Feeling such a complex feeling of sadness

by Jake

I lost my mother when I was 8 years old to a car accident on January 14, 2004. am now 20. I feel as if when I was a child, when it was happening (the funeral, beforehand, after, my father breaking the news to me) I felt like I was in a fog. I have few memories of this experience, all I can remember from the viewing is kissing my mother goodbye in the casket and playing with Legos in the basement with all of my cousins and the classmates of mine that attended. I'm so thankful for all of the people in my life during that time. But lately, I have been having feelings of extreme sadness, and they are all very sudden. It's like I just woke up one morning from the fog I mentioned earlier and said to myself, "my mom is dead." Mother's Day, Christmas, her birthday, my birthday, other holidays are now all so depressing to me. It's all just so sudden. I must have just blocked my emotional pain as a child and never really dealt with the loss, because now I suddenly feel so depressed. I'm not sure what to do. I feel strange talking to my father about it because I'm SO sad SO suddenly. My relationship with my father has turned into more of a roommate arrangement. I just feel so weird. I want someone to talk to so badly. I feel so uncomfortable though. I'm beginning to hate myself and life. I just want to see my mother. I have few memories. There are few pictures. I don't know what to do.

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Jun 04, 2014
by: Debby

Hi Jake,
It would seem that at 8 years of age, there is no way that your child's mind could ever accept the utter loss that you suffered. Counseling wasn't recommended as much as it is now. It was definitely a childhood trauma that was not dealt with. If you can talk to your father about your mom, I think that would help. The deceased live on in our memories, and personally, I think speaking their name and reliving happy memories helps.
I'm rather new at this grief business myself. My husband of 33 years passed away unexpectedly this past January. So I too am in the turmoil of trying to cope.
Start with your dad or a sibling if you have any. If not, talk to someone. School counselor, church or professional grief counselor. I have not gone that route, but I hear it does help. Best of luck to you. You'll be in my prayers tonight.

Jun 04, 2014
Feeling such a complex feeling of sadness
by: Doreen UK

Jake it is so important to accept and honour the way you feel as normal delayed grief. Grief assaults us in so many ways. WE can also REPRESS our grief for all sorts of reasons. When one REPRESSES grief it goes down into our sub-conscious mind and as we mature and get older it then starts pressing for resolution. You will probably need the help of a counsellor in order to work at a deep level for those repressed feelings and memories to come to the surface, so you can deal with your pain and loss and start to heal. This grief work in counselling is very painful. But be brave and go through it. It soon passes and then you will start to feel the Healing process working and you will be able to reclaim your life back. If you do nothing you will feel worse and the depression will hold you back from living a normal and happier life. It can also cause you to make the wrong choices and decisions for your life due to this FOG. I have done this grief work in counselling. The Healing is amazing. You did nothing wrong. Children are not looked after very well when losing a loved one as important as a mother who is the prime nurturer. You didn't know how to react. My brother-in-law lost his father and mother over 35yrs. ago and he never dealt with his grief. He is going through it now in his 60's. He is also suffering from depression. You can get your life back and be happy again.

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