Feeling nothing. Empty.
Well it's been 17 months since I lost my partner of 20 years suddenly to cancer.
It seems as though he was only here yesterday still to me, but to everyone else it seems like, well, 17 months ago I guess. I've never been a very social person, just happy being with my partner in my life and happy with our home life.
I work full time which has been a God send as I think I would have gone totally mad by now without that distraction.
I haven't changed anything since he passed, same house, same friends, same routine, have bought mmyself nothing, and rarely go out. I have tried going out with friends and visiting people but I seem to always want to go home not long after I arrive, I tend to stare into space around people and find myself drifting back to when my partner and I shared the company of these same friends together. People say think of all the wonderful memories, but that hurts too, I miss those times so much.
It feels the only comfort I get is being alone with my thoughts and memories. I tried to organise a holiday with a friend to try and give myself something to look forward to. But I cancelled as I knew down inside I didn't really want to go anywhere.
What I'm trying to say I guess is I just don't want to go anywhere, I don't want anyone's company, I don't want to do anything, I just want to be alone if I can't have my partner. The the weird thing with that is I don't feel lonely and although I'm very sad deep inside I'm not miserable either. I almost feel nothing anymore.
Sometimes I wish I knew how long I have left to live, I'm 50 and the way things are I hate the thought of living too long. Knowing an end date would suit me fine.
It's so good to come to this site and know others are going through this pain as well and they understand and relate to it. Thanks everyone.