Where do I begin? Every day is filled with different emotions... I lost my dad to bone cancer which spread to his lungs and took his life February 6, 2009. He battled this choking disease for nearly 20 years. He's been through so much for so long, that I had my hopes so high, that I just believed he could make it. That cancer couldn't conquer him. I can't believe it's been 8 months... Time goes on; It goes on and doesn't stop for anyone, no matter how much I wish it would go back.
I feel like there are so many changes, I don't always know how to deal with them all. I live in Hammond and go to school while my mom lives and works in Slidell. I don't go home often to see her. It's so hard for me to come home on the weekends.
Just knowing that this house, was where I watched my father decay, day by day... I feel so much regret because I didn't want to be home a lot as well. Eventually the days got so bad for him he was bedridden, and the only time he got out of the house was to numerous weekly doctors visits, which did absolutely nothing to absolve his pain. I've never seen him so broken; so fragile, and it scared the hell out of me. During his last months he lost so much muscle and began to swell horribly.
What sucked is he died 3 days after his 48th birthday, and he was in the hospital for it. If you've ever had to watch someone die, it's the most heart wrenching, disbelieving thing you'll ever experience. What hurt the most was hearing no heart beat and still holding his warm hand.
Lately I've been having bad dreams every night I sleep, unless if I'm with my boyfriend. No matter how hard I try to think about happy things or anything to divert my attention to something positive, it just doesn't work.
The other night I dreamt that my dad came back as a ghost and haunted me. Not to try and scare me, but he was there, and he was... partially decomposed. He stood there and talked to me about how hard it was for him having cancer. I can't remember much else except I was hysterical in my dream and no sound came out of my mouth, no matter how hard I cried.