Feeling very lost

by Dini

I just got out of a 6 almost 7 year long relationship. He was my first
love and after about 1 year into our relationship my feelings had changed
for him, I no longer had that puppy dog love for him like I once did. I
wonder why for so long and than I had my intrusive thought of "What if I'm
gay" well that scared me right off the bat, I never had a gay thought ever
even when my female friend was hitting on me I was turn off from it because that is not me I always loved boys since I was in elementary school. So I realized that isn't true and I quickly got over it. We worked out our relationship and stayed together. Through the relationship he had a gambling addiction and he had been emotionally and financially abusive towards me I still loved him but I often fantasized about other men which
I have always done so in the past. So about 4 weeks ago decided to end the
relationship I just didn't love him anymore and there was just no future
for us. So because my anxiety is up very high due to my life style change
my intrusive "You must be gay" thoughts are coming into my head. I'm very upset by them because I didn't break up for him for that reason. I love men and I think women are beautiful but they don't attract me in that aspect. What fuels the thoughts is that once I ended the relationship all my feelings towards men (even my fantasies) just disappeared. It feels like he took my sexuality away from me. I don't feel like myself and my intrusive thoughts want me to act on them. It has really shaken my
confidence in myself. I wish I could feel for a man but I can't and that's when my intrusive thoughts come out even more. I get scared that I'm turning gay which makes no since to me and I'm having an inner tug of war with myself. This is my first break up too so all these emotions are new to me. My head keeps obsessing about being gay and turning butchy which is just not me. I love feeling womanly, it makes me feel like a freak in my own body and mind. I'm SO scared I'm losing control of my inner self. I can't stop thinking about it and it's so alarming. I feel like I'm soon going to scream "I'M GAY" and I don't want to because that is a lie against myself. I have know since I was a child that I liked boys so for me to think this is disturbing.

Comments for Feeling very lost

Click here to add your own comments

Aug 09, 2013
Brain washed
by: Anonymous

I think if you talk and pray to God and get into his word that will help you know the truth. What is on T.V and in the media, movies, books and magazines is what is confusing people young adults and even children. It is as if they are trying to shove this life style down our throats. It has people 2nd guessing themselves and driving them crazy. Trust in the Lord Jesus to show you the truth not the world because the devil is putting all kinds of stuff out there hoping to catch as many souls as he can before the return of Christ. I am so sorry for your hurting and the fact that you feel alone. If you can go to a Pastor or Priest and talk or even a very close friend.
Forget all this gay stuff and concentrate on yourself. Who are you? What do you want out of life? A change in location or job.
You get the picture. Forget the romance for now go out with friends and take care of yourself. Pray sister Pray. That always works for me.

Aug 09, 2013
Feeling very lost
by: Doreen U.K.

Dini we all have a battle with our mind and emotions at some point in our life. Often this transition takes place in the years of puberty, but can intrude at any time. We live in a fallen world and we have a devil who is trying to take over our mind and get us all confused. Read your Bible or go to a counsellor and work things out so you don't become so confused you make more problems for yourself by acting on your thought life.
I have had many battles of the mind, Will, and emotions and by God's Grace I overcame this with His help.
I remember one time going home from work and a man took a fancy to me. I dismissed this from my mind and replaced my thinking about what was the right thing to do. And I did it. I turned many a man away and I FOCUSED on what was the right thing to do. I fought many a thought that entered my head and tried to batter me down. Half the battle is gaining control over our own self. When we lose CONTROL, it is then we find life difficult. Getting back CONTROL of your life will help you. Perhaps a counsellor may be able to help you gain back CONTROL of your life and decisions. But reading the Bible helped me conquer with the help of God. When we are in control of our life we can't do anything we didn't choose to do. God gives us the power of Choice. When ever we make wrong choices with our life all we do is pick ourselves up. REPENT before God of these wrong choices and decisions we had made and God gives us a new slate as if we were clean before him and we start doing the right thing with God's help. WE can do nothing in our own strength. WE will keep failing and falling. Because we live in a sinful world and Satan is out to destroy us. Do we let him? You have to believe that you will come through this assault to your mind. Keep overcoming and you will get your life back.
Your long term boyfriend had an addiction and he was abusive. So you left him. Wise thing to do. Don't look back. Look forward. Make of your life what you want it to be. Best wishes.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Relationship.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!