Four Years

by Zoe

It is almost four years since my beloved John died.
I write this for those just beginning the journey of grief, and think you will not survive. I didn't think I would, I didn't want to quite frankly. The pain changes, eventually you start to try to find the new person you are, because the person that was five minutes before you lost your beloved no longer exists.
You look at today, I don't plan for the future, I don't think about it, because there is no way to say how or what it will be. It does not make you wild and untamed, it makes you an echo, bouncing between the life you had and the life you planned. And in the end isn't that the thing that scares us, we had a plan, we worked for it and then poof. like a candle it is blown away and there is darkness.
I still bounce between not caring about death and being terrified of it. I so desperately want to know, but I know I can't. See that is the essence of this loss, we stand and scream why........... the answer is why not. there is no answer there is no justification, you can hold on to faith or belief or memories.. but we are devoid of an actual answer. I had someone tell me once, if you had an answer, if you knew exactly what or when or why, how would you live.. how would you choose. Seen not knowing, allows us choice. My first choice was cutting my hair (its long again btw, john was right) I have dated recently, but every time the measure is against John. But that's ok, I am ok alone. I do not live with the Ghost of John but I exist with his memory, and I am ok with that.
Remember this is like being on the ocean, you will get thrown in and out of grief..
but when you need to and especially now
One breath, one step one day at a time

Comments for Four Years

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Feb 08, 2014
Thank you
by: Debby

Dear Zoe,
Your comment was so helpful to me. Everything you wrote is what I am feeling right now. My plan, OUR plan is gone. My husband passed away January 9 this year, my birthday was January 24th. I hated it, I wished that it was me who died. I can't stand the pain. Now we have Valentine's Day. I went grocery shopping today and went down the aisle with all the candy and stuff. I had to fight back the tears, no love to buy for. A rose at the grave is all I have to give now. Just too sad for words. He was my whole life. After 33 years of marriage we still laughed and talked all time. We didn't go out with other couples because we'd get home and say that WE didn't get to talk to each other, so we stopped double dating. God I just miss him so much. I have had a cancer diagnosis and wonder who will be there to hold my hand if it should return. Sometimes I wish it would so that I can go meet him. I pray for Jesus to give me strength to get thru another day and I know my husband is watching and saying to me to take care of myself. I'll only do it for him, because he loved me.

Feb 04, 2014
Always wondering
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous you are so right. Here one minute and then gone. It almost seems unbelievable. I lost my husband to cancer 21months ago and I still feel as if this is so surreal. I have had strong beliefs and Faith all my life, but I was faced with so many questions and not many answers. But as you say we can't have the answers to the exam before we sit it. Life is a mystery but God has given us many of the answers in His word. Life was Perfect before Adam and Eve sinned and brought a curse on life which is why we die and women suffer in childbirth and man has to work for a living. But God did not like it that His creation would die and remain dead so God sent his son to this earth to die for us so that we can have eternal life. We just have to accept this as a Gift. We will then according to promise be re-united with our loved ones again. This is our only HOPE. Otherwise as you say. Why are we here? So many people are LOST and so end up on DRUGS to block out the pain of going nowhere with No Hope. If only they would look up and God direct their life they would manage it better. I am fortunate I had this grounding from a child. I have not had an easy life. Because the way of the cross is hard. But knowing we Have a loving God to take us through makes all the difference. Our trials and tribulations come to develop our character and make us stronger. Hold on to God. Hold on to life. Take one day at a time and WAIT ON GOD. He is coming back for us and I dwell on this every day. The earth is not our Home. WE are just passing through. Look heavenward, and have HOPE IN YOUR HEART. God be with you and guide you through life with comfort and His Peace.

Feb 03, 2014
always wondering
by: Anonymous

I lost my partner just over two years ago. I find when I close my eyes and think of him he comes to life and then when I open them again I am stabbed in the heart with disbelief that he has actually died.
I don't think I will ever be able to fully accept it.
It's just so damn hard to believe they can be here one minute talking to us and the next they've gone forever.
Where are they? This question seems to be on my mind always now. So many questions and no answers, just faith we will be reunited one day, somehow. Otherwise what is life all about. We are just born and die and that's it? I find that hard to believe.
Someone once said to me we will never know while we are here, if we did it would be like being given the answers to an exam before you sit the test.

Feb 01, 2014
Four Years
by: Doreen UK

Zoe I am sorry for your loss of John. Grief is different for all of us, as we have different histories. But the perception is the same. It can throw us up and down and sideways. WE do feel as if we will never recover from this pain as it is like nothing we could ever imagine. We can make simple choices in our life. We daren't think of death whilst we live because it would spoil things, so we just wait till it happens. It is only then our world changes and we get/understand this life and death package. Death is scary especially when one buries their loved one and sees them go into the ground. This is the awful part of grief even though we know the person we laid to rest does not feel anything. I understand your perception of Choice and if we knew what would happen in life "How would we live?" I guess we would live exactly the same way till this explosion of death visited us and changed our perception and gave us more questions than answers.
We have many easy decisions in life and more complex ones. But we always have the power of CHOICE. Even if we don't have all the answers. WE don't need to know. WE learn as we go on. WE adopt many ways of living from our nurturing/past. And many we adopt from living with our spouse. WE can become frightened by life or see it as an adventure. Sharing on this site we each bring our own contribution to the table and each experience and expression of our grief is to be respected even if we can't understand it. We live. We Die. We cry. WE feel the same grief pain. WE each take different journey's after grief. Unique to us. Some have Faith. But we all have memories. WE Scream, Feel Angry. But to carry on with HOPE is a CHOICE.
Hope we see our loved ones again. Hope we get through each day. Hope we can laugh again without feeling guilty. Hope we can make the right choices for ourselves moving forward. There will always be HOPE in our grief journey. But to end all HOPES. Mine is to see Jesus come back to this earth and receive us to himself and re-unite us with our lost loved one's where we will have no more death, sorrow, fear, misery, complex decisions to make, anger, fear. WE will live in the land we were meant to before SIN entered this world and changed it forever. Sadly we still have to live in this world. BUT. WE get to choose our destination.

Jan 31, 2014
by: Lawrence

Thank you for your contribution; to be honest it made very sad reading and screams out your heartache and suffering at the loss of your beloved John.
It is just over a year since my deeply cherished wife died after spending a lifetime together and I am over the worst I hope, the pain isn’t as acute and the tears don’t fall so easily but I only achieved this by keeping away from my very empty, lonely house and doing things I would never have dreamed of doing when we were a pair, like learning to play bridge, we were never card players just reveled in each other’s company, having violin lessons when the last one I had was in 1943 during the war and many other activities.
As for dating, well that is definitely out, but I am a lot older than you I assume, but my wife was the first girl I ever kissed when she was fourteen and the last on her deathbed when she was eighty two, and truthfully I just can’t see myself holding another hand or kissing other lips, but I do deeply admire you for trying and I hope you find a man who will compare favorably to John although perhaps that person doesn’t exist and you should look for a man who stands in his own shoes.
Your comments will be read and re=read by many bereaved people and I know you have done what you intended, to let us see that there is a life ahead after losing the person we loved so much.
Once again, many thanks, and keep well

Jan 31, 2014
by: Anonymous

I lost my adult son 10 months ago, and I still think about him all the time. He is on my mind when I go to sleep and when I wake up. Its just something I can't understand. Why have I lost him. He didn't live long enough to get married or have children, and I will forever miss him. Even getting together with my other children, I see him missing. He was the one that made everything fun. We were always glad when he showed up. There is a true void now. I suppose my life will never truly be happy again. Losing a child is the worst...

Jan 31, 2014
Four Years
by: Judith in California

Hi Zoe, I often wonder how you and Hope and Pat from WI and Pat from NV are. You all were so supportive to me when I first came to this site at the time my husband passed.

It does seem that as time passes we miss them more becasue the loss really sinks. We find ourselves at a standstill of sorts tho we are making an effort to move forward. We have a deep emotional connection to our past with our loved one that just will not be disconnected by time. I still have not donated his clothes. Doing that would make it so final.

I, like you, have had about 3 dates and like yours, they fail because they don't measure up to our mates.

I still pray for all of you and hope you will live a good life regardless of the loss. We can't let it define us tho. I make an attempt to best focus on the moment and not make plans because we all know too well our plans can be thwarted in a second. It's like we are in limbo waiting for our someone who won't return.

Please stay in touch Zoe. Take care of you.I pray for emotional peace for all of us.

Jan 31, 2014
Your loss
by: Marge

My loss is different, but losing a loved one is very difficult. When a loved one dies, such as your loved one, John, it leaves a void in your life. You will always think of what could have been. I lost my youngest son, Philip, on Feb. 10, 2012 and it will be two years next month. He was only 50 and I was 78 at the time. I always ask - why him and not me as I have lived most of my life and there just aren't any answers. Four years may seem like a long time to some, but to you it seems like yesterday. I am still struggling with my loss and find it difficult to continue without him. Luckily, I have an older son and daughter and six beautiful granddaughters in my life, so that is helpful. Keep memories of your loved one in your thoughts and I pray that you will be able to cope with your loss although never forget your beloved John.

Marge (Silver Spring, MD)

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