Finding going to sleep difficult since losing my father.

by Jane
(New Zealand)

I'm a 41 year old mum of 4, happily married and living in New Zealand.

We moved to NZ from the UK 12 years ago and it was really hard leaving my parents behind as I was very close with both of them.

Last January my father pasted away and my husband and I went back to Liverpool for the funeral. We could only stay just over a week as we had work commitments and the children to get back too.

It was all very rushed and since I've been back in NZ I feel very unsettled. It really hit me when I got home as I felt I hadn't really had the chance to grieve due to the flight arrangements and all the running around. Now 4 months later I still find myself stopping and crying when nobody is around, I have trouble getting to sleep and have visions of dad lying in his coffin as well as imagining Im talking to him in my head. I have no motivation and very sad thinking of dad all the time.

I do feel truly lost and also a bit silly. I feel after 4 months I should be getting over his death and find it hard talking to people.

I often talk to people and they ask me how old he was, when I say 81 they reply with "oh well he's had good innings then" why do people say this, he's dead, he's not coming back and his age has nothing to do with it, the pain still hurts. For me it's about the fact he's gone, not how long a life he lived.

I dunno, I feel a mixture of different things and hoping to find some resolve soon :-(

Comments for Finding going to sleep difficult since losing my father.

Click here to add your own comments

May 23, 2012
age has nothing to do with it
by: Anonymous

Dear Jane,

I know exactly how you feel. The age of your Dad is meaningless. I hate when people say such things. Should we grieve less because our Dads were with us for that long? Of course not. If my Dad lived to be 100 I would cry the same tears. So sorry for your loss. My Dad was 80 and died 6 days ago. May they rest in peace.

May 11, 2012
one day at a time
by: marky pars s/ wales

dear jane,
i know how you feel,lost my dad to cancer
in july 2011.theres no time limit for grief
there never was, its learning to adapt to
living without some one who played an important part in your life, who isnt there ,but they are in your heart and soul and mind, iff that makes sense.

your dad will always be around ,im sure ive felt mine. dont worry that you live so far away he is deep in your heart and soul, hes there forever .

and as for crying ,let it out love i do that all the time ,you will feel a whole lot better for doing so,
there will be always some thing there to bring you down to earth with a bang when you least expect it ,
but as my late dad once said , talking about his dad who died when he was 16 ive missed him every day since hes gone wished hed had seen a lot of things ive done ,but ive realised this didnt really matter ,because hes never gone away hes been with me all the way in my heart .

take care ,must go wipe the tears from my eyes,who said we cant have a good cry together,

take care poppet you are going to be ok ,

love marky pars xx

May 03, 2012
Sorry to hear about other loses
by: Jane

Kirsty, so sorry to hear about your dad, I know how you must be feeling.

Having 4 kids does make life hard to be able to find some space to think about things. I know when I got back from the UK it didn't really hit me until things started to settle here and the kids where back at school, and husband back to work. He had only been back at work one day and I was a mess, he ended up coming home. Like you, he has been great support, but I don't really open up to him about how I am feeling as I don't want to go on and on about it all the time. Again like you, I feel as though this is all a bit of a dream and dads still there back in the UK, as I hadn't seen him for a while with living so far away. I also think there's a certain amount of guilt when you don't live close. My brother had to deal with a lot of things for me and it must have been awful for him.

Rob, sorry to hear about your loss too. I really do hope you are ok and have lots of fond memories of your partner.


May 03, 2012
I know how you feel
by: Kirsty

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 6 weeks ago. I am also a mother of 4. I'm finding it hard to find the time to greive for my dad as I'm so busy looking after my children and running our house. My fiancé is trying to be understanding which helps but he has not lost a parent yet.
I'm still finding it hard to believe it's real as I live 2 hours away from my mum n dad. I lived with them for a year 2.5 years ago so I keep thinking he's still sitting in his arm chair he loved so much.
I went to my eldest brother wedding and stayed at mum and dads only 2 weeks ago, so you would think it would have set in. I cried so much at the wedding. Im heading off to Bali next week for my other brothers wedding, I'm dreading going as i'll be there on my own without my beautiful fiancé n kids keeping me busy. I'm worried that I'll spend my time (5 whole days) crying for my dad.
I hope your ok, n that we find a way get through this horrible time.

May 03, 2012
by: Federico Lambea

When someone loose one loved. for the rest of the people, looks easy, Only looking inside them, we can see the true pain.

May 03, 2012
by: Anonymous

Dear Jane,

Having lost my life partner three months ago, I am without a map in trying to navigate this new life. I know very little -- other than there are no rules for grieving. Each person carves a different path. Your father's age does not diminish the pain you feel from losing him.

If you feel like you need to go back to the UK to take time for yourself, then do it. I know there are practical considerations, but give yourself the space and time to grieve. Don't look for closure because there isn't one. We all need to find a new normal.



Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Dads.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!