Five years ago, I watched my mother die.

by Jenny
( Kent, UK)

'Give me a moment dear', were my mother's last words. These were spoken in a whisper. We were in an ambulance and she had shown some distress just before we were to go in to the hospice. She never made it. Suddenly, she looked intently at me and her breathing changed. I was standing at the foot of her stretcher bed but swiftly moved to her side. I took her hand and spoke her name. I could see she was dying. 'Mum, mum, I love you.' I then found myself saying: 'Go peacefully mum. Go peacefully.'
She sighed, took her last breath, and died.
It all sounds perfect doesn't it? The idyllic scene, where the dying person is comforted and leaves this world calmly and in peace. I hope she was comforted by my presence. Everyone said how special a moment this was for both of us.

Even after five years, I can recall it vividly and it still has the power to awaken deep pain. I was traumatised for months and no matter how many times people told me that I was 'lucky' to have been with her, and how they wished they'd been with their own mother, I can't forget that awful scene and how I felt as I watched my mother die in front of me knowing that it was final and that I couldn't stop it. She was never going to speak again, and I was never going to see or speak to her for the rest of my life. The sheer terror of her leaving was played out right before me. Never have I felt so alone.
I kissed her and cried over and over, 'Mum, mum'. But she was gone. There was nothing but silence apart from my own weeping.

The two paramedics were discreet and one was openly upset. A sweet quietly spoken Doctor came in and sat with me. Someone put a blanket round my shoulders - apparently I was shivering.

Mum was 85 and had become extremely weak from heart and kidney failure and the end, we all knew, was not far away. But even minutes before her death, she had been joking with us, and I was happy that she was going to be loved and cared for at this beautiful hospice near where we lived.

It was not to be. Five years on, the pain is less and I cope better. But I can never forget that moment we shared together, nor that the last face she saw as she slipped into death was mine. I am a little more reconciled after all this time, but sometimes I envy my sister who missed it all and who, while this tremendous moment was taking place, was out shopping. I carried it around with me like a stone in my heart for months and months and only after two years did the flashbacks cease and the chest pains reduce.
Today, the anniversary of her death, I can talk about it, and better still, write this: I would give anything to talk to her just once more. I miss her so much and always will. Thank you for reading my story.

Comments for Five years ago, I watched my mother die.

Click here to add your own comments

Oct 13, 2014
my Mom died 3 weeks ago
by: kdot

She had COPD and couldn't breathe. Six weeks ago she had some kind of episode and became bedridden. I did everything for her and arranged the home health care and then hospice. After 5 brutal days of no sleep, purple feet and max oxygen, she had her first dose of morphine from hospice. My last words to her were that this could be her first good night sleep. We knew morphine was a game changer but didn't know it would bring her death. Well, she probably knew, but I wouldnt consider it. She woke in the middle of the night, tried to sit up and took the breathing mask off. By the time my brother got to her, she was unconscious. He put the mask back on, tucked her in and called me. I watched her last breaths as we waited for the hospice nurse to arrive. I don't think she knew I was there. I am heartbroken and devastated. I have no life to resume because my existence revolved around her for the last 7 years. I don't know how to live without her. My daughter is at college so I am free to grieve, but the lonliness, sadness and loss is eating me up. I wake up with night terrors believing that I am in the process of dying. I honestly feel like my purpose is over and there is nothing left to do. My birthday is next week and I wish it wasn't. Just want to be left alone. It takes too much energy to fake coping. I'm not coping. Very very sad.

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Sep 10, 2014
by: Becc

My mom was awesome! MY best friend she had crone's disease. My sister and I took care of her until the end. You see they sewed her up with no working bowels so she could say goodbye. I loved my mom miss her everyday had an eight month old who I left to take care of mom. I would do anything to have my mom. It changes you if you have a good one.

Apr 14, 2014
You are very brave.
by: Kent. UK

What a sad thing to happen. And you are so young! At 13, who is taking care of you right now? You will need kind loving adults around to help you through the next years.
My heart goes out to you. It may help you to write about it -- keep a diary and put your private thoughts down.
You sound like a brave survivor - in which case, you will survive this latest trauma, though it will take time.
My very best wishes go to you.

Apr 13, 2014
You not alone
by: Destiny

My mom died four months after my brother was born. I was only one. I was staying with my grandmas when ten years later she died in the car. I was traumatized. I'm only 13. It's been rough

Sep 15, 2013
by: karrie

Last night I had a dream about my mom, she sat by me on the couch and I said I was so sorry for what she had to go through, I was telling her how real it felt that she was there with me, then I asked her what heaven was like, I asked if the sky was always blue and the weather always perfect. She told me that right now it was cold in heaven and the next day she would have to take a snowmobile to get her groceries, which made me laugh, when I woke up in the morning it was the first time I didn't cry upon waking, I wonder if that was really her visiting me in my dream.

Sep 12, 2013
Be glad you were there
by: Jenny UK

We all deal with grief in our own way. Each of us is unique and in these first days you might find everything a little unreal. I sense that your mother's death will hit you hard - but not yet. In the meantime, let the natural anaesthetic of disbelief shield you from the hurt. I am so glad for you that you were there - Your mother didn't die alone and you're right; she sensed your presence and waited for you so that she could leave this world.
My thoughts and sympathy for you are winging their way across the miles.

Sep 12, 2013
I also watched my mom die
by: karrie

It was only 10 days ago, on labor day, she had been dying of breast cancer, it spread to her bones and lungs. We knew it would be any day. After 2 hard weeks of her suffering she finally calmed down on that fri. before, my dad wanted a break and to go for a bike ride so I went out to their house to sit with my mom, he told her I was on the way, by this time she was unresponsive, but still alive. After I got there, my dad left, I went in her room to check on her, I noticed her finger tips were purple, so I knew it wouldn't be long, I called my husband to tell him that she would probably pass by the next day. I went back to peek in on her, she took two strange deep breaths, and was gone. I think she waited for me because I wanted to be there when she passed. I was honored that she waited to take her last breaths after 64 years, with only me there to witness it. I still have a hard time grasping the concept that she's really gone, I find myself having a good day, and then I feel guilty, but I know that she wanted me to be happy, she told me so before she died. I miss her 10 phone calls to me everyday, I miss her laugh. I will never get over this, but hopefully, eventually, I will have more good days than bad.

Aug 31, 2013
You did what was right
by: Jenny, Kent UK

Marianne: First of all, I hope you are feeling a little less raw today. I am so sorry for you right now. The shock does eventually ease but untll then it all seems a little unreal. From what you have said, your relationship with your mother had been difficult, to say the least. That you stayed with her and offered her compassion and love in her final hours, says a lot about you. For what it's worth, I think you are wonderful. Some, given such a history might have turned away but you didn't. You will never regret it. Bless you and may you enjoy your life and find joy in future years, as you most certainly will.
You asked what else could you do: You did what a good and loving daughter would do. Be glad about that.

Aug 29, 2013
I watched my mom die
by: Marianne

I was also with my mom when she died. To see her struggling with her breathing and still trying to talk. I held her hand and told her that everything was going to be ok. She was not well mentally and I had my fair share of violent beatings from her. But what could I do other than be there for an adoptive mother riddled with old age, illness and dementia. Ive never watched a person die before, it seemed like such a struggle. Well I remained faithfull to her until the end. She was not a joy to be with but she was my mom. What else could I have done.

Jun 29, 2013
For Aaron who wrote yesterday 28th June.
by: Jenny, Kent UK

Thank you for your response to my old posting. When I say I know how you must be feeling, be assured that I do. My message of hope to you is this: It will get better. It has to. We are not designed to carry the weight of this acute grief for ever.
Somehow, life, with all its troubles, events, and yes, even joys, will insert themselves into the days and weeks and you will find that as you turn your attention to them, that old adage - life must go on - will be a reality.
Keep strong, yet allow yourself to sink when it's all too much. I promise you that you will surface from this eventually, all the stronger. Your mother would want that for you, just as she recovered from her own losses and her parents hoped for her happiness. That's how it is.
Good luck Aaron.

Jun 28, 2013
I just went through the same thing
by: Aaron

I came across your posting while doing some google searches on coping with grief, which I am not doing such a great job of right now. My mother died 4 months ago from cancer. She was in her home, surrounded by family and I held her hand while she drew her last breath. It was profoundly traumatising and painful, so much so, I still have not been able to process it. I'm sure some day I will be able to recall it through a different lens, but right now it ranks as the most horrible moment in my life. Reading your story really brought me to my knees. In a positive way, if that makes any sense. It did me some good to see my own situation in your words.

Jun 11, 2013
For Anonymous - 2 years ago...etc June 10th
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I'm the lady who wrote about the death of my own mum: 'Five years ago, I watched my mother die.' I'm Jenny by the way.
I felt very sad for you, and just wanted to say I'm certain your presence was an enormous comfort to your mother as she took her last breath. She would have felt your warm hands holding hers and she would have heard you say those words as she left this world. We daughters (and sons) who were there at the end, have that to console us. Our last act of love for our mothers, as it were.
It's two years for you and now six for me. My own trauma has lessened of course, but the memory never leaves you.
My very best wishes and thoughts go to you.... I know you miss her deeply. I still miss my mum.

Jun 10, 2013
2 years ago tomorrow
by: Anonymous

My Mom dies 2 years ago tomorrow. She was in comfort care and I,my husband and her dear friend walked into her room and saw her leaning to one side and struggling to breath. Her hands and lower arms were already blue. She was still conscious and I grabbed her hand and she gave a tiny nod that she knew we were there. Within a few moments twice her eyes rolled back and her breathing became worse.
She had stated in her living will not to be resuscitated,so as she slowly faded away all I did was hold her and say Mommy I love you. over and over.Within twenty minutes of us arriving she was gone. It was almost as she had waited to see us one more time since we came every day at that time My father had passed away 15 years before alone in a hospital and I felt so awful that he was alone.
I still can see those last minutes of my Mom's life and it is so painful. Time has lessen those feelings but it still hurts so much but I am so gratefull to be with her at her last moments just as she was there at my first.

Jun 02, 2013
Two days before mothers day....
by: Ron

My mother first became ill in 2002 when diabetes There are three of us but it was always just me to care for my mother physically financially mentally.She suffered a stroke but made a remarkable recovery.Then heart failure kidney failure. I took her to do the things she liked. bingo the casino JC Penny and her favorite place to eat Applebees. I did this because it made her smile and took her mind off of her situation. My siblings NEVER helped me NOT once. How can you not be there for someone who loved you unconditionally. Over the next 11 years her health declined but I was there no matter what. And as she began to draw her last breath I read to her psalm 23. She did not speak for the last 2 weeks but should could hear you. Her last words after I read psalm 23 was a whisper.she said thank you dont cry you know I love you She was gone shortly after that and I still feel that lump in my throat the one you feel right before you cry.I just wanted to thank Jenny and so many others for their stories it does help. Prior to my mothers passing I wrote a letter to my brother and sister 2 months before she had become gravely ill. To this day I have never received a response from either of them.I will share it with you.
You'll never know
You will never know the feeling of watching your mothers health start to fade
You will never know what it was like to see her cry in frustration as she tries to come to terms with that.You will never know what its like to know she cannot climb the stairs she once mastered without a thought.You will never know what is is like to have to pay all of her bills because all of them were returned because they looked like a 3 year old had written them You will never know what its like to have someone doubt their trust in you because they do not remember who you are.
You will never know what its like to cook for and hand feed your mother.You will never know what it is like to have to constantly clean up after your mother because she cannot get to the bathroom.
You will never know what it was like to sit in the E.R. with someone who does not know who she is, where she is or who you are.
You will never know what is was like to re-introduce yourself.You will never utter the words,hello,Im your son Ron You will never sit alone and wonder if you made the right call when an amputation was recommended.You will never know what its means to finally take a vacation only to learn that she has become critically ill and there is nobody to lend a hand.You will never know what it is like to sit and hold her hand while she undergoes painful procedures and begs for them to stop.You will never know what its like to try to teach someone to walk again
You will never have to shake the thought of seeing exposed bones and wounds that will never heal.You will never know how much she cares for you and your well being because you'll never check in on your

May the healing continue for all who lost a loved one

May 12, 2013
We can gain strrength from the ordinary.
by: Jenny, UK

I woke up this Sunday morning, and wondering what the weather would be like (this is England remember) I found myself standing at the window watching a man put some fishing gear into his car before he drove off for the day.
Nothing extraordinary about that you might be thinking.... what's she getting at? Well, my next move was to log on to my pc. I had been waiting for a reply from a friend about some plans we were making, but instead of her email, there was a notification about some responses to my story 'Five years ago I watched my mother die'.
I read them all and found myself in tears as I read about each writer's loss. The tears just flowed unchecked, and my husband noticed. He asked me if anything was wrong so I showed him. He said to pass on his sympathy to you all. And now I have.
Back to the man going fishing: A year ago his wife died after a short illness. He has come through this first year and who knows how? His two adult daughters who lost their beloved mother visit regularly. I remember them on the day of her funeral, and how deeply I felt for their pain and grief. Both sobbed, and the younger daughter was utterly inconsolable; she could barely stand. It was so awful and I felt powerless to help them.
Yet,here we are a year on and things have changed. This man is off fishing for the day -- something he always loved to do. He smiles less, and he is clearly still struggling, but he goes on with activities that bring him some peace. His girls seem to be better than they were and they can say hello again without breaking into tears. One has a new baby now and she showed him to me recently. She was brimming over with pride, but also sadness that her lovely mum would never see her grandson. I just briefly squeezed her hand. There was nothing either of us could say.
The point of this ordinary story is this:
Little by little, as we move through each day month and year, and what sustains us is the small steps we make. The people I wrote about have suffered a deep loss, yet they have survived a year so far. They will be strengthened by the next. As I finish this letter, I think of that man as he sits on the river bank and does something that has always nurtured him but which now brings him solace. He is doing the right thing. His daughter as she feeds and changes her baby this morning, will be doing the same. In finding these little bright spots of light in our day to day lives, we help ourselves to heal. May all of you out there find some peace today by doing the same.
Thank you for your responses. You are in my thoughts. I shall be lighting a candle for you tomorrow, and a special one for my dearest and best friend who died last year too, and whose birthday is May 13th.
But that is another story altogether.

May 11, 2013
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your story. My mom died two months ago from liver failure. My younger sister and I were holding her hands as took her last breath. Im 27 and my sister is 20. Every night when I close my eyes all I see is her dying. It's nice to know it gets a little easier.

Feb 10, 2013
response to Tina
by: BrooklynGirl

Thank you so much I appreciate the advice. I'm doing my best and I hope you are too. It's an ongoing situation with all of us. The pain never really ends. We just find a way to put it to the side (if you will) so we can still deal with our own lives. We have to be strong for our children other family members but mostly, ourselves. So again thank you and I hope all is well for you and yours. God bless.

Feb 07, 2013
Brooklyn girl
by: Tina

I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriends mother. Next week will be the 1 year anniversary of my moms passing. The grief has been overwhelming to me as she was my best friend. I first found this site just 3 weeks after she passed and it helped me to know that my feelings were normal. There were days that I thought I was completely going crazy. It helped me to hear everyone's stories and to have someone to talk to that could understand the pain I was feeling. I would suggest that your family take one day at a time and do what ever it is that seems to help. Stay strong and be there for each other. It's a long and sometimes very difficult journey.

Feb 07, 2013
made me cry
by: linda h

I just read your story about your mother dying five yrs ago and how and what you felt,did and saw.It brought back to me the day my mother died almost two yrs ago.It is the worst thing I had gone through in my life so far.I know nothing else that may happen to me in my life time would be as bad as the day she left! She died of renal failure,she battled it for four yrs until her death. Im so sorry for the loss of your mother and im also glad that your pain has lessened over the yrs,I still have a ways to go...prayers for you

Feb 06, 2013
Missing Her so much
by: BrooklynGirl

All these comments are so heartfelt. Just 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend walked in on his mother lying in her bed, gone. He had just taken me to work that morning, went to get some food and came home to see that. He called me screaming and I just lost it! It hasnt been the same since. I wish I could do or say something to make things better. When he came home the water was running in the bathroom so inturn, he cannot stand to hear running bath water. Sometimes he just daydreams or cries out of the blue. I am doing the best I can as his companion. I myself miss her so much that it bothers me sometime. When I scroll past her name in my phone or when I just want to hear her voice or see her face. Any help to assist me in getting us through this would be greatly appreciated..


Nov 05, 2012
Responding to Scott and to Anonymous (below)
by: Jenny, UK

It seems that my story evokes many memories for others. I would add that it's a few months since I first wrote about my feelings, and just as we all are told, time in the end, begins to heal us. In truth, it's the frenetic pace of life in recent months as other family events have taken over that has allowed me to have some time off from the deep and persistent sadness that has dogged me since mum died five years ago. I have scarcely had time to think, and that has helepd. And yet the other day I found myself shedding tears as I drove my beloved grand-children back to their parents after spending a day with me. Luckily they were snoozing and didn't know anything about it. By the time I reached my son's house, I had recovered. However, I do find myself hiding my feelings from my children. I find it very difficult to share my sorrow, and my siblings are not receptive. Therein lies the lonliness.
I think as humans, we're all essentially alone and must face these huge life events as ourselves. It's ours to live with and learn from. I'm lucky in having dear friends and it is they rather than family who have truly 'been there' for me, and have been a comfort. Even so, they can't help with incidents such as the one I described as I drove home with rivers of tears pouring down my face as once again I missed and needed my mum. My very best wishes to everyone who has responded and shared their own experiences. May you find peace and comfort.

Nov 05, 2012
So many feelings...
by: Scott

My mother died from lung cancer in june. I have always feared losing my parents since I was a child. Thinking how will deal with this when the time comes. Anyway.. I was there with my mother for the last three days, helping with her, just trying to make her as comfortable as possible during this time. She was like a baby at this time, really could do nothing on her own. I would moisten her mouth with water,adjust her pillow, just be there for her. I don't regret
My decision to be with her when she passed but seeing your mother take her last breath is the most difficult thing you can ever witness. But I do not regret being there at all. I probably wouldn't forgive myself if I weren't there for her. My wife is a nurse and has worked in nursing homes and she has seen death on a weekly if not daily basis. Most people in this field have developed a clinical approach to dealing with death. But when its you standing there watching your mother take here last breath.. there's nothing clinical about this. Your thinking about how your mother has always been there for you since you were a baby..and now she is gone. Its not a patient in your workplace that you are payed to care for, its your mother that has loved and cared for you your entire life.

Oct 23, 2012
To Dear Friend Anonymous
by: Tina

Thank youfor your comments! I am so sorry for your pain. I understand how you feel. Like your mom, my mom was young, only 60 when she passed. I feel there were so many things she didnt get to do, one of was watch her grandchildren grow up. just this weekend marked 8 months she has been gone and I still pick up the phone to call her. Although I have a wonderful husband and children I too feel as though every day just speeds by while I stand still. Everyone tells me it will get easier but I have never felt so empty and lonely. She was my bestfriend. I hope that taking care of her grandchildren gives you some comfort as it does me!

Oct 23, 2012
My mother passed while I was at her bedside
by: Dear friend Anonymous

My dear friend

I feel your pain very much so. Almost one year from now my mother passed away from stage 4 bile duct cancer. From her diagnosis to death was only 3 months. We quickly saw her passing slowly only one morning as my brothers and I got up for our morning prayer did we realize our mother was rapidly breathing with no response at the hospice. I sat by her bed side while the three of us comforted her and rubbed her feet. I knew this was the end coming for her. Tears flowing and heart shaking fast for me. My mother was my best friend she was 62 at the time of her passing she was the life of the family and not a night goes by my dear friend that my heart falls at night thinking about her last breath. Her last words to me the night before was she loved me and to take care of her grandchildren. Oh I miss her so deeply and reading your article brought tears but I know that my mother is at peace and no longer in the pain she was in. I still feel weak at times and lost at others almost like life is speeding and nothing is moving forward. It's a trip but were all going to one day follow this same path.

Take care dear friend

Jun 11, 2012
My cousins story...
by: Anonymous

My cousin recently lost his mother and father yesterday, in a car crash,hes only 13. he held his mother while she died, crying , and telling her to not leave him, to stay with him. nd suddenly he felt her heart stop.... next to her was his dad, who had a hole in his head from the crash, my cousin put his hand over the hole because something was coming out of it (most likely his brain) . please pray for him, as he is only 13, and has become orphaned, worst of all, he watched both his parents die.

Apr 30, 2012
I know how you feel!
by: Ilana

My mother died of ovarian cancer two years ago this coming Wednesday. She died five months from the day she was diagnosed and was only 68. She had no symptoms other than a stomachache. It wasn't until she got dehydrated and in the hospital where she got her diagnosis. She was in and out of the hospital. One minute she was in her hosptial room recovering from her third and final chemo and that night she turned blue and was rushed down to ICU. Five days later she was gone. She never regained consciousness. My brother and father wanted to be there when she died, but I couldn't do it. I kissed her goodbye and went home. I never regretted not seeing her die because in my mind, she was already gone. The machines were doing all of the work and the doctor gave us no hope of her waking up. I wish she had the chance to go to hospice because I couldn't stand watching her get poked and prodded in the hospital. Thanks for sharing your story!

Mar 19, 2012
Tears are healthy
by: JennyUk

Dear Janet,
Thank you for your response and for the kind things you said about me, a stranger. By the way, you Can write like me you know; you just did. By writing my story, I didn't want anyone to feel sad, either for me, or for themselves, but I suppose I did realise that what I was saying would trigger memories in others. That's what this forum is for after all.

You know, I think it's good to cry. We all try to be brave and carry on because life and other considerations dictate that we must. So every now and again, when we can have a moment of privacy (and I'm glad you turned your mobile (cell) off - we should do it more), let the tears fall. I bet you felt better afterwards Janet. It's a release and it's good for you. It's a lovely thought to think of our mothers together 'up there' chatting away and no doubt tut tutting about our misdemeanors when we were young. Hold that thought.
Best wishes.

Mar 19, 2012
I cried
by: Janet Synmonds

I just happen to come across your beautiful story.
The tears started to come..I had to shut my cell off...I tried again to read it hurts so bad!
I just cried n cried it hurts so bad as if it was just yesterday for me and my mom.
You have so much courage and I wish I could write the way you did about your precious moment.
You are a beautiful daughter and I thank you!

I don't know who you are, but I know our mom's are together with God.
Thank you

Mar 16, 2012
Time is our best friend.
by: JennyUk

To 'Lost' to 'Roops, and to 'Anonymous', I'm just back from babysitting my grandchildren while their parents went to a Quiz night at the school. It's late here - half-past midnight - but I shall try to respond because you have been so kind in responding to me.

These first anniversaries are extremely painful and quite honestly, I don't think there are any rules about how you 'should' handle them. Your birthday will funnily enough, be more painful than your mother's in some ways. I think this is because you will miss that card so much. It underlines the fact that you will never see her handwriting addressed to you again. What I did was keep the previous year's card and put it out with the new ones. OK, a little crazy, but as I said, there are no rules. It helped. Not much, but it helped. Ditto the Christmas card. I also bought her a birthday card and wrote a message for her. I took it to her grave with some flowers. I took it home and kept it in my bedside. It helped. Now, five years later, I don't need to do it anymore. That's the way it goes. Time is our greatest friend. But, you cannot force the pace... The bad news is you have to just go through it and summon up all you have to help you. But - the majority of us do come out the other side. We're different, sure, but we're still here!!! And so it will be with you.

That pain you write about will go. In the early days, I would sometimes lie in bed curled up in a ball and cry (like you) for an hour or so, and sometimes most of the day, until I was able to face things. But that's ok. I think you have to just go with it until exhaustion claims you. Either that, or the phone starts ringing or the doorbell propels you out of bed and forces you to shake yourself out of it. I'm not saying you have to answer the phone or door - but I do know you will be able to as time goes by.
Whatever you feel, it's allowed. Thus, to Roots who asked 'what can I do?', I say: do what ever helps.
My husband lost his mother five days after mine. We were seen as a grieving couple and people were gentle with us. We went on walks even though we were so sad. I would put one foot in front of the other, taking no interest in the beautiful countryside - but moving like a robot. I didn't feel any benefit at the time, but the hills and the sea and the fresh air was healing me without my knowing it.
When you can, try it. Find a friend who will walk with you if you don't have a partner.

Finally, try to take comfort from knowing that you are absolutely not alone. You WILL recover and in future years, you will then understand the pain of someone else coming behind you who has it all ahead of her.
I just remembered something else: There are no 'shoulds' or 'oughts' here. No telling yourself you must 'pull yourself together' or other such nonsense. And never never put a time limit on this. It takes as long as it takes.
I have become stronger by writing to you.
Look again at the title of this letter if you don't believe me.

Mar 16, 2012
Need help.
by: Roops

I too saw my mom go. The way she d been breathing the last two days was horrible.I can't get the sound out of my head. N then she just went infront of my eyes. Me n my dad were holding each other. While my moms Sis n her daughter were rubbing mamas hands n feet. N the nurse was pressing her's going to b 11 months soon. But I m going mad. Was hoping slowly these memories will leave me n I ll b able to miss her but without thinking of her like that. But v v often I get panic attacks n those last few days come infront of my most precious part of me went infront of me. I feel so empty inside. It's Like my heart has been plucked out. The pain is too much to bear. I ll b v v grateful if anyone can tell me what to do.

Mar 15, 2012
losing mum and dad so close and so suddenly
by: Anonymous

i lost my mum suddenly on the 8th november 2010 in front of my eyes then 14months later my dad dad the same so suddenley of a broken heart dont know how to cope

Mar 15, 2012
23 days ago
by: Anonymous

I know that my emotion is still very raw as she has only been gone for 23 days amd right now I cant think beyond the moment I am in. Although we to had hospice, she was at home and the last three weeks were the worst thing I have ever experienced. She to had the death rattle the last two days, I will never forget that sound. There is nothing like watching your loved one die. I am glad that I am not the only one who feels this way and although if i had to do it again, I WOULD! I just dont know if I would want my children to have something like this as there last memory of me.

Mar 15, 2012
by: Lost

Thank you for your supportive words. So few people seem to understand this pain unless they have had to experience it. Today was one of my worst days and I can't really totally explain why. Possibly because next week will be my first birthday without her. She made such a big deal about it.....big extended family meal, cake presents......I am 46 but it brought her such joy to do this for me as I am an only child. Last year even though she was so sick my cousin and his wife did all the prep work as she could not do it knowing how happy it made her. This year I have pleaded with my family to just let me be on my birthday I don't want a cake, a fancy dinner, phone calls......Her one year anniversary is in three weeks how am i going to get through that. On top of that I have a conditional offer on our house which i decided to sell as the memories of living in that house with my parents and all that happiness is also doing me in. A year ago I was dealing with her getting sicker each day and now she is gone and my plate is spilling over with emotions, decisions......I just miss her so much I would give the world to see her again even for a minute. I visit her grave at least twice a day but don't share that with my extended family because they do not think that is healthy. What is healthy is my question? What is normal? A year has almost gone by and I am not better. I thank I don't know who that I was with her during her horrible and painful death at least she held my hand and knew I was with her. I was so strong during that time. Now I am a bursting valcano of tears I did not think it was possible to miss someone this much or have this much pain.

Mar 15, 2012
I understand
by: Anonymous

I lost my mother and best friend 23 days ago although I watched her take her last breath it still doesnt seem real yet. My mom had COPD for 16 years and suffered for a long time, I always wanted to be by her side but watching her take her last breath is the only thing I see when I close my eyes. It is something that keeps me up all night and gives me panic attacks all day. I dont know how to deal with the pain.

Mar 15, 2012
Take comfort
by: JennyUk

Thank you for responding to my story. It makes me feel less isolated. Your loss took place five months ago, while mine was five years. For you it will still be very raw so I do feel for you. Nothing I can say will console you, but I can promise that in time, eventually, as this year passes, and the next and you are forced to deal with living in the present, you will feel better than you do now. It just happens because we're not meant to live out our lives in a state of searingly painful grief. Somehow, the human spirit won't let us. Do hang on to this.

The death of a loved one changes us all, but a mother is a huge loss, no matter how old you are. You lose your greatest fan, and you know that no-one in the world will ever love you so unconditionally. But, what can you do? It's the price we pay as soon as we're born. It's the natural order of life and it forces us to grow up.
Doesn't make the loss any bearable though does it?

Mar 14, 2012
Five months ago,my mother died
by: Anonymous

I read your story and cried so hard,as I lost my mother 5 months ago,to kidney failure.We too,knew it wouldnt be long before she passed away,but that doesnt make it any easier.A week before she died,she was in the hospital and we were told then to say our goodbyes.So we did.She came home afew days later but was only with us for another week.She was in the hospital and put into a hospice room.My middle sister and older brother were at her side for three days.She died on a Monday morning and I havent been the same since..never will be. She was my best friend and I love her more than she would know.My brother told me it was the most horrible thing to watch our mother slowly pass away..

Mar 13, 2012
Painful memories
by: Anonymous

My story clearly awoke the same memories in you. My mother's death came quickly while yours seems to have suffered for longer. But I agree with you: no matter how it happens, the experience never leaves you. It must have taken a severe toll on your mental and physical health by the way to have watched this slow and painful death over so many days.
What you did was heroic and shows how much you loved her.
We can both at least say to ourselves that our mothers did not die alone, even if as the watchers, it caused us both excrutiating pain. Maybe when our time comes, we will have someone we love close by. How hard all this is.
Good luck to you anyway.

Mar 13, 2012
that scene never leaves you
by: Lost

My mother died holding my hand after suffering the pains of hell as she died of ovarian cancer. I never left her side (literally for 13 days that she was in the hospital) as i did not want her to die without seeing me. She had the DEATH RATTLE for 72 hours before she died. Watchinh your mother die is the worse thing one has to experience. Yes we were lucky to be with them but unless u have watched it happen to you people have no idea at all how terrible it is

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!