For healing and believing that I can get through this grieving process

by Amy
(Indianapolis, IN)

My sister Coleen died on March 7, 2011 of cancer. Her cancer started on her heal of the foot as melanoma, and metastasized to her lymph nodes, and finally to her Cerebral Spinal Fluid. She suffered for one year, and was told about her cancer in March of 2010.
I feel very lost without her, and I miss her very much. I have been feeling very empty, and withdrawn in some ways socially. It has affected my daily living; however I am working, going to school and sleeping, having a hard time waking up and getting started in the morning. I am overeating and gaining weight, and being unhealthy in general, not exercising enough either. The sorrow or sadness I am experiencing is less frequent since day one. She was a very special sister, and I miss talking to her on the phone when I am excited about something that happened or when I have had a bad day in general. I called her a lot, and she always made me feel better. I do feel sad for my nieces for losing their mother. I feel sad for my mother for losing her first child of six children. I am fearful of dying myself, because I am very close to her age. I went straight to the lawyer to start a will for getting my finances and health wishes in order. The loneliness I am experiencing is very surreal because I miss hearing her voice and talking to her at least once a week. The anger I am experiencing is not as frequent but I still get angry and frustrated easily.
Coleen was very good hearted because she always took time for everyone and for every animal she would come across. She was spiritual and not scared to die, and had her siblings, daughters, and husband with her when she died. We shared a room together when we were kids and throughout high school. We argued a lot, but always made up, especially as we got older. One story in particular I loved hearing about when she was ill in the hospital about a health care worker that was sick but tried not to let it known or show it. Coleen, being the compassionate person she was, she said to her daughter, “Something is bothering her.” Well, the next time she came back to evaluate Coleen, Coleen said to her, “What is wrong, you seem very sad.” The girl shared with Coleen that she was diagnosed with cancer recently. They talked for a long time and shared a lot of feelings with each other.