Five years later

(Raleigh, NC USA)

Sometimes God gives you the one and only true life partner and it is the most wonderful and fulfilling relationship you can have. You are truly ONE entity. Then for whatever reason one of the partners is taken away leaving the other to find meaning and reason to continue.

Here I am this week at the five year mark missing my wife as much as five years ago. The long period of depression and loneliness can be much longer that the eight months mentioned on this web sight. I guess it is a refusal to reopen my heart and move forward. The pain seems as great now as it did then. I still miss the sound of her voice, doing things or doing nothing with her. The feeling of being whole.

My sadness is deep and I must put on a good face every morning and go to work because no one wants to be around a depressed person. I keep praying that God will give me direction or take me home but just like fishing......I keep waiting. Five years is a long time...when will my grief end?

Comments for Five years later

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May 28, 2014
Almost 2 1/2 years
by: Chris

My husband died suddenly during a routine dental surgery in Jan 2012. He was 48. We were together 25 years. I was devastated.

The first year was spent in shock and denial.
The second year was just denial.
the third year I started to feel a little more like myself. A little less "married" and I removed my rings.

Turning 50 later this year, along with everyone else I went to school with. I remembered an old boyfriend's bday was coming up and thought what the heck? Lets see if I can actually "feel" anything again, as I felt so dead inside for so long. I messaged him and we got together and you could have knocked me over but there were a lot of feelings there. We went to the same church and grew up together. He was my first kiss, first boyfriend, first love. We dated on and off until the summer I met my husband.

He said he had thought of me often over the last 30 years. He felt horrible when my husband died and wanted to contact me but didn't know if that was appropriate.

We have been together every day for almost 7 weeks but it feels like 7 years. We are very much in love and while it can be very confusing on how you can be in love with 2 people, I am very happy.

Never thought I'd be in this position. But don't give up hope that happiness can come into your life again.

May 25, 2014
(Raleigh, NC USA)
by: John.

When somebody loves their wife as much as you did ,it has to be so hard to move on . 5 years is a long time, which goes to prove that there is no time frame for grief . I believe grief is right there in front of you every day like a cocked pistol waiting for you to trigger it. There will always be a memory of sorts to pull that trigger.You can be having a good productive day and everything seems good but then you see her picture or see her name or some other momento of her and whammo the pistol goes off again.I believe and I sincerely hope that for me those memories will ease into just a smile and a simple thought and not the dreaded anxiety that grief brings with it.It has only been just over a month since my wife died and I have tried to figure out the grief process and what effect it is having.I will never get over the loss of my wife but I truly believe that I will be able to push it off to the side, to the area of fond memories. Day by day the pistol will become uncocked and eventually it will melt away. How long that will take remains a mystery. Each morning I awaken and the first thing that hits me is that shes not beside me shes not there BANG off goes the pistol. One of these days I will awaken and get on with things and the pistol will not fire.My heart goes out to you Raleigh it really does . WE are all different and we grieve differently .I truly hope you can find some kind of closure . I believe a very close friend who will listen to you with a sympathetic open mind could help you. 5 years is a long time my friend its got to hurt. Good luck and god bless you . John.

May 24, 2014
What a journey this life is.....
by: June

Hi Doreen,
Thank you for your comments. What a wonderful lady you must be. Your helpful suggestions to everyone on this site is so encouraging.
I wish I had your faith, it would make it easier. I do believe Mike and I will be together again, so that is a sort of faith I have.

My heart goes out to everyone trying to come to terms with a loss in their life.

Thank you again Doreen. I wish you were my neighbour!
♥ June

May 23, 2014
"What a life this is turning out to be."
by: Doreen UK

Hi June,
I felt the depth of your post and how you felt. "What a life this is turning out to be". You do as much as you can to make your day better, but still feel the same grief. Perhaps this may go on for many more years and we may not be able to alter our life much. Whilst we wait on the Good Lord to Heal us. This is what we need. HEALING deep within where it hurts deep within our soul. Some or many of us may be able to alter our lives a bit, or not at all. This may be as far as we can go in how we change our future. Because we can't get back what we lost. We lost our fulfilment in life, our sense of contentment. A part of our sense of identity in who we were as people from being ONE with the love of our lives. This is going to take a strong measure of healing from God before we can become happier as people, and able to say we have a future. However this may unfold.
For you it has been 2yrs.3months. For me 2yrs. Today: MY HEART HURTS. Thank you for your post and how you expressed this as it made me feel less alone with my sorrow. Best wishes.

May 23, 2014
Five years later
by: Doreen UK

Don't be hard on yourself. You have lost your spouse and there no deeper pain in the soul than this!. God created woman for man and when man loses his mate it is to God he should go for the Father God to comfort and strengthen you and hold you in his heart.
5yrs. could easily be 10yrs. or more. emotions are very complex and we don't willingly put ourselves in a state of depression or loneliness. You didn't do this to yourself. DEATH DID.! Which is why God is going to come back to this earth to rescue all of us who accept and believe in him. So that God can destroy death forever. The UNBEARABLE, CRUSHING pain of GRIEF is so hard to bear. I don't think you are closing yourself off to moving forward from grief as much as to say you are finding it hard to move forward. SO AM I. I lost my husband 2yrs. ago to a deadly cancer. I feel his pain still as I nursed him in severe cancer pain. I don't know if any of us will be done with grief. WE just need to be Healed from the Raw Pain of grief in how it assaults our body and mind.
You are fortunate to still be able to go to work. This is such a good diversion and healing in itself. BUT. Saying this, it must be very hard to have to wear a mask. Showing every one you are O.K. whilst secretly dying inside and can tell no one. The reason you are feeling so bad is because your feelings and emotions have been locked up with no outlet. You need to find a way of expressing how you feel to another human being. e.g. a grief counsellor. You can be helped to move forward and find value in your life. We can PRAY and talk to God till the cows come home, but in REALITY. We can't survive well in isolation. YOU and ME, and MANY OTHER'S. are ISOLATED and VERY LONELY and this is what we have to change in our world in order to feel human/normal again. God put people in our lives because He knew we needed each other. We were created for this purpose. To multiply and replenish the earth. You have taken the first step writing here. Next step for both of us is to do something about it. I do know that when I GET OUT OF THE HOUSE I do feel better. But I have no one to go out with because everyone is busy or has commitments. I was happiest when I was doing voluntary work. I am riddled with arthritis so can't move well. This holds me back. I will have to explore other ways of nurturing myself back into life. Write back and let me know what you have discovered that you can do to find your way back into life. May God comfort You, and send people your way to lighten your day and help you find your way back into life. Best wishes.

May 22, 2014
five yrs later
by: silver

For me it is 3 yrs next week. Today we would have been married for 36 yrs(May 22nd).I also believe you have one soul mate in life and some of us are blessed enough to find that person.We may love many people in our lives but only one holds our heart forever.I still have almost all of my husbands things(minus what I have given to our sons).I know they are material things but they hold memories of him.I have his pic on my phone,my pc,& in my purse I think about him every time someone on a TV show mentions loving their spouse. I still can't watch his favorite shows.I am beginning to move on.I don't cry as much or as hard.I am beginning to get out of the house more.I don't think our grief ever ends.It just gets easier to handle over time.I'll keep you in my prayers.May GOD send you strength and peace.

May 21, 2014
Five Years Later
by: June

I so feel your pain.

As time goes on it seems to be getting worse for me. My husband, Mike has been gone for 2 years and 3 months. I really don't know how I have survived without him. We were together for 42 years. My hope is we will be together again. I don't like this life without him, but somehow keep on going. I get out with a few different friends twice a week and that does help, but still come home to a house without Mike. My dog and cat are a great comfort to me. This web site with the caring words and advice is also a great help.

What a journey this life is turning out to be.

My thoughts are with everyone going through this difficult time in life.

May 21, 2014
such grief
by: Lawrence

I don’t think our grief will ever end and we will ever be whole again..
When my beloved wife died I wrote a poem, the last few lines are

But now you’ve gone, we’re still a pair
A pair, just minus one.

She is still my precious wife and I feel her by my side always.
A national newspaper is doing a series about near death experiences and premonitions and requested people to write in with their own.
I sent them this.

“We had been together for nearly seventy years.
One day she came up to me, cupped my face in her hands, kissed me and said gently "Thank you for marrying me and making me so happy"
I asked her if she felt ill but she said she was fine.
Two days later she died in an instant, one minute talking, and the next dying.
She knew she was going to die,
I miss her incredibly.
Its seventeen months since she died and the pain, although less than it was, is always there, I don’t expect it to ever go.
Thank God for giving you such love, as I do every day, we are so lucky to have experienced it.
Take care

May 21, 2014
Almost four..but whose Counting
by: Anonymous

Dear Sir in Raleigh, NC, it seems that you are not depressed but still grieving. It is a deep sadness we feel and nothing can shake it. Yes, momentarily , it goes when we talk with someone or are out to eat but when we get back to our homes we are faced with the too real knowledge that we are alone. We didn't want it .It's been almost 4 years for me and It seems I miss him more. The reason being is that when I go out and hope to meet someone to share a little time with and laugh they just don't come forward and I don't push. The answer is to try and find someone to share life with be it for an hour or a few minutes. We can, without our knowing, isolate ourselves in a lot of ways. We are so into our loneliness that we fail to see signals from others that may make a difference in our lives.

The most awful part is missing the "US" we used to be. I Pray you will find another to share some time with.

We have to be open to meet another if only for a while, If that is what we want.

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