Four Months and Holding

by TrishJ

Four months today. I look back at the first four months and I don't know if I've really made much progress. The first 60 days were a numb blur of days just going by. The wake, the funeral, friends calling, cards coming in the mail, my house smelling like a funeral home from all the flowers, just barely making it through the holidays. All just a blur....
Then reality hit like a ton of bricks. My husband had been in the hospital the past year for as long as 8 weeks at a time. I think part of me didn't want to believe that he really wasn't coming back. He's dead~he's gone~he's not coming back. Panic, fear, loneliness, tears, tears and more tears.
People tell me he's here with me. I don't feel his presence at all and that worries me. I haven't had one dream about him since he died. I pray to have dreams of him but so far....nothing.
I pray daily for strength ~ that's all I can do. Right now I'm still having more bad days than good ones. I'm asking why did other patients get their much needed heart transplants and not Joe? I know I'm not suppose to question God but I've found myself doing that. Then I pray some more for God to renew my faith.
I miss him so much ~ then I realize I miss the old Joe ~ someone I didn't even have for the last two years of his life. The last two years were full of IV's ~ 15 medications each day ~ low sodium, low fat diets ~ congestive heart failure ~ oxygen ~ home health nurses ~ 4 trips to Chicago and back each week. I don't miss that but I do miss the hope we had for a new life. I miss his smile (he always had a positive attitude right up until his last day). I miss the, "I love you honey...I don't know what I would do without you." I still don't know what I'm going to do without him. I'm just trying to find my way ~ my new normal.
I know with God's help I'll make it through. I just need to take it 1 breath, 1 step at a time.

Comments for Four Months and Holding

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Apr 04, 2011
To Donna
by: TrishJ

I too pray and ask God to let Joe come to me to let me know he is OK. We know in our hearts that is what we are supposed to believe and I really do. I couldn't get by if I didn't. I keep hoping.....I will pray for you too.

Apr 04, 2011
Four Months and Holding
by: Annie

I too am at the four month mark and do not feel my husband's presence and have had only one dream about him and it was more of a nightmare instead of a good one. As my grief counselor stated "dreams will come when you are ready for them. There is no set timeline for them and everyone goes through grief on a different schedule than others". It has been so hard for me because nothing about this grief fits into a schedule. I so want to put in my appointment book when the last day will be I do not have any fear, the date when I stop crying, when this exhaustion will ease, when the loneliness eases and I am okay with being by myself, etc. I have now realized that I have to take each moment, hour and day as it comes and that has helped me.

I ran across this Hopi prayer that has helped me and hope it does you also: Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not here. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on the ripened grain. I am the gentle Autumn's rain. When you awaken in the morning hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die.

Apr 04, 2011
Four months and holding
by: M Mack


I hear ya and the 4 months was my worst time on this path. You are being more logical than I was at that time and that's great. You wouldn't want him to live with this illness, pain and suffering. That's really not living and now, he's free from it in peace.
You will dream of him when he can visit you. He is with you but your not feeling it -don't take this wrong but I have gotten a little help from channelling. I did not lose my faith and know there are reasons why these things happen. I also believe we will know in due time. This has given me some inspiration and hope for my life. I finally feel comforted and getting signs, dreams and many coincidences of things known only to him and I.
Trust your instincts and logic of why he's gone. He loves you very much and wants you to be happy. Keep writing here and send him a love letter. He will respond in some way. Take care of yourself and try to feel better. My prayers and hope for all of us.

Apr 04, 2011
Four months and holding
by: Donna

Trish, It has been 8 months and 11 days and I still have not dreamed about Bryan. I have prayed and begged for God to allow Bryan to visit me in my dreams and for me to remember the dream. There are times that I feel, what I would like to think, is his presence. I miss him so much, I always will. I too wish that I could have Bryan back, the old Bryan, the Bryan that was mine to have and to hold for 26 years, not the Bryan that was in alot of pain. I have had some mediocre days, not bad days but not good days. I guess that is a step in the direction of my new unwanted life, at least I don't bawl every day for hours upon end any more. My thoughts and many prayers are with you and all of us that come to this site. As always, Bryan until we meet again, I go one step one breath one day at a time

Apr 03, 2011
Hang on your going to be o.k
by: Hope


As caregivers it feels as if we lost our loves twice. They were taken at first when sickness came and changed their lives and ours.
We never knew when the next ER visit was and were on the edge of fear at all times. Yet we did it didn't we? That is why it seems so unreal that we handled that yet cannot get through the final death of our love.

Once upon a time... that was us before grief. Now we feel cheated that we will not grow old together and no more happily ever after. That does not mean that you can not or will not make a life for yourself. One day you will find yourself smiling a genuine smile have a genuine laugh. Not the one we paste on our face frozen and unreal. You have a lot of wisdom in your writing and have the right attitude. You will eventually come out the other end of grief.

It is not easy it is the hardest thing that I have ever done and I know that others have managed before me to somehow begin again and you will too. Let grief happen and hold on the the few days that feel o.k. Later there will be less bad days I promise. Don't look so far into the future just take on one day at a time. Then it won't feel so overwhelming and impossible.

My best always...

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