Four Years

by Judith In California
(USA)

It's hard to believe 4 years have gone by since my Chuck's passing. 35 1/2 years of sharing a life , no more. The void still deep within me. Tears still come but not as often.
going out is no different than it was the second year. No one asks how are you really.
Just the superficial way and then they move on. Still only one of 5 step children calls or remembers my birthday. My Son who I can't get through to is still disrespectful making the emptiness more noticeable. Yes, I garden, dance, watch endless amounts of movies, clean house go out to the mall to sit with friends or go out to dine. My sisters call, one doesn't mind listening to me about my grief, two don't want to hear it and change the subject.
At the end of the day it is still lonely, I still love him and miss him and I've yet to do the hard part of donating his nice clothes and shoes. That's just so final isn't it.
I have photo albums I rarely look at but do have photos up of us.

Dreams come more often of him. At first there were so few.
Holidays come and go with no celebration or excitement.

I still see my therapist monthly just to check in on my mental health to talk of my grief feelings and my son. I told her last time that it''s also because Chuck and I had seen her together and I need to sit in places he did. Is that crazy? There are so many places he and I used to go that are no longer there and I feel as if our past is all gone but in my head.

I have had guys say why don't we meet for a drink or dinner but they never call. It is actually scary to think about in today's world anyway. Friends ask if I have met anyone , my answer is always the same "I'm not looking". Too many scammers and horror stories about them and the widows they deceive.

I am strong and have done so many things on my own as I did before but nothing can stop that inner sadness we all feel. It just is what it is. God has still blessed me in many ways and I am thankful every day no matter what.

I come here to this site often to offer some life lesson ideas/advice to those who have relationship problems and to comfort those who have been widowed. It's where I find some solace , when helping others.

I pray you all are fairing better or will in time.

Comments for Four Years

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Sep 28, 2014
Hi Judith, I need your help!
by: Jennie

Please click on "The Grief Club" button on the left for access to the new Forum. We want to keep this great online grief resource going and need your help! Please re-post this or put a new submission there. All your friends are waiting...
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Note to Judith:

Could you please contact me via "Contact Us" button to the left? I need your help for the transition, and have a gift for you. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Sep 14, 2014
admiration
by: Lawrence

Hi Judith,
Your contribution to this web site screams out your courage, determination and ability to cope with losing your beloved Chuck, you have my deepest admiration at the way you are living your life.
I am just entering my twenty first month without the girl I knew and loved, from being an awkward teenager, to now a very old man and I cherish every single moment I had with her, our relationship and adoration of each other was a gift from God, and to spend seventy years together was almost a miracle, no, not almost, WAS a miracle..
As you so clearly put it ,”at the end of the day it’s still very lonely” and it is, every night the same, although being a musician I spend many hours practicing and composing and being a writer I have many novels yet to write, but there is no one to proofread my books or hear me play my music, which is so sad, and there are still some love songs I composed I can’t play without bursting into tears.
But, life goes on and I try, like you, to fill my days doing so many things I would never have dreamt doing when my precious wife was alive, like for instance learning to play bridge which taxed my brain to the limit but I’m so glad I persevered and can now hold my own with experienced players
I have weekly violin lessons, I don’t know why as I said, she is not with me to hear,but playing difficult concerto’s helps to pass the lonely hours.
Regarding Chuck’s clothes, I was driving somewhere when I received the clear message “Time to take my clothes to the charity shop” I wouldn’t have dreamt of ignoring her, so I drove home, filled ten black plastic bags with all her clothes and underwear and took them to the charity shop, without shedding a single tear, although when I returned home and looked in the empty wardrobes I wept heartbreaking tears that I won’t be choosing anymore clothes with her.
Your letter, Judith, made me realize although the pain and tears never really ends, life does go on, that is if you can call it a life without the person we loved more than life itself, so many thanks and keep writing.
Take care
Lawrence

Sep 14, 2014
Doreen
by: Judith in California

Doreen, am sorry you have been sick. I pray your tests go well. Thank you for your support and kind words. It is most difficult to deal with sickness of our own knowing our loves will not be taking us, being concerned for us and waiting for us to take us home and help us deal with whatever outcome things are.
I so enjoy reading your post to help otheres. You are one of the best comforters along with Lawrence. Most of the others who were so actively supportive 4 years ago have all but stopped writing . I hope that means they are getting along well.

Yes, it's only one day at a time for us . WE know we are best that way. Plans have a way of being interrupted.

I like your reference to hamburger and steak. I can relate. Chuck was filet mignon.

God be with you Doreen and do update as to how you are.

Sep 13, 2014
Four Years
by: Doreen UK

Judith it is good to hear from you. I can understand and echo what you say even though it is 2yrs.4months since I lost Steve. There is not a day goes by when you don't have some thought of your beloved husband and how life is now.
We know all the things to do in life like getting out and showing the world we are moving forward whilst secretly hurt that you can't be yourself and tell it like it is. Only when one has experienced a loss of a spouse will they get it and know it isn't easy to move forward no matter how hard we try. I am just recovering from a bad attack of pneumonia and asthma. In 2 weeks I will undergo a batch of tests for lung function and heart. This is the time I miss Steve being here for me and staying with me at the hospital.
When Steve died I knew he wouldn't use his clothing again so I forced myself to detach from what I was doing and so got those clothes out of the house and to a charity. I still have Steve's cowboy boots and leather waistcoat and all his personal effects like C.D's. jewellery etc left and cannot deal with this yet. I think there is always a right time to do this, and you will get that gut feeling when it is right for you to do this task of disposing of your husband's clothing.
Only you can decide this. No one else has the right to tell you what to do. I don't know if us as widows will ever feel comfortable with our lives without our husband's who gave our life meaning, security, and the emotional well being that one needs from a relationship and the companionship that makes life meaningful. WE do try and we will always feel that degree of emptiness and loneliness without our other half.
Technically we will always feel incomplete. WE also have the right to say NO TO having another man in our life again despite what people say. For me it is like STEAK versus HAMBURGER. There will always be this comparison when you have had the best. No use complicating our lives again till we know better from the days ahead. I still can only take ONE DAY AT A TIME. I also have one out of 4 sisters who is supportive and understanding. And one in Australia who is living a very good social life. I am happy for her. Her new life as a widow is inspiring. But we can't all have the social networks to help make life meaningful. Here in the U.K. we don't have the climate to get out and socialise as one would do in Australia. But I manage with what I have. It boils down to how we feel inside. I wish you all the best in life and hope that life treats you well. I look forward to reading your posts. God be with you and comfort your always. He is our Comforter and our Present help in all our troubles. God Bless!

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