by jr
(hudson ny)

he told me when i asked if it was going to be as bad as I thought once he really was gone( because i was having great difficulty wrapping my head around the concept); "probably worse." and once again ...he was right. Being the smartest man I have ever had the pleasure to truly know and trust...actually the only trustworthy man in my 42 years....he went on to say that the pain of losing him will come and go. I had to watch day after day the strongest man on earth wither in body, mind and spirit and even "draw-up" in death his little legs that we both took for granted as he demanded that we get him up as he lay there 3 years into his nasty and utterly couragous battle with cancer. The man ive never seen buzzed was hallucinating from his morphine and thought his arm was broke as we had to spoon feed him and bring the straw of beverage to his lips. Little did we know the fluids where filling his lungs, not refreshing him. The images of his twisted legs and motionless body and confused look on his face still haunt me 6.5 months later. He still had great clarity from time to time... as sharp as a tack even cracking wicked jokes with that humor i loved. My family has fractured and his four daughters cant stand each other instead of pulling together like he would have wanted and my mom is a woman i feel i barely ever knew. they were married for 50 years last nov. I am so greatful that he was mine and for the long time that we did have together but life is a shadow now and i am worried I will never recover. guilt, sorrow, loneliness and angst fill me and I am a strong woman due to him and I can burst to tears in front of anyone at any time now and I dont care and I dont look at people the same any more at all. I have lost all respect for mankind. i am greatfull that we were able to keep him in the home that he built for us in the mid sixties and that he wasnt put in any home w/ strangers and I am greatful that he was mine and that I had him and I feel like a childish a-hole who is ungrateful. I love you daddy. im sorry for all the grief that I caused you and i miss you! I miss you and your wisdom and insight and critisism and knowledge and stories and opinions. I miss your strength and comfort and consistency and support and endless wonderfullness. I hate not realizing it sooner and i hate myself for not listening to you more. You were ALWAYS right and I see that now. I cant help to imagine wut my life would have been like if I had only listened more instead of making the wrong choices again and again. Thank you for telling me at the end that "everyone should do what they think is right" that helped my conscious a lot and even that hurts me. I am sorry for the selfishness!! I hope with all of my heart that you are somewhere and not gone because I need to hug you and feel the safety of your arms around me again. Hopefully:Until then my leige, Sire and Kompfh. You were the greatest and I mean that with my entire soul. Thanks again for all the love support and constant source of comfort! I will hold you in my heart everything you ever taught me and yes I do remember it ALL. I will march forward with an impish grin and an attitude knowing from where i came from. Thank You. xoxo and a big mwa! If the whole world was against me and I messed up everything I touched I always had you and without you I am weak. I have to do my best to clean up my own messes now and your grandaughters' too but I had the best role model a girl could ask for Thank you.

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