Feels like I've done it all already
I lost my husband to brain cancer two years ago. I grieved so fully that I had a complete mental collapse. I stayed on medication for 18 months and finally just quit using it, as it seemed pointless. I've done workshops and groups and talked until I'm blue, cried and screamed and cursed heaven, the doctors and everyone who might have had anything to do with his cause of death. I don't feel much better.
I hibernated for the 18 mos after he died. I lost everything, had to move back to the mainland from Hawaii and have no financial cushion. I live on Social security, barely making it. After a life of luxury and excess. I have no friends, am prohibitively shy and don't intend to make any. There is nobody I can talk to anymore, I've run the gamut already and I'm finished.
I rarely leave the place I live for any reason. I do everything online or via the phone if I possibly can. When I must go out, I go late at night when almost nobody is out and about. I don't sleep more than 4 hours in 24 now. I'm so done living that I pray for death, literally. It's too late to start over and I'm unappealing now anyway so nobody would have me.
I would gladly endure a painful terminal illness just to get out of here. I have nothing left to keep going for. No reason to ever hope for any kind of changes. I'm pretty sure I don't actually want any. I just want to stop being here. I am tired, mentally and physically. I am depressed and I realize that, but when I was on a more even keel I still wanted out.
I have no desire to confront the world alone or participate in it at all. I have never been very social and I am not about to begin to be so. I wouldn't off myself, I just wish I'd go to sleep and not have to wake up here again. It's so disappointing to wake and know I'm still alive all the time. I have no ties, nobody to be sad that I'm gone. So I don't have to worry about any of that. He's already gone so my worth as a human is over. I meant nothing to anyone else and didn't want to, don't now either.
I was a Psych grad student headed for a masters so I am fully aware that most would think me mentally ill. I am however only down and depressed and never have been a very bubbly, up person. More matter of fact and down to earth, a realist if you will. No pretense here. I just want my mind to cease functioning.