Forgiveness and grief
I’m suffering from what they call ‘anticipatory grief’. My dad spent the New Year’s Eve in the hospital in surgery and has very low chances of surviving. He has stage 4-bladder cancer and emphysema so he can’t breathe properly on his own.
I had a very traumatic childhood watching him be violent and very aggressive towards my mom and myself; I lived in constant fear and hatred for him ever since I was a little girl.
When I was old enough I ran away, moved to another country and spent years with no contact, didn’t speak or saw him for a very long time. He didn’t make any efforts to contact me either. I truly hated him.
After years of therapy I came to realize that he is mentally sick. He had such a tough childhood himself, of rejection and abuse. He didn’t know any better and couldn’t help himself. That’s when I started to have compassion and overcame the fear of calling him and hearing his voice. He was already very sick. When he said he loved me and he was going to miss me I broke down in tears.
I thought it would be easy for me considering the circumstances but the pain is unbelievably overwhelming. I just hope it goes away sooner than later because I feel like my heart is being stabbed several times and I can’t control the pain. I haven’t seen him in over 7 years and am so afraid of going to see him in person before he goes even though he can’t see me or talk to me. I really don’t know what to do!