Forgiveness and grief

by Helena

I’m suffering from what they call ‘anticipatory grief’. My dad spent the New Year’s Eve in the hospital in surgery and has very low chances of surviving. He has stage 4-bladder cancer and emphysema so he can’t breathe properly on his own.

I had a very traumatic childhood watching him be violent and very aggressive towards my mom and myself; I lived in constant fear and hatred for him ever since I was a little girl.

When I was old enough I ran away, moved to another country and spent years with no contact, didn’t speak or saw him for a very long time. He didn’t make any efforts to contact me either. I truly hated him.

After years of therapy I came to realize that he is mentally sick. He had such a tough childhood himself, of rejection and abuse. He didn’t know any better and couldn’t help himself. That’s when I started to have compassion and overcame the fear of calling him and hearing his voice. He was already very sick. When he said he loved me and he was going to miss me I broke down in tears.

I thought it would be easy for me considering the circumstances but the pain is unbelievably overwhelming. I just hope it goes away sooner than later because I feel like my heart is being stabbed several times and I can’t control the pain. I haven’t seen him in over 7 years and am so afraid of going to see him in person before he goes even though he can’t see me or talk to me. I really don’t know what to do!

Comments for Forgiveness and grief

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Jan 07, 2014
Thank you
by: Helena

Thank you for your kind and comforting words. I did come to see him and he passed one hour before I could get to the hospital. All I could see was a foot. My legs shook and it was like I lost the ground. It's been extremely difficult time. It's so painful! I hope he is in a better place now and that me and my family can get throught this hard time fast.

Jan 02, 2014
by: Anonymous

The only thing you should regret is something you did not do.
You should go seen him, for peace for yourself. Talk to him, forgive if you can, then you will have some kind of peace. That's what I think.

Jan 02, 2014
Forgiveness and grief
by: Doreen UK

Helena I am so sorry for your loss of your childhood and for the agonising and very painful memories of your father which still haunt you and still affecting your life.
It is very distressing to realise the pain inflicted on a human being which is bordering on evil and which never goes away. Your story is very torturous and haunting and I could feel the sadness in each word you used to describe the menacing memories of a life that was full of horror and pain. No one is making you do anything you don't want to just because this man was your father. Parents owe so much to the children they brought into this world and the child owes the parent only honour and respect which in many circumstances would be so hard to do given the circumstances. I do have some insight into pain and sadness of a life that has endured so much sorrow that makes life and living feel so impossible to bear. I too bear the scars of a life with a father who was treated so cruelly and went on to inflict the same pain to his own children without regard because he could not feel the pain. He became numb to what was normal and bearable. A sadness that permeated generations and seemed unstoppable. I empathise and sympathise with you what you endured and still going through. No one would hold it against you if you did not see your father before he passed from this world. Whatever decision you make must be the right one and if made must live with no regrets. There is no right or wrong decision to be made in these circumstances. Forgiveness is such a difficult act to complete and one can struggle with this all their life. But with therapy and time you can find a way forward which is right for you and not necessarily the right thing to do with where you are at in your emotional health. Whatever you decide. Be at Peace. Live with no regrets. Find a way to heal your heart and being that will lend you some Peace whilst you still have to live out your days. Don't let the memories haunt you forever and deprive you of life. Make your life better. The sadness in life is to have never known happiness. Grieve for your father who had never known this and didn't know any better till it had become too late. One can spend their whole life grieving. But someday grief has to end.

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