Forever Interrupted

by Jennifer
(Little Rock, AR)

The Trip of a Lifetime - Necker Island, July 2008

The Trip of a Lifetime - Necker Island, July 2008

On April 24, 2010, my life was changed forever. My 40 year old husband died from a massive heart attack. One minute he was there....the next gone. We were married just 3 weeks shy of 19 years. We met when he was just 18. We were together 22 years. We had the most amazing marriage. I truly loved him more the day he died than the day I married him.

Our marriage was never perfect, but we both said we would not change a thing. God blessed us with 2 beautiful children after 4 1/2 years of battling infertility. I thought then that was the hardest thing I'd ever been through. Boy, was that thought shattered that Saturday in April. We had plans for the future. We loved loving each other, we loved loving on our children. We looked forward to seeing what God had in store for us as we grew old together. We wanted to see our son play professional baseball some day, we wanted to see our daughter singing on stage some day. We were so happy, so full of life. Until that day.

It was a nice day outside, he and my son went to a friend's to play basketball. He came home alone complaining of chest pains. Thank goodness he left our son there. By the time he decided it was serious enough for me to take him to the Emergency Room, it was too late. Just minutes after I passed from the kitchen to the laundry room, I heard him collapse. My 8 year old daughter was in hysterics (as was I) as I tried desperately to roll him onto his back. She couldn't find a phone, I couldn't roll him over. I weigh 115 pounds and he was around 175. He was up against the sofa and I just couldn't do it. I finally found a phone and called 911. I had a friend on his way to come pick up my daughter before the collapse. When he arrived, he rolled my husband over and began CPR. I could see him turning blue. I knew I was losing him.

When the paramedics arrived, my friend whisked my daughter away and I was left on my knees praying for my husband in the corner of the room. I knew it wasn't good. They shocked him twice in front of me. By the time my friend's wife came to take me to the hospital, the ambulance had not left yet. I knew when the paramedic came over and told my friend to go ahead to the hospital that he was gone. I said it over and over in my head, but never aloud.

We spent what seemed like hours in the ER....it was less than 30 minutes. The nurse came and told us it wasn't looking good. The doctor came a little later and said it wasn't looking good. Just a few minutes later, he returned with those words you never imagine yourself hearing "I'm sorry, we did all we could....." NO! No, no, no. This is not happening. This is a bad dream! No!

Yesterday was 12 weeks since I cried those words. It gets harder and harder each day. God granted me numbness the first few weeks, but it has ever so slightly been easing away. The shock is wearing off in bigger chunks now. I cry more now. I miss him more and more each day. People ask me how I'm doing....I know they mean well. I say "ok" when I'm really not. Really, inside my heart is broken. I am empty, hollow, incomplete. Part of me died with him.

Having young children has forced me to continue with life. My faith is very strong, and I know this was part of God's plan. I don't like it. In fact, I hate it. But, I have no say in the course of my life. I prayed in recent months before how grateful I was to have my husband and my children. That how nothing was as important as them. We could lose all of our possessions, but we would survive.

I don't know how I will survive without him. Well, I do....with God. But it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make the pain lessen. It doesn't bring my best friend back. I have chosen to continue to raise our children how we had planned. I hope to see my son play professional baseball one day, and I hope to see my daughter singing on stage one day. Just without him....it will be bittersweet.

Comments for Forever Interrupted

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Jul 22, 2010
You're not alone
by: Heather

Your husband is with you and will always be.
It might be hard to imagine, but your husband is going to be sitting next to you when you're watching your son play professional ball and he will be with you when your daughter sings.
Just look at your children's eyes and you will see him looking back. I'm also recently widowed. I lost my husband 4 wks ago, from a long and hard battle of Cystic fibrosis, it's a childhood disease.

I met him when I was 16, we were together for 10 yrs. Count your blessings that you were able to have children, we never had a chance to.

Jul 22, 2010
Shock
by: Elise

I have just read your story Jennifer and my heart really does go out to you. I lost my Dad the same way in March this year! He had been complaining of chest pains for 6 months and the Doctors were only concentrating on lowering his blood pressure! I saw him on the Friday and he was happy, but not his usual self... which looking back, I instinctively knew something wasn't right. He died just over 24 hours later!

His last day and hours are a mystery to me. He dialed his own ambulance and my Mum had no idea what was happening. I got the dreaded phone call we all dread to say he was ill, but they wouldn't tell me over the phone what had happened. When I eventually got through to Mum I learned he had a massive heart attack. I couldn't see him as they were 'very busy'.

I was with Mum when they came in to break the news that we had lost him. Jennifer, I am so with you with the pain of hearing these words. My Mum was hysterical, and I was just numb with pain! I can't deal with this memory yet, just shelve it somewhere.... but I did go in to see him afterwards and wonder where he REALLY was. I had a dream not long afterwards and Dad cuddled me and said he had seen me! Was so beautiful!

The shock of losing a loved one so suddenly is so hard. At first it keeps you going, as it seems so unreal... but when it wears off, the loss is so overwhelming it's so hard. It's so frightening to realise your own and your loved one's mortality.

Like you, my Mum is so devastated to have lost the love of her life. But I truly believe that they live on.... watch for signs... they are always by our side and will show us. No matter how insignificant you may feel they are, or feel that you are just imagining it. You will know that it is them. One day, we will all get the answers we are looking for.

Your husband lives on in your memories and also in your children. They are a physical part of him, and they will live their lives for him, and I am certain that he will still be with each and every one of you every day.

The picture of you both is beautiful! It captures a truly happy and loving moment. You were blessed to have found your true love. Try to take comfort from knowing that you made him so very happy!

My thoughts are with you. I wish you the best and send my deepest and warmest wishes to you XXXX

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