For Elisa

I wrote about the loss of my husband who died in February this year and your story of grief was everything I recognised - I can't bear the thought of continuing without my husband but I have to for my daughters, the youngest is still at school. Elisa I just wanted to say how I wished I had been able to say goodbye to my husband as you did. I was staying over at the hospital in the room with my husband for each night, my youngest daughter stayed as well - one night the staff in the ward said we needed to go home and get some rest, my daughter did not want to leave her dad but a male nurse told us that he was stable and nothing was going to happen and we could come straight back in the morning when we'd had some rest. I am so sad that I trusted and believed him because the ward didn't ring us until it was too late and I couldn't get back to him in time to say goodbye and he died alone...he was my soulmate and after all those years together I can't come to terms with being cheated out of saying goodbye to him. I, like you, keep saying where is he, all the things we did together to make our house a home and now he isn't with me to share it. Sometimes I feel like screaming aloud and wonder if I will be able to stay strong enough to stay here without him.

Comments for For Elisa

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Feb 19, 2013
Being with him at the end
by: Jennie

Hello Elisa, thank you for your mail, I just did not want him to leave this world without me being there, holding his hand. He lived for me and his girls and if my love could have saved him he would still be here.

Feb 18, 2013
To those who have commented about how I feel
by: Elisa

To the woman who wrote that she wished she could have had a chance like I did to say good-bye to my husband when he took his last breath.

I don't really know how I feel about that chance I had because my husband struggled to hang in there for me--he kept saying that he was worried about me, he told everyone, and I watched him for 2 hours and 40 minutes struggle to purge himself of the horrible pancreatic cancer he had that ravaged him--a once strong, beautifuly, shiney-eyed man--he was beautiful inside as well; and to me, even when he died he was beautiful, but the cancer took away his weight to bones, his hair, his features.

The only reason I told him, "I'll be OK, go to God, go to my parents (who were like his own parents whom he loved as though they were his own), is because he struggled too much, so I let him "go." It was the most heart-wrenching decision I ever made in my life.

My life is not, and never will be the same; and I don't care what counselors, doctors, friends, family members say--they don't know because they hve their spouses, and we don't.

But, I know that I offend God (and my husband) when I keep saying "I can't go on, don't want to, want to go to sleep and not wake up, want him back." This grief process is unending, as far as I am concerned; the only consolation is that I will see him again, but I do not want to keep living until I'm uselesss and a burden. I have no children, so I will be alone because I will not let anyone put me in a home.

I pray for you when I pray for me.

Love, Elisa

Jan 07, 2013
For Elise
by: Anonymous

Hello Elise, just wanted to ask how you are and how you coped over Christmas/New Year - the first Christmas without our cherished other halves. I, personally, am so glad the festivities are over, it was a nightmare trying to get through it. Hope you are ok, best wishes Jennie

Jan 05, 2013
farewell
by: Anonymous

I have read your story and cried so much because it reflect my own grief. My husband had terminal cancer at fighting it so bravely for a year and half( doctors gave him six months when diagnoised). At the last month of his life he was in hospital and me by my beloved side every single moment. Then the last day I went home to take a quick shower and he died in the only hour that I left him. Everybody believes that he let go then because he didn,t want me to witness his passing away and I believe that because he was so considerate. Love you

Oct 27, 2012
You are strong and valuable
by: Doreen U.K.

Jennie, I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. That relative you said SHOUTED at you. Why? She sounds as if she is CONTROLLING and she didn't like you challenging her by standing up for yourself. LET THEM ALL GO. You are better off without them. BUILD ON THIS! STRENGTH. You are not retaliating. You are just making a stand that no one is going to walk all over you. Especially now that you have lost your husband. Just FOCUS on YOU and what you need to do for yourself.
I am so glad you are going for COUNSELLING. You won't regret this. It is important to find the right counsellor for you. It will hurt at first and then you will start to feel better and stronger. You will get your life back and you will feel FANTASTIC. I felt I could take on the world. I always felt scared of people in authority. I DON'T NOW. I can challenge them in a positive way. You will also learn skills that will benefit you in life. Just using the correct phrases in your conversation will earn you respect and empower you. You will go on to be happier in life and find new friends who will treat you with RESPECT. Best wishes Jennie. YOU CAN DO IT. Keep posting with updates.

Oct 26, 2012
Trying to be strong
by: Anonymous

Thank you Doreen, yes you are right. At the beginning of the week I actually grabbed my bag and walked out on a relative who I had been staying with for a couple of days. On the day I arrived my relative seemed concerned and understanding when we chatted, I told her how low I felt and that I didn't think I could find the strength to carry on without my husband, and she was quite sympathetic. However, the next day it was as if we hadn't had that conversation at all and she turned on me so I told her she had no right to speak to me as if I was a child and when she started to shout at me again I grabbed my bag and coat and walked out. To be honest I felt better once I was out of the house and she couldn't hurt me any more. So if I can find the strength to stop others who continue to do it at least they will realise I am not going to take their bullying anymore - even if they never contact me again. Today I did stand up for myself a little but was aware that I am tip toeing around them as it is not in my nature to retaliate or just tell them to stop. I keep saying to myself - why am I allowing this to happen to me?? But I think the truth is that before my husband died, most of the time I just wanted to be with him, and I wanted to be with him constantly when I realised the Oncologist wasn't trying to save him. I didn't need or want anyone else - so now I am paying the price and have lost friends, but I console myself my saying that they know what has happened and they haven't been in touch so they weren't loyal friends anyway. I am considering counselling.

Oct 25, 2012
YOU CAN DO IT To Jennie by Doreen
by: Doreen U.K.

Jennie, I understand how you feel. When you lose your husband/partner you feel insecure, and when you think your children will be supportive it actually feels as if they are more against you. I don't know why this should happen. Don't let anyone ever put you down or criticize you. Once you allow this everyone thinks they can do this and before you know it you lose your self esteem. Because you lost your husband you did not lose your self esteem. When anyone comes against you LEARN to put them in their place. It is not easy to change from the person you were. I remember saying to my husband before he died. "See what life is going to be for me when you are gone." "Who is going to stand by me and take up for me and defend me." NO ONE. I am learning to do this for myself now. If I had friends who criticized me I would lose them as friends. I don't need friends like that. Your children you are stuck with. BUT don't let your children take advantage of you. Because you are on your own now you are more vulnerable to the attacks of others. JUST DON'T TAKE IT. You will feel because your husband was your defender that now he has gone you are left open for attacks. This is not so. There is a saying. "People can only do to you WHAT YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO". Just don't ALLOW ANYONE to do to you what you don't feel happy about. start putting everyone in their place, and let them know because you have lost your husband does not mean that you will become their doormat where they will wipe their feet on you. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Build confidence in yourself and you will start to pick up and move forward in your life. You will be happier. It sounds as if you are being bullied by people. Don't let anyone bully you, not even your children. YOU CAN DO IT. You would benefit greatly from going to see a counsellor and find out why people do this to you? You could also take a course in BEING ASSERTIVE. You would build up enough confidence in yourself and you would be able to protect yourself. My husband was vulnerable to hurt and I was the one who always protected him and stood up for him. So I guess I do have a strength in me to do this. You can develop this strength in yoursef that will shield you from the attacks of others. Make new friends. Develop skills. You will become a confident person who will win RESPECT. No one likes to be disrespected. If you let your children and friends know that what they are saying to you is actually disrespecting you, YOu will be sending them a message that they can no longer do this to you. You are not taking it anymore. IT WILL WORK. Best wishes Jennie. Keep posting and let me know that you are in a happier place and standing up for yourself.

Oct 25, 2012
Thank you Doreen
by: Jennie

Thank you Doreen, this is the first time I have felt that there is somebody else who understands how I feel. I realise there are others who feel devastated at losing their loved one, however, I did not find this site until recently so have not read that many comments about others feelings. My husband was the only one who never criticised me, he just liked the way I was, he liked the way I spoke, what I said, the way I thought, and as you probably know yourself he grew to know what I was thinking. My daughters, some of my family and a couple of my friends are very critical of me
and do criticise me often - it is a bitter pill to swallow when you have lost somebody who you loved you unreservedly and made you feel utterly safe with. If my husband were here he would stop anyone who dared to speak unkindly to me, my
husband was very protective of my feelings, but I never realised how secure I felt until he died - then people started taking advantage of me. I miss him dreadfully, but I can't write any more now as the tears are rolling down my face. Just to say what hurts me so very much now that I am on my own is I thought my children would help me, not criticise and hurt me, I wish they could watch themselves - see how selfish they are, I know they are grieving for their dad but they think their loss is the same as mine, one day when it is too late, they will realise that losing their soul mate is not the same as losing a father.

Oct 24, 2012
Life is so difficult : for Jennie by Doreen
by: Doreen UK

Jennie you are so right. Life is so very very difficult to live with. I feel as if I am in a strange place and I want to go back to where I was happy. It is a very strange atmosphere. Especially if I fall asleep and wake up, I feel this more in a strange place.
Even if grief does get better in time it still won't bring our husbands/partners back to our world. I am finding it much more difficult as time goes on. The macmillan nurse last year wanted to take Steve my beloved husband off steroid for his appetite. I ignored her advice because Steve stop eating. They are part of palliative care and so are winding down the patient for death. Not prolonging life. I put Steve back on the steroids on Christmas Eve and they kicked in. Steve ate a good portion of Christmas dinner and this was his last one. I am so glad I did it my way otherwise my grief would have been mixed with anger.
I am crying as I write this letter to you. Life is HELL now. I will never ever get over losing my Steve,
It is ironic how some people live to 102, or 90's or 80's and some don't want to live with disabilities as one gets older. They have lost their quality of life and they struggle on each day hoping it will be their last. Those who don't want to die but live a little longer die. There is an imbalance in the Universe.
Jennie our grief is going to be different from our children who have lost a father. When you have been a couple you have lived as ONE UNIT. You break that UNIT it is like being broken in two. We are FRAGMENTED WIVES/PARTNERS. Who is going to put us back together to become a whole person? Jennie my Adult children are the same. Very supportive before their father died. NOW. They don't visit anymore, don't phone anymore. I feel as I am left to rot in hell.
You are not alone in how you are feeling. Quite a few of us feel the same way. It is so comforting to hear this as we are left bewildered. I hope that each day you start to heal and that God will put people in your life to support you and help get you through this difficult stage of grief.
Pity we all live far apart otherwise we could get together and support each other better in person with a hug and lashings of COMPASSION.

Oct 23, 2012
Life is so difficult to cope with
by: Jennie

I agree Doreen, when you lose the person who is your reason for living, life becomes a living hell.
My children, one still at home, the other soon to
be married, haven't got the faintest idea of how
much losing their father has affected me. If I do try and talk to them, they listen but the next day they treat me as if I am now feeling better and can cope, all this does is to make me realise how much I need him with me.

Oct 23, 2012
For Elise
by: Doreen U.K.

Elisa you will stay strong enough to stay here in this world for the sake of your children. I was married 44yrs. and lost my husband to cancer 5 months ago.
I can understand your ANGER at not saying good bye to your husband. This was always my concern that i wouldn't know when he died.
I had a doctor and a macmillan nurse come to the home and persuade my husband to go into the hospice they went above my head and organised this and they had to hear this from my husband first. But I would have thrown them out. It was what my husband wanted that was going to be respected. Not the medical staff who couldn't even get his pain medication right. They witheld this. Steve was in severe pain and I was screaming down the phone for help. A nurse came 3hours later to give an injection, because they were in clinic. I feel so very angry still at the unneccessary suffering my husband went through. But Steve died at home where he wanted to. I saw him draw his last breath at 9.54p.m Saturday 5th May 2012. My heart is breaking all the time. I can't wait to join him. I have nothing left to live for. My 3 children are Adults now. THIS IS HELL MOST DAYS.
This is the mood I am in just now very ill with flu. But tomorrow is a new day. I have to live till God takes me. I just pray that God does not give me many years of living. This would be CRUEL. When you have children they give you a reason to live. A Purpose to go on. I have to find my purpose. Steve was MY LIFE. As wives we are dedicated to our husbands and children when we lose any one of them. It is like a DEATH sentence for us.

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