Four Months and Holding
Four months today. I look back at the first four months and I don't know if I've really made much progress. The first 60 days were a numb blur of days just going by. The wake, the funeral, friends calling, cards coming in the mail, my house smelling like a funeral home from all the flowers, just barely making it through the holidays. All just a blur....
Then reality hit like a ton of bricks. My husband had been in the hospital the past year for as long as 8 weeks at a time. I think part of me didn't want to believe that he really wasn't coming back. He's dead~he's gone~he's not coming back. Panic, fear, loneliness, tears, tears and more tears.
People tell me he's here with me. I don't feel his presence at all and that worries me. I haven't had one dream about him since he died. I pray to have dreams of him but so far....nothing.
I pray daily for strength ~ that's all I can do. Right now I'm still having more bad days than good ones. I'm asking why did other patients get their much needed heart transplants and not Joe? I know I'm not suppose to question God but I've found myself doing that. Then I pray some more for God to renew my faith.
I miss him so much ~ then I realize I miss the old Joe ~ someone I didn't even have for the last two years of his life. The last two years were full of IV's ~ 15 medications each day ~ low sodium, low fat diets ~ congestive heart failure ~ oxygen ~ home health nurses ~ 4 trips to Chicago and back each week. I don't miss that but I do miss the hope we had for a new life. I miss his smile (he always had a positive attitude right up until his last day). I miss the, "I love you honey...I don't know what I would do without you." I still don't know what I'm going to do without him. I'm just trying to find my way ~ my new normal.
I know with God's help I'll make it through. I just need to take it 1 breath, 1 step at a time.