First Love Died/Grief will not let up.

by Alice
(Alabama)

The first real love of my life died on April 10, 2009. I have not seen him in 30+ years. I have been with my husband for 26 years and I love him so much. But when I found out about Jerry’s death, my heart seems to have shattered in pieces. I cry everyday, I am restless, the memories have washed over me and I feel like I am drowning in them.

We were together for about 7 years, the last couple of years were really bad. The day finally came when we had to walk away from each other because we were destroying ourselves. While I have some really good memories I also have some really bad.

The day we broke up I started pushing this man out of my heart, or so I thought. I would not allow anyone to talk about him, to speak his name. I would not talk to anyone who reminded me of him. I was young, 25, he was ten years older.

Eventually I convinced myself that I was over him, that I could move on. I had come out of a bad marriage with two children to raise (not Jerry) so I started in the direction that would allow me to support them. I started to date other men and ended up in a crazy relationship with a man I thought I loved but eventually found out I did not care at all.

Being an adult child of an alcoholic I had not been really smart when it came to relationships. Then when I was 34 my husband now walked into my office and my life changed completely. We have always been very happy together and I thought I had forgotten Jerry completely.

So now I have the well paying job and the husband and the house and everything I wanted back then that Jerry would not give me.

But every once in a while I would type his name into Google, check his hometown newspaper, just to see if his name would come up. It did a couple of times, enough to remind me why I walked away.

Then on May 9,2009 I typed in his name and his obituary came up. He died the day before my birthday. I was at work and I turned off the computer and tried to continue as if nothing had happened. But by the time I got home I knew I was going to break down. Since that day I have cried every day.

Since I am having some medical problems with my eyes my husband did not question me crying at first. But finally I told him. He had never thought to ask me if I was ever really in love with anyone but him. We are not young, we both have grown children and grandchildren.

What I really don’t understand is why I feel so much pain. I have been so indifferent about him for so many years. I did not think it would hurt, but it does. I cry, I have no interest in anything, I don’t understand. I realize he took a huge piece of my heart with him when he left me and I did not realize it would hurt so bad.

Does anyone have any idea as to why I should be this upset over someone I have not seen in over 30 years that I pushed so deep in my psyche that I would forget him for years at a time. I want to understand.

I did not get to say goodbye, he was gone 6 weeks before I found the obituary. I want all these feelings to go away and let me get back to my life, but it just does not seem to be working for me.

Any advice on this painful subject would be very welcome.