Five Years since I lost my Nanny

by RobM

I'm a 15 year old male.. I'm a performer. I've been in west end shows and toured the country performing in musicals and such. when i was younger i used to do shows for my parents and grandparents. five years ago today my nanny passed away. I never really grieved for her till recently. she was my life and soul. she wasn't too wise, she was just simply lovely and kind and warm. i know most people say these things at a eulogy but this is so true. its no exaggeration. i cant stop watching old home videos of her and me when i was a baby etc. i just wish she'd have seen me do what i do right now. i feel like she's missed so much and she was always proud of me when i sang a song to her. she'd cry if i sang twinkle twinkle for gods sake haaha :') recently i accidentally taped over a video of her and i feel so lost and guilty. I feel like my hearts even emptier now i've done that. i only rely on memories of my nan and now one of them is missing forever. i lost her when i was ten so i didn't really understand i was losing her when it was happening. i was at that stage when i presumed if someone was ill they would always get better. i didn't understand when she'd gone. i remember going to a theme park on her funeral because my mum and dad didn't want me to understand the reality of things. but i remember visiting my grandad the day after she'd passed and he just hugged me so hard. i've never seen someone so upset. my grandad has made friends with another lady. he's insistent theyre friends and i believe him - i'm just so scared that my nan will be replaced. i miss her so much. it's not just the idea of losing my nan, it's losing my childhood. i find myself being overly nostalgic and i feel just completely lost without the past, wishing i had never grown up, wishing i had been old enough to appreciate my wonderful nan. I am also so angry in a way. i am the youngest out of my family. the baby, so to speak. my cousins are a good ten-fifteen years older than i am, so i just feel so angry that they had my nan so much longer than i did. i'm also afraid of what will happen to the rest of my relatives, my grandma in particular. she's just like my nan. I couldn't have wished for better grandparents. for some reason i feel a very special connection to my grandparents and after losing my nan i am ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of losing my grandma (she's 87 - she's fit for her age but i'm scared that that may change) I just feel so lost.

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