Feeling Incredible Guilt and Sorrow over my mom's death 5 weeks ago...

by Linda J.
(Fremont, CA USA)

Sept. 5th, 2012 is when I lost my Precious mother to a sudden and tragic death.

She was frail, but nothing seemed wrong with her. I guess I was in denial about HOW frail she was.

Today, I spoke with the last person that saw her and he said she was hunched over, that she was very frail and she was not feeling well (very rare for Mom).

She was incredibly stressed over having to short-sell her home, leave it and come to live with my brother and me. She was so independent and always liked living alone.

Said that having to clean out her house was stressing her, that my brother was busy and her daughter (me)was either not helping her or not able to get there to help her.

I was already feeling hideous about myself that I did not do more for her that I could/should have but today's conversation has me wishing I was not live more than ever.

My brother had just seen her the day before and gave no indication of her looking or feeling poorly.

I had just spoken with her, on the phone and she sounded her normal self-not one shred of anything sounding off.

I cannot forgive myself for neglecting her like that and it does not matter what anyone says-that is a fact. I neglected her and it contributed to her death.

I am sickened beyond words by this.

I have been missing her sooooooooooooooooo much and had No idea How much I loved her and now this.

Disgusting.

I am a waste of space on this planet and wish I did not exist.

She led Such a good, honest, clean, hard-working life and did *not* deserve to die such an awful, tragic and lonely death.

It is I who do not deserve to live-not her...

I am sorry but that is how I am feeling...

Comments for Feeling Incredible Guilt and Sorrow over my mom's death 5 weeks ago...

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May 22, 2014
In great Grief- lost My mother
by: Rahul

I got a successful career and credit goes to my mother.I love her soooo much i can't explain.
but got in love with a girl and married her...from there the issue starts.
my wife doesn't like my mom, as mom criticized her for helping her own family then me.
But I was Ok with my wife's decision to support her family, and hoped that she will understand the same and also take care of my family.
but thing gone wild, my wife keep nagging about my mother and make it really unpleasant and inconvenient for me to even meet or talk to my Mom.
i was just waiting that things will get well with the Time But....
My Mom got heart attack and she Passed Away...i didn't even get the opportunity to say her that ..how much i love her and really miss her.
Mom Often comes in my Dream and its felt like real.....
I am in great pain and broke as i can't make my Mother Happy....

Nov 09, 2013
My mum died in July
by: Anonymous

My mum passes away in July.She had congestive heart failure for the previous five years and had become quite frail. I hadn't got to see her before she died she was admitted in to hospital suffering from low blood pressure and passed away suddenly the following morning. I had not seen her for three weeks being too busy with my kids, work and even going away with my girlfriends for a few nights.Now I feel so guilty.I had planned to visit her the week after she died instead I came to her funeral. What hurts is that she spent a lot of that week alone as my sister who lives near her was away with work.She had told me she was lonely and I dismissed it telling her to read the newpaper or watch TV. Now I feel like a bad daughter for not being there when she needed me most. I had being told by her cardiologist that she was in the end stage of heart failure. Why didn't I listen and spend every hour I could with her? Her doctor even said to me the only thing you can give her is time.I miss her so much and she was a brilliant mum kind generous and loved me dearly. Please help.

Jan 07, 2013
How Can I Get Over The Grief and Guilt Over My Moms Death
by: Anonymous

I lost my mom to what appears to be a massive heart attack. I did not see her as I should have I did not go over to her house every day. She had problems keeping her balance as she walked, but I thought it was because she sat down all the time. She trusted me. She had a stroke that year and we thought that she was recovering. She always smiled when she saw me, always giving me compliments. I wasn't,t around enough to notice that the swelling in her legs was what was keeping her from walking better. She was on LAsix for the swelling. She had a heart problem, but we were taking her to a doctor that was not a cardiologist. We found her papers after she died. I should have taken her to there just to make sure she was okay. Due to her stroke she probably could not make her needs known effectively. She cried a lot. She would always say she was in no pain. Out of the blue I got the phone call, my mom had passed. I am devastated. How can I live with myself


Nov 10, 2012
Pain
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry. Your sad story is so very similar to mine. My Mom left me September 1, 2012. I am so alone and sad, I think I will die of a broken heart. My Mom was my everything, we talked four times a day, did all shopping together and told each other everything. My Dad has passed, my child is grown, my husband too busy. I have no friends because all I ever wanted was to be with my Mom. I am so lonely. I know I am no help to you, just know I am hurting with you. I hope you feel my compassion, sincerely. I pray God will help us.

Nov 05, 2012
A part of the Process
by: Anonymous

Dear Linda

I've read your letter and I'm not sure how you're feeling now, but I'd like to respond. I lost my Mum in September too, and I cannot believe how much remorse I feel. However, I am slowly beginning to understand that guilt is a big part of mourning for what we have lost.

Do not confuse your feeling of loss with the belief that you neglected your mother and that you contributed to her death. In the fast-paced age in which we live, there are so many things which must be done in the course of a day that life becomes a constant juggle of priorities. To complicate matters, with all the technology in the world, no-one has the ability to predict the hour of departure. It seems to me you had no warning, no suspicion, no clue at all that your Mum's health was failing, let alone that her time on earth was ending. You wrote that you had just spoken with her on the phone and she sounded her normal self; your brother had seen her the day before and gave no indication that she looked poorly. How does that make you guilty of neglect, simply because you had not gone to her on that particular day?

We are human and our human limitation is such that we can only be in one place at one time. Perhaps it will help to remember what you were doing that prevented you from being with your Mum on that specific day, at the specific time of her departure. Given the fact that we own no knowledge of the future - of what will happen within the next hour of our lives, or even the next minute - is it fair to blame yourself that you were not with her? As much as we love and depend on our mothers in our early years, we as daughters instinctively know that the tables turn as they grow older, and there comes a time when they begin to lean on us for support. That takes energy and strength. Even if you were only sitting in front of the television, it is possible that you were tired and that, without realising it, you were trying to gather strength to fulfill your intention of going to see her.

Please do not be so hard on yourself. At one time or another, your Mum was probably in the same position with her own mother, and I am sure she completely understands. As for your conversation with "the last person that saw her", consider the possibility that this person was speaking from a sense of guilt and remorse too. I hope you will be able in time to put some perspective into that conversation and in your own feelings of confusion. You probably feel, as I have done, and still do, that you had abandoned your Mum in her hour of need. I would like to tell you that the first thing I felt on receiving the news of my Mum's departure is a deep and raw sense that she had abandoned me - that she had gone and left me without saying goodbye. I am beginning to understand that it was not like that at all. My Mum did not abandon me, she left her love behind to sustain me, and neither did I abandon her... wherever she is now, she knows that my love is with her to sustain her.

Oct 31, 2012
I felt similar
by: Anonymous

It wasn't until my Mum died that I realised how much I loved her. I felt so guilty that I hadn't shown her that love and had said how much i loved her and hugged her more. She died from a massive heart attack in February this year so I wasn't able to say these things.I was very fortunate to be visited by my Mum in a dream . In my dream we gave each other a massive hug and I told her how much I loved her. I hope that you can find comfort in knowing that this felt so real.

Oct 31, 2012
I felt similar
by: Anonymous

It wasn't until my Mum died that I realised how much I loved her. I felt so guilty that I hadn't shown her that love and had said how much i loved her and hugged her more. She died from a massive heart attack in February this year so I wasn't able to say these things.I was very fortunate to be visited by my Mum in a dream . In my dream we gave each other a massive hug and I told her how much I loved her. I hope that you can find comfort in knowing that this felt so real.

Oct 11, 2012
Appointed Time
by: Anonymous

Even assuming you neglected her as you say, God already had her time appointed and there was nothing you could have done to change that.

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