Feeling worse nearly a year on

by Paul
(Middlesbrough, UK)

I was with my Ex wife for a little over 9 years. I was 12 years older than her, but because I am really young at heart, that was never a problem. We got married in the summer of 2009 and things couldn'tr have been better. We have three children who are my total world, they are the reason I get up in the morning. I want to say that our relationship was always fantastic and loving, but looking back it always seemed to be 2 weeks good and 2 weeks bad and I never got a lot of warmth from her. At times it was amazing and I used to look at her and feel like the luckiest man alive. The last couple of years just declined, there (to my knowledge) was never any adultery. Definitely none on my part, and she says none on hers which I tend to believe. I moved out in April 2013 for a trial seperation, but, we pretty much knew then that was the end. At first I felt fine, but on birthdays, and anniversarry's I have really felt the pain and grief of not being with my wife and children. I will always try and be the best Dad I can, and help and support my ex where I can. She has dated a couple of new people as have I, but after seeing her last weekend with a complete stranger I have not been right at all. I am totally pre-occupied with losing my family and seeing her with another man has wounded me deeply. I didn't make the situation any better as I confronted them and although it never escolated into violence...it could have. I am no better as that same evening I had kissed a girl in-front of my Ex, and all involved live very close to each other. I am ashamed of my behaviour, but I just wanted to get at her and show her two can play that game. I am 42 and acting like an 18 year old. I am in a lot of pain and thought time would make things better. So far this ahsn't been the case. I just want to be a good guy, and better than I was before. Hopefully writing this and putting it down will make things a bit easier. Sometimes the grief can be overwhelming, but I plan to make some positive changes in my life and live up to my own expectations and not wallow in any more self pity, because it is doing no-one any good. I can only change me and not the past, so this is what I am going to do. Live and let live, and be a better man from now on.

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Feb 28, 2014
Feeling worse nearly a year on
by: Doreen UK

Paul I am sorry for your loss of your wife and your relationship. Anger at breaking up can often make one do some strange things even getting revenge. BUT. You had one mad moment and realised two wrongs don't make a right so you have now decided to turn your life around. This is good, but don't just be putting on a brave face whilst you are dying inside. You can always see a grief counsellor and use some skills to heal and also to re-connect with someone else. Putting your energies into your children will help you and them. Children can often be damaged emotionally by a divorce/break up and you need to prevent damage that may take years to heal from if ever. I was a child of divorce and needed to do the whole counselling bit in my 40's and it was more painful, expensive, and took more years. But it was the best decision I made. I am a more HEALED person from resolving my losses with a counsellor. Life is full of pain however hard one tries to make a relationship work. I lost my husband to cancer so I am grieving and it is a pain I wish would heal fast.
I have to applaud you for your mature attitude to getting your life back. We can lose a lot of time grieving over what we can't change. But Grief is also a part of life and our healing from our losses. It just takes far too much time and energy to deal with. I wish you all the best in the days and months ahead and hope you find what you are looking for in life and that you can become the happy person you can be. Best wishes.

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