Feeling Guilty About Not Being Able to Go to the Cemetary!

I haven't visited my mom's grave since last September and I almost had the chance this week when I went up to New York for her unveiling of her footstone, but my Dad took ill and everything got cancelled. It was decided by the family that if one of us couldn't go, there was no point in going. I had no say in the matter and I had no way of even getting to the cemetary which was two hours away. Fortunately, some local relatives did the unveiling service for us and even took pictures of the footstone, but I still feel guilty that I wasn't there. My Dad kept telling me to go without him, but I knew in my heart it wasn't the right thing to do because my mother would have wanted me to take care of him.

Everyone keeps telling me that it's just a plot of land and mom wouldn't know if I was there or not, but I still feel guilty.

Please tell me I did the right thing!

Comments for Feeling Guilty About Not Being Able to Go to the Cemetary!

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Dec 17, 2011
The cemetary
by: Lynnzy

My mom died when I was 9 years old and there was nobody to help me deal with it so I just did not deal with it at all. I never cried, never went to the cemetary, and I never looked back. I spend 40 years feeling terrible, nervous and depressed because I never cried for my mom. One day I decided to go get her death certificate and it said what cemetary she was buried at so I went there and asked them to give me the grave plot. I had it written on paper, but I could not see the signs so I got all depressed and started to look for a place to park the car and get out and just cry. I found a spot to park, I got out of the car and looked for a comfortable spot to sit down, and to make a long story short... i was sat right down on her UN-MARKED GRAVE. It was my mom calling me all along. I did on that day find out that her grave was un-marked and that prompted me to go and buy a stone. I tell you all this because you were wondering if was 'just a plot of dirk'. I say it is not. I wandered in grief right to my mom's grave unknowingly and sat right down on top of it not knowing until later. This can only mean that it's not just a plot of dirt. My mom died December 20th 1971 and her grave stone was just put in a few days before her birthday on August 11th 2011. It took 40 years for me to grieve, but now I know that she has been with me all along.

Sep 23, 2011
Visiting a Grave or my Mom
by: Tina in Chicago

This is the question I have struggled with since my Mom passed in March 2011. I know my Mom's earth body is there, but I don't know if "my Mom is there." I don't know why but I just can't make myself go yet. She told me she isn't there but I know people expect you to mark the grave. I also think I somehow want to not face the finality of a resting place. Why is this step so hard for me? It it wrong to wait even though people are surely judging you?

Aug 15, 2011
I have the chance to go to the cemetary
by: Ilana

My mother's birthday is coming up and my cousin is getting married in New York the same weekend so my Dad got tickets for me and my brother and me and his fiance to go to the wedding and visit my mother. This time we are seeing mom first before seeing the family.

I'm so happy that I get the chance to visit with my mother!

Jul 06, 2011
by: Zoe

There are so many guilts associated with death, what I should have done, what I could have done. Now that your mother has been taken, you have to be sensitive to your father. It may have been too much for him to see the ground where she is. Your mother would, I am sure, be very proud she raised a child that put her father's wellbeing before her own.

That being said, you cannot ignore your own journey through grief. It sounds like this visit is very important to you. If it is, then make it, do what you need to do for yourself.

and as always
One Breath, one step, one day at a time.

Jul 06, 2011
Doing what is Good
by: Judith in California

You missed the chance and your Dad needed you to care for him. Your Mother would have been proud of you for staying with him. The gravesite is where you laid the body to rest but God took her spirit home with Him. You did the right thing. Your Mom is being cared for by God. Your Dad needs you to help him.

Take care and may you find peace with what I've said here.

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