Forever 33

by Julie
(O'Fallon, MO)

Gregor's last pic

Gregor's last pic

Hello, my name is Julie, my world was forever changed on Feb. 10, 2013 at 9 PM. after 2 State HWY police officers knocked on my door to let me know my son, my only child, my forever 33 year old son Greg had passed away from a Heroin Overdose, on Feb 8th. (It took them 2 days to find his next of kin.) The only information they had was that he had been found in a alley, about a block from the rehab center where he had just been released. They didn't have any more details other than that as it happened in another state, TX.

But I think in my heart I knew something had happened to Greg, as he was excited to be getting out of a rehab facility on Friday and was suppose to be catching a bus to MO to be near me. He had been on a waiting list for over a year, for a facility here in MO. He didn't call me that Friday... Or Saturday or Sunday and my heart was hurting... It’s like as a Mom you just know? My son was Bi-Polar and suffered from addiction most of his teen/adult life.

A little more about Greg, he was born Dec 1, 1979 and a fighter since his birth, he was born not breathing and was in and out of hospitals for 6 months for breathing issues. When he was younger he had to fight with other issues too, such as ADD, Dyslexia, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and many other diagnosis. (Don’t think the schools knew how to treat someone with so many problems.)

But HE just couldn't win his battle from drugs. I know, I tried, and tried and tried... He started having behavior problems in Elementary school. But no- one knew what was really wrong, everyone saying he was just being mean, well my ex and is family decided to send him to military school when he was 10, I was against it, but caved in to family pressure. Flew down with Greg, handed him off to the school and they promised me he would be OK, I hadn't even been home 5 minutes when the school called and told me he had escaped and they had no clue where he was.

Well he was 2 miles from the school and even closer to Mexico. Greg called me, crying asking me to come pick him up, he was talking about killing himself. I did and still to this day don't regret that. Then when he was about 13, we had to put him into a hospital to help deal with his behavior issues, they still couldn't figure out what was wrong. So when Insurance ran out, he was released.

When he was 17, he was arrested for drugs, served 16 months, but I still loved my son, at this time, my marriage had fallen apart, I got a divorce from his Dad, who was also abusive and my family was starting to distance themselves against my son. Low and behold he's now about 19, seems to be doing better then gets in with the wrong crowd. I get a call and he's in the hospital and tried to slit his wrists, again, he walked out of the hospital by the time I had arrived. This is when he started to spiral out of control and I thought sending him money, helping pay for rent Etc would help, but again this is a long story, but a few years later, I remarried and my Dad got ill so my new husband and I moved to MO to be near my folks. I hated leaving Greg but he seemed to be up and down with his struggles. Then when he was 28 or so, he was on meth and slit his throat when his GF of 12 years said it was over, I begged my

I begged my husband to let him come live with us, he agreed. But I still couldn't help my son. I know I tried yet again. By now Greg had been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and finally diagnosed but still always on waiting lists. He lived with us off and on for several years and seemed to be getting better and his dream was to go to Alaska, he had a job offer to be a chef at a resort in Coopers Landing, so off he went... I thought my prayers were finally answered. He had a good year then again got in with the wrong group of people.

He again, got caught up his addictions and illness, Again my heart was breaking. He was homeless and I still can't believe he survived the elements in Alaska for 3 years, but he was begging me to come home once again I said yes as I thought I could help him... but by this time my family was against him coming home and non one wanted to even see him.

It was Oct, he had some friends here but again, not making good choices, the day after Thanksgiving he asked if he could go back to TX to visit his love his Golden retriever Clifford and had a place to stay, so I agreed and have REGRETTED it since. I blame myself, he got back with his old friends, but I at that time had to work my marriage...

But Dec 1st on his b-day he started to be paranoid that people were out to get him, he caught a bus to Corpus, I was trying to get him into a place, again waiting lists, but he jumped out of a 2 story window trying to get help, he broke his foot, he was in for a week then released, 2 weeks later, he slit his wrists, a week later was released, he almost died from a OD end of Dec, we talked he had seen a white light, he accepted God back into his life, he found a treatment center that would work with him and he was there for almost 2 months, but lost his way after being out only 24 hours.


None when to his memorial service, none came over the day I found out he passed. I never even got a card or a hug from any of them.

The only comments have been “why are you surprised, you knew it was going to happen,” “MOVE ON”, it's what he would want, how do they KNOW THAT? They didn't want anything to do with, him, so you all have no SAY SO. None will even come to my house because I am waiting for the courage to go get his ashes and they will not come here if he is here, WELL THEN DON'T.

There are days I just don’t want to go on…

Comments for Forever 33

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Jul 09, 2013
You deserve better from friends an family
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry your family was so unable to recognize how ill your boy was. His life seemed really hard but he had you to love him and support him. He was lucky to have a mom like you. I lost my son to an overdose and people who don't understand addiction should just be felt sorry for they have narrow minds. AlAnon is helpful and maybe you can find a group of parents who have lost kids to this disease. Your son was dual diagnosed and that makes it so so very hard for him. He is with God and watching you and loving you forever.

Jul 05, 2013
I'm so sorry
by: mama

I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter will forever be 26. She went to sleep one night and never woke again. There was an autopsy and toxicology report, but no reason for her death. She was perfectly healthy. She lived with us while working as a nurse and saving for furthering her education and she was getting married. I don't know if it is worse not to know or to know. I know how you hurt. Your son was special to you and it is still so fresh in your mind. It's been 7 months for me and I feel like it's Nov. 17 every day. I understand. I am told that someday the pain will gradually become less and less. My question has been do I live without my daughter until that happens. I'm sure you've asked yourself that question. I got a good comment on that. Just hang on to God. He is the only one who can comfort you, but you will never get over your son's death. Unless a person has gone or is going through this, they don't understand. I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

Jul 03, 2013
Please be strong...
by: Jo Anna

Please don't blame yourself. You did the best you could for your son. He was troubled emotionally and I am sorry he struggled during his lifetime on earth. He now is with the Lord and he is safe, happy and at peace. You should get his ashes and put them in a safe place or take an afternoon and find a place you think he would like and just release them. Do what you want to do. I am sorry your family is not supportive but that's ok too. Put their emotions aside and focus on yourself now. Be strong my friend. The Lord has a plan for all of us but the path we must follow is sometimes difficult.

Jun 28, 2013
Forever 33
by: Doreen U.K.

Julie we are here for you. All of us on this site. Don't apologise for being new to writing and not being good at it. No one is going to judge you. Your post about your son was well written in a way that tugged at all our heartstring and we cry with you. You are a remarkable mother. Keep us updated with how you are doing. Best wishes

Jun 28, 2013
With you
by: s.jane.f

What hell you've been through! My son, 19, also died, in March--we still don't know the exact cause, but he also had a serious drug problem and had been in and out of rehabs and jail. And he was a beautiful person, and so was your son. They didn't deserve to suffer so much, and to be scorned by society. They didn't choose their illnesses--addiction, adhd, etc. They are precious children of god, just like everyone else. I'm sorry, but your family sound heartless and ignorant. I know how it feels to second-guess everything you did--I do it sometimes too. But you did so much! Under such impossible circumstances. Your son obviously knew how much you loved him--maybe you can take some comfort from that. And he was very brave to go on trying and often overcoming his illness. He would not want you to be blaming yourself--he knew how hard you tried. But the truth is that ultimately we can't control another person's life, even our child's. I would give anything to have my boy back. But I do know he's no longer in pain. I am, of course, and you are too, I know. Well, as you can see I have no words that can fix anything. But I feel your pain, even if your family doesn't--I just felt like crying when I read your story. We will survive, and even be happy again one day, I'm sure of it. And maybe even see our dear ones again. With all my best wishes...

Jun 26, 2013
by: Julie

I can not tell you how much each and every one of your comments has meant to me. The love is amazing and the knowing I am NOT ALONE in this Grief, well i have no words to describe that feeling. It does sadden me that my family is not there for me, but I feel like you are here now and my new family. I am going to start leaning into my grief, knowing I've got this site and support. I was reminded again to trust in God and that my son is not hurting any more, for that I am so thankful. I'm new at writing down my thoughts and feelings and apologize in advance if this or future comments do not make sense. I am also sorry for all of your losses too.

Jun 26, 2013
Forever 33
by: Another Mom

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Addiction is a terrible enemy of the young today. It gets its hooks into these young kids and they cannot get away and it destroys their lives. I can relate to your story on many levels. Your son tried many times to try and get clean - it is not easy at all to get off these drugs. It sounds like he really tried (many times) You are a wonderful Mom - please dont ever feel any regret at what you should have done or didnt do. This is something that is really beyond our control. I am glad that you mentioned that your son accepted GOD. He is at peace .....try to find comfort. Do not even listen to those other people - they have no idea what it is like and they sound very insensitive. Please come here often we all understand. Bless You

Jun 26, 2013
Sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

I too am sorry you don't have support. You need someone that you can talk to and that share's your pain. I had a son who also died from a heroin overdose. He was arrested several times, and was addicted to heroin. Its a disease, and once it gets a hold its hard to get off the drug. Even though he had problems, I still wanted to take care of him, and see him get better. That was my wish. I loved him so much. He was loving and caring, and gave the best hugs ever. Its too sad....

Jun 26, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

Very sad story and the ending the worst! Not what we want !
I feel for your heart. I lost my 39 yr old son 7 months ago. The
Pain of death is unmatched. We go through so many emotions in grief. You have alot to accept but lean on God to see you on
It is all we can do. Your son suffered with his problems and you loved him despite anything. Know that in your heart and take one day at a time. We all have different stories on here but love is the same. We love our children no matter what.

Jun 26, 2013
Forever 33
by: Cheryl

So very sorry for your loss, I recently lost my older sister (she was only 49) back in Jan this year. And my own daughter back in 2000. I only mention this because I can relate to your pain. I pray you find joy and peace again. My older brother is terribly addicted to drugs, and he wasn't even able to attend our sisters funeral. Due to being incarcerated. Now he is released and started right back up using. I will never give up on him, And I continue to pray for him. As a Mom you will always miss your son. Some people are just heartless, but don't allow there ignorance to steal your peace. Every day the pain is lessened just a bit, I try to remember all the fond memories, and it too helps me. I hope that things get better for you. :)

Jun 26, 2013
forever 33
by: Anonymous

I can kind of relate to your losing your son. When i was 26, a long time ago, i dated a man who had mental problems. He was on precription drugs for PTSD i think it is, after being in Vietman a short while. Anyway, when i met him he seemed happy and doing ok. But one day he simply told me he couldn't see me anymore. No explanation. He just got up and walked out. I tried calling him and he hung up on me. I tried seeing him but he wasn't making sense to me. I think he stopped taking his meds. One day his mother called my mother to tell her he had died the night before, an apparent overdose of meds. I believe it was suicide. But my point is i tried to help him but he wouldn't let me. I'm sure you did the same with your son. I had to accept the fact that he was just ready to leave though i know he loved me. I wish you well. Take care of yourself.

Jun 26, 2013
Forever 33
by: Doreen U.K.

Julie I am so deeply sorry for your loss of your only beloved son. Your story broke my heart. I wish I could be with you in person to wipe your tears and hug you and give you all the personal support you need.
I wept as some aspects of your story resonate with me.
Here was a lovely boy who went off the rails and just needed someone to take him under their wings and mentor him and give him a life he needed where he would know people cared.
Often just being a mom and doing it all is not enough. It carries its own pain and sorrow like bashing your head a against a brick wall for change when you are doing your best and can see nothing get better. Many of us have been there and know how you feel.
It is often the mom who has to pick up the pieces and gets the raw deal. When I have watched many of these reality shows I always see the mom with the child struggling to get help and wonder where is the fathers? I guess the answer lies here. Many fathers are not taking responsibility for their sons and helping them by giving them the foundation they need. Boys learn to be men from their fathers and often it is the mom who has to be the role model and has to pick up the pieces of the tragic events of that child's life.
Don't beat yourself up. You should be applauded for doing what a mom does and always being available, also struggling with your own needs needing to be met. Having to juggle so much in life you know you are doing your best but it is never enough.
Our children have to then face the elements of such a cruel harsh world. I sorrow for you. My nephew had a similar life. He felt Lost and unable to go on in life with depression and 7yrs. ago threw himself in front of an express train. Our lives changed forever.
I cannot understand why your family are so cruel and dismissive. Why you are not being supported is so very cruel. My heart aches for you and I can understand how you don't feel like going on in life. Find Hope in God. He is all we have to help us get through this awful grief. May God comfort you and give you Peace in Life and in your Grief. If you need more support you can email me I will try my best to give you the support you need as best as I can from across the pond. Don't Give up! Hang in there. Let God carry the Load for you. This is all we can do. Ask God to put people in your life to come alongside you.

Jun 26, 2013
I am so sorry for your loss
by: Cindy (Club 27)

Your son was a handful. He caused you many a sleepless night I am sure. But you loved him. He was you baby 33 years ago. Your toddler that you taught to talk. You pre-schooler that you played hide n go seek with.
He was your grade school little boy that needed extra attention. He grew to be a teenager that caused you grief but by now you knew how to love unconditionally.
When your son became a man with addictions and more issues than you could possibly fully understand, you did not abandon him.
You loved him and wanted only to help get him off the streets. When you son died, a piece of you went with him. I am so sorry for you loss. I am so sorry for the loss you family has yet to realize.
My heart is with you.

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