Fools Heart

by HH
(Tappahannock VA)

My Love,

I made a mistake and I know you know. You have been looking over me since you died 5 long years ago so you also know that it was with much trepidation that I began talking to another man recently.

It was not my choice initially. A good friend said I need to get out there, that she dated a really sweet man and I should talk to him. I told her I would think about it but, by then she had already given him my number.

Let the texting begin! Right there my radar was going off. I don't like texting and feel that after 2 texts you need to call me. But this is the way the world goes round nowadays I suppose.

I will admit that it felt good to feel alive again. I felt appreciated understood and dare I admit? attractive to another human being! Then the flirting began and that is one thing that I so dearly miss from you. I felt my heart leap every time you walked in the door even after 17 years. I had not even attempted to date knowing that I would be looking for another Paul and that would be so unfair to that other person yet...This felt so good. Talking to a man him understanding me listening to me liking a lot of the same things I did so...

After a month enough talking I needed to meet him.

It was in a Starbucks and I know you were there then too. You saw me nervously waiting for someone. I had never been on a date as to where I was at a table being interviewed for the job or so it felt. You and I had children from the start there was no dating just finding the time so see each other stealing salty kisses in the heat of summer.

He hugged me as soon as he came in and I him. It felt odd but, I thought your not used to it give it a chance don't be so chicken! It got worse from there him stroking my hand set panic in. I knew this was a mistake yet just continued on not sure what to do. He could see my nervousness and asked what was wrong. Should I have told him your not my husband? I just want someone to hang out with.

I asked him if we could walk and of course it was sleeting out side. We got in the car and he hugged me again...it felt weird and even weirder still when he tried to kiss me. I just wanted to scream get off of me!

I am so sorry my Love that I missed you enough to want some of that back again. I was a fool to think that I could meet anyone that would ever give me that magical feeling you once did. I felt desire and appreciation until I met him. I am alive but so much less so without you. I am not looking for love. Just want to feel human and I know you understand...

Love You Miss You Still!

You wife forever...
HH

Comments for Fools Heart

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Mar 25, 2014
No Fools Heart to Try
by: Judith in California

Dear Hope, I understand your delima. On the one hand you want so badly to feel what you once had, to feel desired and loved and on the other hand you feel guilt or shame that you may have dishonored Paul.

Hope you honored Paul while he was alive. You did all you could for him. You were the best wife! You have been good at holding him dear to your heart in memories and will for a long time.

I hope I can put some perspective on this for you. We are still alive and if we don't have human touch we can not grow. We won't ever have what we had with Paul and Chuck. We aren't supposed to. With each new person that comes into our lives we feel differently about each one. We love each one in a different way. We can't love them all the same. Of course we will miss what we had for so many years and when we try to find it again we will, quite normally, feel a bit of guilt but we must not let our lost loves control us from the grave or the people who we feel are looking to see how long it will take before we find someone new.
I have that sort of problem with wondering what Chuck's children will think. Will they think I no longer care about him? Do they think I have completely forgotten the life we once had? I don't want to have to explain it to them but only hope that one day they will understand .
WE owe it to ourselves to be as happy as we can. We aren't getting any younger and must make the best of our lives the next 20 or 30 years.
I know that I do want someone to share some good times with, to go dancing with and to share some nice close moments with and there is nothing wrong with that. We can't allow ourselves to become stoic or a martyr and give up on trying to find what all humans need. It is hard in todays world to find it but I feel that when God feels I'm ready emotionally to be with another then he will put another right person there for me.
I want you to be happy again Hope and want you to open your mind and heart to the fact that it is okay to begin again. Don't push away what you really need. Just enjoy the time you are given and give yourself permission to seek some more happiness.

AND I hope for Lawrence some sweet lady will catch his eye again. He sounds like such a nice man. We will never be too old to enjoy some attention thrown our way.

It's been 3 1/2 years for me and I'm just warming up to the idea that I want something more in my life. When God is ready then I want to be ready for whoever he sends.

I wish you Love and contentment.

Mar 24, 2014
human touch and the withering soul
by: HH

Concerning the need for human touch and having a pedicure there is no shame or ridiculousness about it. My sister went 10 years without relations and told me that she got a massage once a month just to be able to function. Not to feel alive just not to shrivel up and crawl into a corner to cringe or arch you back every time a stranger brushed against you to get by.

I have begun to read ? blogs? on facebooks widowsnet. Having feelings of elation which I appreciate mixed with feelings of loss, I can feel the hole that I have since my husband passed. 5 long years and I thought rediscovering myself going through an adult puberty allowed me to know who I was all over again.

I have gotten used to going to concerts, traveling, eating and being alone but that does not stop the want for companionship. I live in a small town and have an autistic son. Though he is high functioning autistic, it makes for little social life. He goes everywhere I do. I need to get him more activities with people his own age and god knows I need to get out socially too.

I guess that what I am trying to say that we are all going through a rough no tourmulous (sp) time in our life and if we can seek and find even moments of joy a tiny sprig of a genuine smile pass our lips. Hold on to it for as long as you can before self doubt and loneliness tries to make itself home in our heart. I look forward to the day when I don't count its been...5 years since he died. Do we ever stop counting the time?

The more I live this new life the more I miss My Love...
HH

Mar 23, 2014
fools heart
by: Anonymous

There is no shame in your curiosity about this man but he was waaaay to forward. It lets you know exactly what you had and what you lost and until the next "right" one comes along if ever just bask in the love you shared and nurtured all those years. As the human animal, we crave touch, acceptance. We "want" to be needed and this is very normal. Since my husband died a year ago I so desparately miss his touch because he was a man who liked touch. The only human contact I have had is when I go have a pedicure. Yes, it is very sad. I do not believe in internet dating, texting or any of this non-committal stuff which is our world today. I believe in fate and it cannot be forced. That doesn't make your nights warmer but you deserve much better than a drive by romance.

Mar 22, 2014
Fool's Heart
by: Anonymous---MI

Let me say that I am very sorry for your loss. We, on this site, know how you feel. we are living the grief of loosing our beloved spouse, partner and loved ones. I am in the 16th month of going on without my husband of 43 amazing years. Each of us are different and will face and handle grief in the way that is right for us. I, like Lawrence, have no desire to ever date again or share my life with--but, you should not feel guilty for meeting someone new. We are in brutal, sad & lonely times and whatever helps us (that is right in the eyes of God) to face another day with some inner peace and comfort should be done. I agree with Lawrence about getting out of the house and keeping busy. I try to avoid 'just sitting' as this is a sure way for the darkness to cover me. I work in and around my home; improving what I can and being active is good for the body and mind. I miss my husband with every breath I take; he was my first and only love but I know he would want me to be happy. Same for you is true; look to God for His guidance and comfort. May God bless you and all on this site.

Mar 22, 2014
Deepest Sympathy
by: lawrence

Hi,
I have just read Doreen’s reply to you and can only echo her words”YOU TRIED”.
The desire to be loved and kissed never goes away when you’ve had many years of excitement,passion and friendship.
I get the sense that you feel some guilt about trying to find a new love, well you shouldn’t, and I’m sure you’re deeply missed husband will fully understand you trying to replicate the thrill of the love affair you had together..
I must admit that I have no desire at all to hold another person’s hand or kiss their lips but I am a lot older than you.
My wife was the first girl I ever kissed and the last on her deathbed when I closed her eyes kissed her for the last time and thanked her for seventy wonderful years and said goodbye.
I continually thank God for sharing her with me and feel incredibly lucky to have had all those wonderful years together.
As for looking for love, well just wait, it may come from anywhere and if and when it comes your husband will be so happy for you, but you should also be thankful for the wonderful love you had, very few people are that lucky..
I can feel your sadness. Unfortunately you share it with everyone on this web site who are grieving and in overwhelming pain for their lost love
May I make a suggestion, get out of the house. Go anywhere do anything but stay in and wallow in your grief; it will still be there when you return empty and very lonely..
You are obviously computer literate and certainly have a way with words, so sit and write a book about your love affair, writing is so therapeutic and who knows, you could write a best seller.
I am following my own advice, learning to play bridge, having violin lessons, I joined a social club and am writing books, all this is after I heard my lovely wife’s voice in my head saying, “enough grieving, get on with your life” I never disobeyed her in life, wouldn’t dream of doing it now she is dead.
Read all the stories, it will help; it certainly did for me when I was in absolute despair and quite frankly didn’t want to live without her.
With deepest sympathy
Lawrence.

Mar 21, 2014
Fools Heart
by: Doreen UK

HH Your friend set you up for a date. YOU TRIED. It didn't work out. But at least you know how you feel! and what you want out of life. COMPANIONSHIP. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone. You may meet someone in the future. You may be ready then for a new relationship then! It just may be too soon for you? or this man may have been the wrong person for you? or it may be the timing is wrong. But don't feel guilty that you let your late husband down by attempting to date again. You owe it to yourself when you are ready to put new people in your life. You are not meant to live in isolation unless this is what you want. If you meet someone in the future set out some ground rules and be up front at the very beginning, as to what your needs are at that moment and what you expect of that other person and see if your needs can be met and you can meet the needs of the person you are with without stepping on each other's toes.
You don't have a Fools Heart. You have a very Human Heart that needs Love and companionship in order to survive and thrive emotionally. This is not a crime. I wish you the best in the future and hope you have your needs met and that you are able to move forward and find happiness again in life. Don't deny yourself happiness or to LIVE again.

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