Feels like I've done it all already

I lost my husband to brain cancer two years ago. I grieved so fully that I had a complete mental collapse. I stayed on medication for 18 months and finally just quit using it, as it seemed pointless. I've done workshops and groups and talked until I'm blue, cried and screamed and cursed heaven, the doctors and everyone who might have had anything to do with his cause of death. I don't feel much better.

I hibernated for the 18 mos after he died. I lost everything, had to move back to the mainland from Hawaii and have no financial cushion. I live on Social security, barely making it. After a life of luxury and excess. I have no friends, am prohibitively shy and don't intend to make any. There is nobody I can talk to anymore, I've run the gamut already and I'm finished.

I rarely leave the place I live for any reason. I do everything online or via the phone if I possibly can. When I must go out, I go late at night when almost nobody is out and about. I don't sleep more than 4 hours in 24 now. I'm so done living that I pray for death, literally. It's too late to start over and I'm unappealing now anyway so nobody would have me.

I would gladly endure a painful terminal illness just to get out of here. I have nothing left to keep going for. No reason to ever hope for any kind of changes. I'm pretty sure I don't actually want any. I just want to stop being here. I am tired, mentally and physically. I am depressed and I realize that, but when I was on a more even keel I still wanted out.

I have no desire to confront the world alone or participate in it at all. I have never been very social and I am not about to begin to be so. I wouldn't off myself, I just wish I'd go to sleep and not have to wake up here again. It's so disappointing to wake and know I'm still alive all the time. I have no ties, nobody to be sad that I'm gone. So I don't have to worry about any of that. He's already gone so my worth as a human is over. I meant nothing to anyone else and didn't want to, don't now either.

I was a Psych grad student headed for a masters so I am fully aware that most would think me mentally ill. I am however only down and depressed and never have been a very bubbly, up person. More matter of fact and down to earth, a realist if you will. No pretense here. I just want my mind to cease functioning.

Comments for Feels like I've done it all already

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Nov 06, 2010
by: Anonymous

My brother had been ill for a year and finally on July 1st 2010, they found he had brain cancer. We
brought him home, didn't tell him, got hospice
to help us. Day by day for the next two weeks, he
sank deeper into the state of no return.

Personally, for me at least, the pain was so bad, I wondered if I'd survive, waiting for the end.
He went 9 days with no food or water, not aware
of anything. I was afraid to sleep, or leave the house. Now, I have stopped living also. I don't
care what goes on, what the weather is, what day,
I sit in my chair from morning until night.

Something will change somewhere, somehow, because nothing stays the same, good or bad. I've lived
long enough to know when you ride out the storm
the sun is shinning on the other side.
Bless you, we'll make it.

Nov 05, 2010
Brain injuries

I have thought about your situation and feel that I may have been harsh in my response. I do apologise it is not that easy to just snap out of it. I know My husband had a brain injury aneurysm with a stroke following the surgery. He was here for a year and I would give anything for the new or old Paul. The memories of the long hospital stay, therapy, his changed behavior will will still rush in to haunt me 2 years later.

I just know that you were meant to go on as we all are here. We were not meant to follow our loved ones to heaven but somehow plant the smallest life here for ourselves. To move on through the pain knowing that they would want us to do so.

So as everyone here has said, one day, one step at a time and know that we are all thinking of you and wishing you strength on this miserable but necessary journey through grief. You are special, remember that. Like you, We all had someone that knew that. And they want us to thrive and blossom to be the person that they fell in love with. To some how give the world a chance to see what we are deep inside. To experience all that there is to see and not waste another day in despair.

Nov 03, 2010
One very small step at a time
by: Jen

I too lost my husband on the third battle with cancer to brain cancer on 18 Dec 2008.

This new awfulness has thrust us into a dark dark place.

My husband lived every day to the full thro illness and treatment and in my own head i need to find the determination to keep going and at last i feel i am slowly getting there, and try to make the day worthwhile, as i know Richard would have wanted for me. We were together for 20 years.

I also plead with you to take one step forward at a time in this awfullness that has been thrust at us, but we can see beauty, life and living again. I promise you it is there but we must make the steps small as they are to get there.
It is out there... go find it please.

We are here anytime, keep writing..... please


Nov 03, 2010
Don't let depression consume you
by: Ms Mack

Sounds like you are a stand up, no nonsense type of person who is hard to find these days. You are simply depressed. Everyone here is depressed, some try to go on, like me and others don't give a dam! Evidently you have more courage than you think, are very shy and a beautiful person with a good heart. Do you think you are the only one that lost everything? Absolutely not. It's not time for you to be with your husband. The bigger picture here is that you have a cross to carry for a reason. Be strong, get out there, help a child learn to read, offer your professionalism to someone in need....you are needed. You just must find out who and where. Your sweetheart wants your inner light to glow, not go dim! You are loved more than you know by him even if you don't get your hug, have him to confide in or kiss. His love is with you so go on.... Show him you can do this and keep in touch. We are all feeling your pain and have our love and prayers.

Nov 02, 2010

No expert, no degree, just me thinking that you are trapping yourself in your own mind and it poisons you. I can tell you to get out of your own mind and your own house but if you are set on your own destruction you will not listen to me or anyone else here.

I will tell you that I too have been through every emotion that life has to give. I as many think that I am nuts with the teeter totter of emotions from wow look at that amazing tree to look at that amazing tree alone. Soon the beautiful leaves will drop and it will be desolate and cold as my heart and so forth. I can go there and without my Love here it would be so easy. As easy as jumping into a bottle and numbing the pain.

But I plead, please do not think of your life as something disposable. It is not, and how you look is a mere skin of what you feel on the inside. Have you seen a toothless person smile in sheer joy? they may have all of 6 teeth but their eyes smile and make their wrinkles and wisdom beautiful. What is it you think that we are supposed to look like and feel? If someone has truly loved and lost, I dare them to look spiffy. I have dark circles under my eyes that will be with me for as long as I can open them and welcome or piss away the day.

Yeah, yadda yadda, aren't I the expert? No, I am not, but I can tell you that Life is worth living and you are worthwhile to be in anyones life. Don't shut your self away from it all, it only makes it more damn painful for yourself.

Don't be a coward. I dare you to live the life that you were intended. You, I, us, we were intended to be here. To endure the pain and find the pleasure; it is there now go find it!

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