I made a mistake and I know you know. You have been looking over me since you died 5 long years ago so you also know that it was with much trepidation that I began talking to another man recently.
It was not my choice initially. A good friend said I need to get out there, that she dated a really sweet man and I should talk to him. I told her I would think about it but, by then she had already given him my number.
Let the texting begin! Right there my radar was going off. I don't like texting and feel that after 2 texts you need to call me. But this is the way the world goes round nowadays I suppose.
I will admit that it felt good to feel alive again. I felt appreciated understood and dare I admit? attractive to another human being! Then the flirting began and that is one thing that I so dearly miss from you. I felt my heart leap every time you walked in the door even after 17 years. I had not even attempted to date knowing that I would be looking for another Paul and that would be so unfair to that other person yet...This felt so good. Talking to a man him understanding me listening to me liking a lot of the same things I did so...
After a month enough talking I needed to meet him.
It was in a Starbucks and I know you were there then too. You saw me nervously waiting for someone. I had never been on a date as to where I was at a table being interviewed for the job or so it felt. You and I had children from the start there was no dating just finding the time so see each other stealing salty kisses in the heat of summer.
He hugged me as soon as he came in and I him. It felt odd but, I thought your not used to it give it a chance don't be so chicken! It got worse from there him stroking my hand set panic in. I knew this was a mistake yet just continued on not sure what to do. He could see my nervousness and asked what was wrong. Should I have told him your not my husband? I just want someone to hang out with.
I asked him if we could walk and of course it was sleeting out side. We got in the car and he hugged me again...it felt weird and even weirder still when he tried to kiss me. I just wanted to scream get off of me!
I am so sorry my Love that I missed you enough to want some of that back again. I was a fool to think that I could meet anyone that would ever give me that magical feeling you once did. I felt desire and appreciation until I met him. I am alive but so much less so without you. I am not looking for love. Just want to feel human and I know you understand...
Love You Miss You Still!
You wife forever...