It is almost four years since my beloved John died.
I write this for those just beginning the journey of grief, and think you will not survive. I didn't think I would, I didn't want to quite frankly. The pain changes, eventually you start to try to find the new person you are, because the person that was five minutes before you lost your beloved no longer exists.
You look at today, I don't plan for the future, I don't think about it, because there is no way to say how or what it will be. It does not make you wild and untamed, it makes you an echo, bouncing between the life you had and the life you planned. And in the end isn't that the thing that scares us, we had a plan, we worked for it and then poof. like a candle it is blown away and there is darkness.
I still bounce between not caring about death and being terrified of it. I so desperately want to know, but I know I can't. See that is the essence of this loss, we stand and scream why........... the answer is why not. there is no answer there is no justification, you can hold on to faith or belief or memories.. but we are devoid of an actual answer. I had someone tell me once, if you had an answer, if you knew exactly what or when or why, how would you live.. how would you choose. Seen not knowing, allows us choice. My first choice was cutting my hair (its long again btw, john was right) I have dated recently, but every time the measure is against John. But that's ok, I am ok alone. I do not live with the Ghost of John but I exist with his memory, and I am ok with that.
Remember this is like being on the ocean, you will get thrown in and out of grief..
but when you need to and especially now
One breath, one step one day at a time