2 Adult daughters 40yrs. 32yrs. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 7 months ago and my son has run away, wondering if His father was proud of him. He is very disconnected from his 2 sisters.
The clue is in your surviving daughter's statement when she says. How she feels about losing her sister and she can hardly bear this loss. She would greatly benefit from grief counselling otherwise her distancing herself from you will cause her worse problems if she loses you. She is handling her sister's death the only way she knows how. "Not facing this loss just now because it is too painful." Perhaps one day she may turn to you. But she knows you are suffering in your own ways and she doesn't want to burden you with her sorrow as she sees as very private. Somtimes we can't turn to our family for support. Some family members turn to friends or outsiders who are impartial. You are too close to be supportive in the way she needs this. It can make a mother feel very alone and like a stranger to her own child. Almost like being pushed away. I have experience this. I try not to let it hurt me by concentrating on what my daughter needs are and how she needs her friend more than me. Your surviving daughter also will be processing LOSS and what will she do if she loses her mom. She is also disconnecting from the problem and from herself like a self protection so it won't hurt so bad. These are all coping mechanisms. Just keep a close eye on the situation and try to get your daughter to see a grief counselor. It is a very painfull experience but the rewards are worth the effort to try to Heal from our Loss.
Focus on your surviving daughter's needs now and this till take the fragility of the situation off you and on the problem. Ask your daughter from time to time how you both can resolve the problem of distance between you, because it is affecting you and you don't like feeling the way you do as if she is a stranger. Time is a healer and she may one day surprise you by changing and being co-operative. There is no easy answer but to remember that DEATH changed the circumstances. You didn't and neither did your surviving daughter. There was more sensitivity between us as a family when their father died. I had a close bond with my eldest daughter. She became estranged. Death caused this. I tell God how I feel and He is in control and help resolve the situation in time.

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