From best friend to lover after her passing

by Angie Brown
(Douglasville Ga. us)

Hi, my best friend of 30 yrs. loss his wife to cancer just 7months ago! We did not see or hear from each other for about 8yrs and then out of the blue i see him on facebook and we connected again. I had no idea his long time girlfriend of 20yrs (common law wife) had been going threw hell fighting cancer. He was there for her every step of the way loving her more and more each day and when the day came when God called her home, he contacted me again to let me know she had pasted. After a month pasted he called me and we talked for what seemed like forever and the next thing i knew he was outside of my work place and needing a friend like never before. We have been together every since that day. I left my job and family and moved with him back to his home 8hrs away. It started out to be just 2 best friends helping each other threw tough times and now we live together like husband and wife. We live in the same home he bought for his wife before she pasted and now its been 5months since we have been together and i see him more and more everyday missing her. He sleeps whenever he is not working we dont go anywhere and he still has her stuff in the closet and bathroom and all over the house. He trys to get me to try her clothes on and wear her makeup and so on!!!I too now am in a state of depression where i feel like a 3rd wheel. I love him so much and always have and i dont want to be disrespectful in any way to her memory.. How do I help the man i love so much move on when he still misses and wants his loss one back? I dont want him to use me as just a body to hold at night so he can dream of her how can i help him move on. If this is disrespectful to either of them by asking for help then im sorry and really dont mean to be!!!! If someone out there can help me help him I will be forever greatful!!!


Comments for From best friend to lover after her passing

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May 10, 2013
Too soon, but with a good heart
by: Anthony C

Reading through your letter and the replies it is obvious that you are a very compassionate person who wants to help out a friend in need,

However, as others have said, the heart was ruling the mind and it happened too quickly. All mentioned by others hold true.

There is something i would like to add, though. If you do continue in the future to see and date him, ( assuming that all that has happened is sorted out) - i guess that you will have to be aware prepared that it will be a love triangle - not in the manner of your being a third wheel, but that he will love her just as much as he loves you - and it will be like that. He is obviously deeply in love with her ( as i am with my late wife) and longs for her - but he will eventually not be looking for a replacement, but a new love. ( i hope)

Few can have this outlook and accept it, but if you are one of them, your future relationship will be blessed!

May 10, 2013
From best friend to lover after her passing
by: Doreen U.K.

Angie because you loved this man your heart ruled your head and you moved too quickly to have a life with him. In reality you are not having the life you want or need. I am not surprised you are suffering depression.
You are being USED. You are both using each other for comfort and with you hoping for a future you don't think is going to happen now. It is most unhealthy mentally, and emotionally and in every way for this man to ask you to try on his wife's clothes and make-up. He is trying to re-create his lost wife in you. This behaviour is bizarre and destructive to a relationship that should be healthy. There is nothing wrong with comforting this man. But just look at what is being asked of you in this relationship in the way of comfort. I am sure you know it is not normal and you don't like this part of what is going on which is why you have sought help. The best way you can help this man is to get him an appointment to see a grief counsellor. You can't be the one to help him. I agree with the other two replies to you. Move out of his house. The sooner the better. Live your life better than this. Find a man who will love you for yourself not to live in the shadows of his wife he has lost. If you stay you will lose your identity. You will then be the one needing professional help. You meant well. but you didn't know then what he would ask of you. This is where it has all gone wrong. I am sure you must realise this. This type of relationship will destroy you. Another thing you could do is to get a couple or so of sessions with a grief counsellor to help you cope with this early depression. You will then be able to move forward and realise this relationship is so wrong.

May 10, 2013
he's lost
by: Anonymous

Angie, don't feel bad or guilty. 7 months is only the early stages of grief still. We all react differently and you have been there for him.
Maybe you should move out of his house for the time being and stay close to him still though. He needs to spend some time grieving alone, but knowing your not far away will help him.
I did something similar when my partner passed. I was so lost and in so much pain. A friend I had known for a long time became more than just a friend about 6 months after, but all of a sudden I realised in my grief that I was wanting my partner and it was very unfair of me to try and replace him with my friend. During the first 12 months of my grief I had no idea what I wanted or what I was doing. I was lost, confused, lonely and hurting terribly.
This sounds like what is going on with your friend. He needs time to grieve alone I feel.
Don't feel guilty, grief makes us act and do very strange things. We aren't our selves, we're lost.
Give it time. But I really do think it would be better to move out of the house but stay close by for him.
The early stages of grief are intense, almost like your not on this planet and are living in a nightmare.
Good luck.

May 09, 2013
Help is Here
by: Judith in California

Angie,unfortunately you're not going to like what I have to say. He acted too soon in asking you to live with him. He needed time to heal and deal with the loss. 7 months is way too soon for him. He was missing what he used to have and thought you could fill the void he is feeling. You won't be ale to do that not this soon and he needs time to emotionally deal with his loss. It's too soon for him to put away her things or pictures and he shouldn't not this early in the grieving process and you should not push him to do so if you truly want him in his grieving fog.

You must not out on her clothes and you must let him know that you feel uncomfortable with it. IF you can you should move out and tell him lovingly that you feel he acted too soon. He was lonely and missing his ex. I think most of us who have lost our mates would tell you the same thing.

It's been 2 1/2 years for me and It's still too soon to get involved seriously with someone for most of us. i still have my husbands clothes and just an't let them go yet. That's the final thing we do. You may want to read articles on grieving and the stages of grief.
You are opening yourself up to a lot of hurt to continue right now living with him. It's unfair of him to you to put you in this situation.
He has not let himself face his loss and he thought if you moved in life could go on as if nothing happened. HE may not realize what he has done but he is using you and it wont get better. It's best you bow out now and tell him if it is real then when he has come to terms with his loss then you'll be there but you need to live your life until then if it happens. If you find yourselves giving more than you're getting it's not worth it. When you have to give up who you are and what you want to be in a relationship then it's the wrong relationship. You need a plan B like find a job, move out, move on with your life . HE IS NOT READY NOW.

RIght now you can't do anything to help him. he needs to face it full on.

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