Feeling Incredible Guilt and Sorrow over my mom's death 5 weeks ago...
by Linda J.
(Fremont, CA USA)
Sept. 5th, 2012 is when I lost my Precious mother to a sudden and tragic death.
She was frail, but nothing seemed wrong with her. I guess I was in denial about HOW frail she was.
Today, I spoke with the last person that saw her and he said she was hunched over, that she was very frail and she was not feeling well (very rare for Mom).
She was incredibly stressed over having to short-sell her home, leave it and come to live with my brother and me. She was so independent and always liked living alone.
Said that having to clean out her house was stressing her, that my brother was busy and her daughter (me)was either not helping her or not able to get there to help her.
I was already feeling hideous about myself that I did not do more for her that I could/should have but today's conversation has me wishing I was not live more than ever.
My brother had just seen her the day before and gave no indication of her looking or feeling poorly.
I had just spoken with her, on the phone and she sounded her normal self-not one shred of anything sounding off.
I cannot forgive myself for neglecting her like that and it does not matter what anyone says-that is a fact. I neglected her and it contributed to her death.
I am sickened beyond words by this.
I have been missing her sooooooooooooooooo much and had No idea How much I loved her and now this.
I am a waste of space on this planet and wish I did not exist.
She led Such a good, honest, clean, hard-working life and did *not* deserve to die such an awful, tragic and lonely death.
It is I who do not deserve to live-not her...
I am sorry but that is how I am feeling...