by Judith In California
It's hard to believe 4 years have gone by since my Chuck's passing. 35 1/2 years of sharing a life , no more. The void still deep within me. Tears still come but not as often.
going out is no different than it was the second year. No one asks how are you really.
Just the superficial way and then they move on. Still only one of 5 step children calls or remembers my birthday. My Son who I can't get through to is still disrespectful making the emptiness more noticeable. Yes, I garden, dance, watch endless amounts of movies, clean house go out to the mall to sit with friends or go out to dine. My sisters call, one doesn't mind listening to me about my grief, two don't want to hear it and change the subject.
At the end of the day it is still lonely, I still love him and miss him and I've yet to do the hard part of donating his nice clothes and shoes. That's just so final isn't it.
I have photo albums I rarely look at but do have photos up of us.
Dreams come more often of him. At first there were so few.
Holidays come and go with no celebration or excitement.
I still see my therapist monthly just to check in on my mental health to talk of my grief feelings and my son. I told her last time that it''s also because Chuck and I had seen her together and I need to sit in places he did. Is that crazy? There are so many places he and I used to go that are no longer there and I feel as if our past is all gone but in my head.
I have had guys say why don't we meet for a drink or dinner but they never call. It is actually scary to think about in today's world anyway. Friends ask if I have met anyone , my answer is always the same "I'm not looking". Too many scammers and horror stories about them and the widows they deceive.
I am strong and have done so many things on my own as I did before but nothing can stop that inner sadness we all feel. It just is what it is. God has still blessed me in many ways and I am thankful every day no matter what.
I come here to this site often to offer some life lesson ideas/advice to those who have relationship problems and to comfort those who have been widowed. It's where I find some solace , when helping others.
I pray you all are fairing better or will in time.