Feeling nothing. Empty.

Well it's been 17 months since I lost my partner of 20 years suddenly to cancer.
It seems as though he was only here yesterday still to me, but to everyone else it seems like, well, 17 months ago I guess. I've never been a very social person, just happy being with my partner in my life and happy with our home life.
I work full time which has been a God send as I think I would have gone totally mad by now without that distraction.
I haven't changed anything since he passed, same house, same friends, same routine, have bought mmyself nothing, and rarely go out. I have tried going out with friends and visiting people but I seem to always want to go home not long after I arrive, I tend to stare into space around people and find myself drifting back to when my partner and I shared the company of these same friends together. People say think of all the wonderful memories, but that hurts too, I miss those times so much.
It feels the only comfort I get is being alone with my thoughts and memories. I tried to organise a holiday with a friend to try and give myself something to look forward to. But I cancelled as I knew down inside I didn't really want to go anywhere.
What I'm trying to say I guess is I just don't want to go anywhere, I don't want anyone's company, I don't want to do anything, I just want to be alone if I can't have my partner. The the weird thing with that is I don't feel lonely and although I'm very sad deep inside I'm not miserable either. I almost feel nothing anymore.
Sometimes I wish I knew how long I have left to live, I'm 50 and the way things are I hate the thought of living too long. Knowing an end date would suit me fine.
It's so good to come to this site and know others are going through this pain as well and they understand and relate to it. Thanks everyone.

Comments for Feeling nothing. Empty.

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Nov 18, 2013
please help, i'm at a loss
by: Anonymous

Hi, i lost my husband last october 2 this year and i am also feeling numb and at times lost... and i don't want to be found. friends are reaching out but i felt no enthusiasm nor a little excitement to be with them and talk to them. even my parents and siblings can't penetrate the empty hole in my deep being. i only want to be with my three children who happen to be aged 24, 22 and 18. i am looking for someone who does not know me and whom i do not know so that i could freely pour out my feelings, fears, uncertainties and regrets. i don't have so many happy memories with my spouse like what you have experienced, no happy memories to think of and linger on to dull away the pain. after his burial i experienced panic attack, same feeling when he lashed at me and my children when he was angry. sometimes i wouldn't know if i loved my husband or not or maybe i just switched off my feelings every time i was hurting. i don't want to work anymore since i was working with him with his business and i don't want to remember the sad and painful moments i experienced in our workplace. sometimes i want my breathing to stop and go to a place where nobody knows me. i really appreciate this activity where i can pour out my feelings.

Aug 28, 2013
My Irish
by: Dawn

Wow, I am glad you wrote, I feel very similar to you. My husband died 16 months ago to cancer. I dont want to remember,cry,be sad. Like the song,Confortably numb is so much easier. I was 50 when he died. How do you start over at that age? He was half my life. I did find a church I LOVE otherwise I would not go out. Friends want to do things,plan stuff and I feel panic. Cant commit to tomorrow. My dreams take all my feelings and could make me crazy but I am tired of them. Do you have bad dreams all the time? I am not surpressing my feelings and dont think you are either. Just get us threw another day. Please have peace,your friend

May 10, 2013
by: Anonymous

Thanks Doreen and Anthony for your comments. They help so much. It's good to share feelings with people who understand exactly what I'm feeling. I tend not to share my feelings with friends as they get that glazed over look on their faces. I don't like people feeling pity for me or feeling sorry for me. Although I understand their hearts are in the right place.
And yes Doreen, I too often have mental images of my partner walking around the house and sitting beside me watching TV. I still make comments to his chair when I'm watching TV sometimes. Anthony I too feel as though he is buzzing around me still. I thought there was something wrong with feeling that but have decided I don't care anymore as long I find comfort from it. I eat when I want, I sleep when I want, I do what ever I want without torturing myself about it.
My partner suggested I just think of him as being away somewhere, not dead. That seems to be what I do without even trying. I don't think of him being on the other side of the country, I don't think of him as dead, I feel as though he is just above me, guiding me still. Maybe he is, I like to think so.
This frozen place I seem to have found myself in is still a far better place than where I was last year. Feeling nothing isn't so bad after all. It beats being in intense grief, pain and overwhelmed with sorrow every moment of the day.

Doreen, I love reading your comments. I don't comment a lot myself but I always find comfort reading your compassionate reply's. Your a terrific help to me and a lot of other people that come here.x

May 09, 2013
I feel the same
by: Anthony C

I read your post and Doreen's reply ..... It echoes exactly how i feel after having lost my beloved wife Constance to cancer 14 months ago.

Time is frozen and its like yesterday - like you, nothing has changed in my home, I so not want to go for holidays and just refer being at home.

yes, I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up again, or, rather, wake up in the afterlife with my beloved Constance kissing me awake ..... I hope this will happen sooner than later.

Meanwhile, I just plod through the last bit of my existence, which, as we have no kids, well is more or less a meaningless and miserable existence as there is no one to share it with anymore.

Cons said to me to go find someone else to grow old with - i told her easier said than done, and time has proven me right. Most vulnerable is the widow or widower in your early 50s for people with an agenda to benefit from. I can only surmise that i am able to survive this is that my beloved is hovering around and protecting me from them! Hence the lack of desire to interact with others ,....

Sigh...... Why can't we go to be with our transited loved ones soon?

May 09, 2013
Feel Nothing. Empty
by: Doreen U.K.

WEll Guess What? You have just described how I feel also. I like the way you expressed how you feel and what is happening in your life. It meant so much to me.
What is happening to us is: We feel a level of sorrow for our loss and nothing can replace or fill any gaps from where we are. But We are also to a degree CONTENT with where we are. We don't want anything to disturb our world. If we could go to sleep and never wake up this would be a good thing. We wouldn't have to struggle with the how's and what's to do in order to move forward with our lives. We have somewhat settled into an acceptance of what is happened to us and nothing is going to change this or alter the way we feel. Even if it is nothing at the moment. WE ARE STUCK WITH OUR LOT IN LIFE. I guess this describes how you feel. I have use the plural WE. So that you don't feel so alone as if you are the only one who feels this way. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me. Almost as if I am meant to be crying more. Not have a happy moment. Have a Shrine of some sort in memory of my husband and mourn Him forever. I almost feel guilty for not being miserable. Almost as if my feelings are frozen and I am going to thaw out and fall to pieces. this is what I call the shock absorbers God gives us so that we don't fall to pieces. We can grieve slowly so our body, and psyche can take it and not collapse or be destroyed by death. or our loss of our BELOVED LIFE PARTNER/HUSBAND.
There is nothing wrong with you. You have settled into a level that is comfortable and manageable for you. This could change in time and I am sure you would move with those changes. There will come a time when it is the RIGHT TIME for us Widows to know how to move on and when. We don't work to some sort of timetable like many people/family EXPECT of us. We take one day at a time and get through our day as best as we can. Our home is our cocoon at the moment. I sit here and see mental images of my husband walking through the house or garage or even shopping. It is a good feeling. I hate the last memories of the cancer and I am happy for having new memories. This is helping me move forward a little. But I miss the whole lot. The daily interaction and the company of two of us having a simple life and cooking together and making some good dishes. Just like you I didn't go out much. I was a homemaker and this has gone now. We have lost a lot and have to take time to get our heads around this. Like you I FEEL NOTHING. I am frozen in time.

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