First anniversary

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First anniversary

by kathyn rippley
(conroe, tx)

July 31 will be the first anniversary of the death of my husband Jim to melanoma. And I find myself feeling much the same way I did when he first died....I'm just so incredibly sad, I don't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything, I'm very angry at times, and I have no appetite...I had been doing some better up until about a week ago. I just don't think I can take much more of this, and they tell me I'm just at the beginning of this journey. Oh, God, sometimes I wish I had gone too, I miss my mom and my husband so much.

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First anniversary

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the fists of many....
by:

Kathy,

I am heading toward the two year mark. It had been a year and a half in June. When I read of people struggling after two years I thought arggg there is no way that I could deal with grief that long. But grief seems to evolve ever so slowly. At first the pain is so incredible that you have a rough time getting through the day. hence the one breath one step at a time motto. But then we they used to grief, and it in itself is hard to let go. We become accustomed to the pain and then finding the "New Normal" was the impossible goal.

Even now I have my moments, my mini meltdowns and still miss My Love so very much. But now I can think of him and smile thinking of all the things we did and how, even through the pain I would not have had it any other way. Not his death of course but our love. If losing him is the price for being able to Love him I know that it was worth it. Knowing him Loving him I would not trade for the world. My word the moral of the story fails me.

I just know that grief evolves and turns into warm memories that mean the world and takes a lot of the sting of grief away even momentarily. I wish you well and all well going through this really rough grief ride. And I promise it never disappears but does get easier to deal with in time, much time that can not be rushed or avoided.
HH

Thank you
by: kathy

I want to thank everyone for your comments. And I totally understand about not wanting to be around married friends, right now I can't even stand to hear people talk about their spouses. And if one more person says "You'll find somebody else" I think I'm going to go postal on them (lol, kinda). I just can hardly stand to be around anyone right now. I'm so glad I can vent and voice my feelings on here without being judged. Thank you and God bless (if there IS a God, I know it sounds horrible, but not so sure anymore)

I understand
by: Jen

Kathryn,

I too lost my 41 year old husband to melanoma just over 2 and a half years ago. It was the most horrific and dreadful journey of illness that ended 3rd time round in his brain.
His death was complete torture of mind and body that could have been experienced.
The loneliness, the anger and all ur feeling are totally normal. I found the flashbacks and illness and suffering stayed and still do with me. All i can say is that we eventually begin when we are ready to change and and go with this uninvited journey. Time does settle things down a bit but know that this site and the people on it are here for u. Without them i would not feel the strength that i feel today and i truly mean that.
I wish u so well and stick around here. We always listen and we always understand.
I send u a warm hug of comfort from Northern Ireland..

Jen

First Anniversay
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

I just passed my 1st Marker because it's no longer an Anniversary to me. That being said I was feeling the dread and despair waiting to see if I would survive that day. Looking back on that day I spoke with my husband's daughter (we live in different states) and she nail it right on the head. We all dread that day, its a reminder of what's been taken from us and that will never have it again. But, she put it into words that I could relate too.
Your emotions are in a turmoil and your soul feels as if its being ripped apart. But....
I found it was the days leading up and was most devastating when I look back. Yes I survived, we all do it ~ it is again "A difficult road we Travel". Give yourself permission to cry and scream that day. No holding back... I found for me that it was almost like a rock had been lifted off me. So I made it... I have faith you will also.
Just don't be so hard on yourself...
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

I Do Understand!
by: Ruth Smith

Hello There Friend,
When I say I understand, I really mean that. You see it's been only three years since I lost my husband (We were the storybook couple) and before the two years was up, I lost my "Only Begot" adult son and the pain is no less now than when it happened. I know that God is carrying me because I do not have the strength on my own. Just sharing our loss is one way to endure the hurt and pain which we're facing each day. May you be comforted knowing that you are not alone in your grief.

Your Mom & Husband
by: geoffrey pyne campbell

You must have had a wonderful husband and Mother to love them so deeply, and you, yourself must be wonderful to have such a deep, intense love. That tells me you have a lot of love and compassion inherently within you, you might use those attributes in their honour to do something compassionate, something noble, something kind each day. Always remind yourself,"I am doing this in my husbands honor, or to honor my Mother." This way something wonderful will come out of their passing, and their passing is temporary. Our life is but a vapor here, but in eternity there will be no more sorrow, no more tears, as it is written. May God bless you, dear friend. Sincerely, Geoffrey in Scranton PA

First anniversary
by: M. Mack

Kathryn,

Believe me this one year thing is a struggle for me too. I feel the same emptiness as a tin can, nothing is the same. I miss the love of my life - he'd call it "the greatest love of all time" and nothing can or ever will replace him. I'm told it will get better and in some ways I have accepted that he's really gone. However, I don't like the new life and every day is a constant reminder. I wonder how do you put the thoughts in a case and lock them up? You cant forget every reminder daily of what we shared, places we've been and the way it used to be. This anniversary has been relentless of all the reminders more than before. We have to make an effort to continue on and find comfort in something. I have been using my work as an outlet, reading and exercising. I know I don't feel social but I do try to make an effort. I guess we will know what works and we should take it one breath, one step, one day at a time.

I Know........
by: Anonymous

Kathryn~
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my wonderful husband almost 8 months ago. I look back on the past 8 months and I don't see much progress. I feel so bad that my friends have reached out to me and I don't want to be around them that much. They still have their husbands and they just don't understand. It hurts me to see them with their spouses. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I wake up each day with the hopes that today will be a better day. I do OK for the first half of the day. Then as the day goes on the darkness settles over my heart and soul. I just miss him so much. I relive that last horrible day in my mind. By 4:00 in the afternoon I'm emotionally exhausted. I just want to sit and be left alone. I know if I'm going to accomplish anything it has to be early in the day. I wake up the next day and start it all over again. It's the same old song and it's draining.
I pray and meditate and that seems to help some. I just don't have a lot of zest for life right now.
We have to keep trying. Our husbands would want us to be happy. They are watching over us. I know I'll see Joe again some day but for now it's a very lonely life.
God bless. Take care. PJ

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First anniversary

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