Forever broken

by Paula

I lost my son feb 12th 2012. I came across this site because I was searching. Searching for what I ask? I still don't know, but I'm sure a lot of you have that same "don't know what the hell I'm doing feeling".

Oliver was 23 and a man who was full of life. Still cheeky and mischevious. We had a relationship that was pretty unique. We often argued as I was pretty strict on many things and therefore the last to know when he done something wrong, but he always told me in the end. I knew why, he hated dissapointing me bless him. We could talk about everything and he used to share his feelings with me everytime we spoke, good or bad. A week before he died I had the most wonderful phone call from him and realise now that phone call has been my anchore of life.

Oliver was stabbed by a lad he knew, the reason you may ask? still not known. He was found slumped over his bike left bleeding to death on a cold february midday. People just left him there. The one who stabbed him stolen his phone so he also had no way of calling for some help. He was left there for nearly 40 mins before a lad came along and tried to resussitate him shouting all the time for help. The local neighbours just looked on. I hope they can live with themselves. Eventually someone did bother to call an ambulance but it was too late, he had lost too much blood and he died very shortly after arriving at the hospital. The lad came to Olies funeral and was very welcomed. A very tearful and emotional funeral which took us 2 months to fight to get Olies body as they had charged a lad for his murder, so eventually they released him to us.

The grief I felt, words can not explain enough. I know that feeling of having your heart ripped out and just rocking to and fro for hours on end in some sort of desperation that if you wish hard enough he just may come back, and it all be one big mistake, but then realisation sets in and the pain starts all over again.

We still are waiting for the trial, but to be honest Olies gone and there is no punishment on this planet that can bring him back. Yes I want his murderer to do life, even though he is trying to get away with insanity as I'm told it's what most do, but I don't care about him. He will have a bigger authority to answer to when his miserable life ends, and I can only pray its the pit of eternal pain.

Losing a child is bad enough for whatever reason, but knowing that someone can play god and take a life just like that and ruin so many others lives in one selfish act makes my blood boil, especially in a western, spoilt community we are supposedly living in.

I am currently in Ghana, recently moved from Cambodia and I have seen true poverty and walked with the salt of the earth. I received the phone call about Olie whilst still in Cambodia, so I had to wait 3 days just to get back home to the UK to see him. His little face all bashed and broken where he had been beaten up before he was stabbed, just lying there. He looked asleep at the time and I could see him in my mind open his eyes and give me that cheeky grin he always had. What I would give to see that grin again.

A few friends of Olies have set up a campaign against knife crime and it was wonderful to see how many of his friends came to his funeral. The place was so full it was heaving. I wrote Olies memorial and god knows how I managed to read it. I did eventually crack just as I was reading his poem but I desperately wanted to talk about Olie and share his personality and not let a stranger talk about him. Even though the Pastor was a lovely man he didn't know Olie enough. It was my last thing I could do for him and I'm so glad I did now.

I have a Daughter who loved her brother to distruction and it hurts me so much to see her pain. They were always close and she feels empty and alone. I know I can't help her and she looks at me and knows she can't help me or her father or grandparents. Its so devastating and painful. We love each other so much but feel we have lost a chain to our invisable link.

Im sorry I've gone on a bit, but to you all who know this pain, I wish there was some way it could stop but I know it wont. I have realised we will never get over this but we have to learn to live with it.

Love and prayers of comfort and peace to you all. Love and light.

Comments for Forever broken

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 15, 2012
forever Broken
by: Paula

Thank you for your replies, I know you understand and I know we have to stay strong. Bless you all.


Jun 09, 2012
I Am So Sorry for Your Loss
by: Anonymous

A bird can perhaps live with a broken wing, but can a mother live with a broken heart? We were designed to love unconditionally those children given to us - we think for life - and are indeed crushed if we lose one to tragedy. How does one go on? I have asked that question thousands of times since my son took his own life. He left us with wretched pain; the life squeezed out with very little air left in our lungs. It has taken years to understand that the one who gives life knows our pain full because his son was sacrificed for our sins so that we can share in eternity where I expect to see my son and not just for a short time either,but forever. No more knifings or killings of any kind. No more sin. No more death.

I have learned that peace and contentment come from outside myself. Just as it is impossible for me to bring my son back, it is impossible for me to have joy unless it is God who gives it. God has turned my loss into a ministry and I reach out to others who are grieving a loss. Blessings, GT

Jun 08, 2012
Heartbroken forever
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Paula
I am sorry for the loss of your lovely Son. Who is the double of my nephew in Australia. What a fine looking young man and what a tragedy for you all as a family.
I live in the U.K. and know all too well the terrible knife crime we are having here in England. Brook Kinsela is doing a good job as an Ambassador to speak on behalf of those who are left behind to pick up the pieces as she too lost her brother to knife crime.
No parent expects to outlive their children and we live on eggshells every day wondering if our children are kept safe enough in a world where crime is increasing and the crimes are getting worse. Predators have no sense of value of a life and will consider anything to get what they want with no regard for a life or that of the people who will suffer the loss of their loved one. Crimes are not punished as they should. Short sentences mean the criminal can walk the streets to continue to kill.
Paula my prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time. You will never get over your loss. We bring our children up with great struggle and look forward to them living a good life and being happy and then someone comes along and takes away everything. It is as if they have killed a great part of you that finds it hard to function without a son. I am sorry for your loss.

Jun 08, 2012
I am so Sorry
by: carol,seans mom

Paula, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son suddenly November 15,2011. You said it right. We have lost a link in the chain of a family. Every day is a struggle and it is still unbelievable to me that my beautiful son is gone. He left behind two wonderful sisters that struggle also. I am not sure what life will bring us but I know for me happiness is gone. We will smile again and put on our brave face for the world but my heart is broken and my soul is crushed. This is something no one should go threw. I am again very sorry for your incredible loss. One day at a time and I hope we both are able to find a little peace.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Adult Child.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!