Florida update from Judy
Hi Hope and my others friends at this site.
Hope asked my to let her know how I was doing and how I did it since I now see some light in this grief tunnel.
I am doing quite well, I have fully recovered from the illness at the end of last year and even the afib business is under control although it is something I will have to live with apparently. I also had a recent loss in the sudden death of my dog, the infamous Great Dane Sammy. It was a sad day but next to losing my beloved Bear it was easier to handle.
How am I getting better? I've become a bit selfish and put myself first. I have left all of the places that Bear and I frequented together, church etc. I have tossed out all the cd's we listed to on our many trips and bought new ones and I intend to get more since music is a pleasure for me. On the weekends I watch reality shows and movies that he never would have watched. I have redone many parts of the house to a more feminine style in colors that are more me. This is a fairly inexpensive way to make a big change with new comforters, bedside rugs etc. My current project is to redo the kitchen from palm trees to cobalt blue accessories and redesign where everything is stored since Barry cooked most of the time and I can't find anything in there.
I am trying to keep a positive attitude about the future. Barry always said life is an adventure and I'm trying to remember that as I attempt to figure my own future out.
This is not to say that everything is hunky-dory. I still get very lonesome, especially on weekends. I've started to scroll around the on-line dating sites but there's something wrong with every one of them-not ready yet I guess. I am engaged in a tough inner struggle with myself about whether or not to move back to CA and at what point. My kids, friends and best friend all live in CA. My daughter and BFF are always asking when I am coming back. BFF even offered to let me move in with her! Everyone out there is pro my coming. However I have some real concerns, such as walking away from a job in this economy, getting rid of my house without still being it debt (I'll have to short sale) and how I will survive in a more expensive place if I can't find work. I really don't know why this is such a quandary because I really have nothing in FL but I am spinning in circles mentally over it. I've asked the Lord for guidance but so far none has been forthcoming.
I am better in that I can talk about Barry without dissolving into tears, can actually say "when Barry died" instead of the other covers like "when he left me". Barry would never have left me if he could have stayed.
I still have not got rid of his clothes and just have a huge problem even facing this chore. I just never open the closet so they are there like the 100 lb elephant.
But really the biggest change is in how I am looking at myself. I am feeling like the strong capable woman I was before, and always was, just couldn't see it through the swirling emotions. I have confidence that I can handle whatever comes along, and I am less scared than I was of the future, whatever it turns out to be.
I love everyone in this site and know I never would have made it this far without you.