feeling lost without my wife

by scott
(tallahassee)


my wife and i separated last october. i'm 48 and she's 24 although i never see anyone as a number. there were communication issues from the start of our relationship.first of all we fell in love right away and she moved in 3 weeks later, then we decided to have a baby a couple months later. she had a 4 year old and with me being 46 i said better sooner than later. for the first 8 or 9 months of the relationship every time there was the slightest little fight michelle ran back to her mom's house for 3 days, 2 days, 5 days. in short she wasn't truly ready to give all of herself, really be loved and give love. unfortunately this put a little bug in the back of my mind that said maybe this was an illusion and she wasn't going to be around forever. we had the baby and got married a couple weeks later. my worst personality flaw has always been when i feel scared or threatened i pull away and build a wall around myself. i basically willed her to leave even though it was the last thing i wanted. we started a small business and i more or less blew off her opinions. i purposely withheld sex b/c the more we made love the closer we were and the more it would hurt when she left. we had sex every week or 10 days, sometimes 2 weeks. i purposely watched porn and let her catch me and i had never had any interest in porn before. there were a couple of physical altercations. she attacked me when she was 6 months pregnant and the cops came wanting to take her to jail and i said no. then last august, after things had started to get where we were talking separation off and on she started another fight and punched me in the mouth. she kept coming into the bedroom wanting to fight and i pushed her out by her neck several times. at one point for whatever reason she brought our then 10 month old baby into the room. i had dialed 911 when she hit me but didn't hit talk, again not wanting her to get in trouble. well i pushed her out of the room by the shoulder the baby was not on and she called the cops. i got arrested, a warrant was requested for her but nothing came of it. my charges got reduced down to disorderly conduct. there was a no contact order put in place and it took 2 months to get back home. after the fight i filed for divorce and she filed a domestic violence injunction. after a couple days she started calling saying how sorry she was and would i please withdraw the divorce petition which i did and she withdrew the injunction. shortly before the fight michelle had been digging through my old facebook conversations and found a talk i had had one time while she was at her mom's a year and a half ago with an old girlfriend from 13 years ago. i did talk sex stuff with her even though she lives a thousand miles away and is married with 3 kids. needless to say my wife now said she couldn't trust me. anyway, about 5 days after i was out of the house a friend told me to look on the plenty of fish dating site and there was my wife. she said she slept with someone to get even with me and she felt horrible and would i please forgive her. two months later the court date came, michelle stood up in court and told the judge she wanted me home and wanted to fix our marriage. this was on a wednesday. the next day we were driving to the mall for something and she was grinning and texting. i asked who it was and she said i guy she had been sending naked pictures to from the dating site which apparently she had stayed on. i asked her that night to leave. so i came home on a weds and she was gone on sunday. while we both wanted to reach out and hold each other and apologize and promise not to hurt each other no words were spoken . i had so many things i wanted to say but no words came out. we didn't touch, didn't look at each other- all this after swearing we were going to fix things. we cried our eyes out when the movers came and i wanted to tell them to fxxx off so bad but again no words came out. the separation is a nightmare. michelle is a love/relationship addict. she falls in love immediately or projects love onto each new relationship. her lack of self esteem wont let her be alone for a minute or she feels worthless. she needs that physical attention, that high of the new relationship, that chase. ultimately these relationships last 4 or 6 weeks until one or both parties realize it isn't love at all. i believed she and i had broken that pattern. although we fell in love quickly, it was real love. i've never loved anyone like i love her and noone has ever made me feel more loved, wanted, needed, or appreciated. it took me a few months to start talking to god and asking him to look inside my sould and help me understand myself. i read dozens of articles about how to win back a wife with a hardened heart, talked to my pastor, started counseling. i finally understand myself for the first time in my entire life. i was able to write her a long letter acknowledging the things i had done that may have hurt her and sincerely apologizing as well as telling what i would do differently in the future. i know longer need to lie, hide my feelings, i learned how to listen.we had talked for a few days in february about our love for each other but like a dumb ass i backed off (she had already had two relationships by that time). it took me until april to come up with this letter after discovering myself and unfortunately i gave it to her a week after she had started a new relationship and it never got read. it's so hard dealing with her illness, knowing how many guys have had my wife but it's an addiction, like any other. i broke up one relationship. the guy was in the air force and i reported him and the airforce stopped the relationship immediately. they don't dig adultery. i prayed long and hard before doing it. i knew it would push her away and not make her come running to me but i was hoping to intervene and get her to all the relationships. she was having these guys sleep in the house sometimes the first day she met them with my baby and my stepdaughter in the house, leaving the kids with sitters way too much, and i just hoped she would take some time and think again about what is really important - the kids, and try to figure out what makes her happy and what she likes and maybe even reopen her heart and see our love in there. she had told friends she was in love with this guy the first week. well she didn't mourn for long. 5 days later she was back up on the dating site. by now i was in panic mode. the separation was 8 months old and i felt like i'm running out of time to save my marriage. i did some of the dumbest shit ever the past couple weeks. i made 4 or 5 different pages on the site all with pics of us saying i was just working on my marriage and watched regularly to see if she was online and would send her instant messages. i even went so far the other day as to send probably a hundred emails to guys telling them she was my wife and i was trying to reconcile and would they please not respond to contact from her or cut off contact if they had spoken with her. right now she hates me and thinks i'm a psycho. she's right. my mind has been playing tricks on me. my business failed so i'm stuck home, we're having to file bankruptcy and sell my house which is the only place we have any equity. somehow i got to the point of trying to control what i can't control. she won't get help until she's ready. i totally crossed over the line and did and said things i would have never dreamed of before. i just feel/felt such panic. each time she starts a new thing i feel like the window closes a little more on us ever talking about things. we never have and to my knowledge she never read that letter. i still want my wife and our life back. yeah she has mental issues, as do i apparently. she has blocked her phone and is avoiding the dating site b/c she knows i watch her on there (she was back on today for a bit). she has gone out of town to a friends house 3 hours away twice in the last week taking the baby while leaving her older daughter at her greatgrandma's house - the baby daddy also still lives with his grandma he's a 25 year old pothead who doesn't pay attention to his daughter at all. it's a fine line i'm walking from all i've learned in counseling and reading online. i have to stay present enough to let her know i'm here and i love her but not apply too much pressure which pushes her away. she's very, very stubborn. now i have not only applied pressure i have done shit i can't imagine myself doing. being stuck in this empty house by myself without money has made me depressed and i''m sure contributed to my self destructive behavior. anyone ever heard of something so crazy? i believe god brought us together for a reason and doesn't want me to stop but i've sure made it hard and with her condition it's even harder. what a pill to swallow knowing 5 or 6 guys have screwed your wife and she's looking now. does anyone have any suggestions at all

lost in tallahassee

Comments for feeling lost without my wife

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May 30, 2012
reply
by: Anonymous

it's a tough call, it really is/was love. if it were any other separation with someone where the addiction that she has wasn't a factor I believe we would have reconciled long ago. The love wasn't the issue. Were there some emotional issues and communication problems absolutely. I know the difference between love and lust it wasn't my first piece of ass. My wife has some mental issues, and I have some depression problems at times and dealing with this at the same time as my business just failed and I lost $130k and have to file bankruptcy and sell the house was just more than my mind could take. Some of my moves to stop her love addiction have been sketchy b/c nobody can help an addict until they want to help themselves. I do appreciate your input. I've been married before and been in several relationships and never loved or been loved like with my wife. I continue to pray daily for God's guidance and I will know when it's time to quit. I've got to step back now and let her go thru another failed relationship and can only hope something slaps her in the face or makes her feel like she's at bottom and wants to go back to the only happy time she's ever had in her life and we can save our family. Time will tell.

May 30, 2012
Learning Point
by: Judith in California

Scott, I won't sugar coat wht needs to be done here. You both were emotionally not ready for a truely loving and equal, caring sharing respectful marriage. Sometimes people fall in love with a look, or style of a person before they get to know what kind of character they have. They rush into it pounding heart and lust first and they end up with just exactly with what you have here. You both acted like children who couldn't get their way. In your seprations you both played disrespectful games that would not sit well with a lasting relationship.

You can't be one sided about who all she has slept with and not make the same conclusion for yourself. The trouble with all genders is that they hop in and out of the sack with so many people it becomes more recreational than meaningful. How could it.

You still have to co-parent your child but you have to let each other alone if you truly can't live in harmony and without the childish games. And from what I read here you can't.

Let go and move on and learn the lesson. Marriage is about respect, trust, and equality and having a good christian foundation. You don't destroy self respect or dignity in yourself or your mate. And you don't fight in front of your child.

Good luck with your future choice of a partner.

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