feeling so lost

by Mae
(OHIO)

I have often wondered why I was always in a surreal state when I heard of a family member passing away. I felt so sad in the back of my mind, I just wanted to cry and scream "WHY?" but i just sat there most of the time or sometimes just played along with the grief to show that I wasn't insane or numb to death. I was 3 years when the first family member had died, my grandmother passed away in 1985 of cancer, I was to young to know or express how I felt. I barely knew her. I was 8 years old when her sister passed away, I was named after her. I believe I was 13 years old when my mother's friend past away, very close like an aunt she was the first real friend to her since my mother came to this country. In Dec of 99, my grandfather of 10 children passed away during a holiday that I will never forget. Now there is only 6 of his children here today. 2 of my aunts died a month apart, My one aunt died in her home. My 2 uncles died months apart and one passed way broken. I had 3 cousins that passed away too young. I have countless friends that passed away, all bad situations from drug overdosed to car accidents and the worst of all, suicide. I had two close elderly neighbors that passed, they were my best friends grandparents. I had a wonderful pastor that passed as well. I have had so much grief in my heart that its hard to come to terms that I just build a wall where all my emotions are held back. I don't know, I am only 29 years old.