Gay Widower in Denver

by Jerry

My partner of 7 years died in my arms June 8 2012. I’m happy that his suffering and pain from being eaten alive by diabetes is finally over. I’m grateful for the medical care we received, for the loving hospice team and for the support and love we were able and willing to provide each other.

Now I’m left alone to find a new normal and it isn’t going very well. Nothing could ever have prepared me for the devastating loneliness and sense of loss. I never thought I could feel this empty, sober. I was willing to lose my partner, understanding that physics still apply but I did not sign-up for the changes in my life and for feeling that I have to rebuild myself yet again at 44. I have no friends because I moved to Denver for a job 5 years ago and since then all I’ve done is work and take care of my partner. Now all I have is work (which is now ending due to change in ownership) and long, endless evenings and weekends on the sofa with my dog; we stare at the ceiling and sometimes we cry. My diet is Cheetos and haagen dazs just trying to keep myself from crawling into a bottle – but then why not since there is no one in my life to drive away or hurt. Sometimes the grief seems bearable and then out of nowhere – blam it hits me like a ton of bricks and takes over my life again – permeating every thought and moment with a darkness and emptiness that even I find surprising.

The biggest disappointment is how people who were in our lives back in Texas have forgotten all about me – some never even reached out once and they have no idea how much that hurts me. I find myself in a hole with no resources to get myself out. I need friends and I need someone who gets it but I don’t have the ability to find or create that now. I never thought I would want my own life to end so much and it probably would have if not for my dog. I love and resent him equally for saving my life.

Comments for Gay Widower in Denver

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Mar 04, 2013
Your loss
by: Kate

I am so sorry you have this hard grief walk. I lost my son who was 39 in Nov. how I loved him! How I miss him! He was a gay man but I love my son period. The loss is just as you describe.
It is so hard.i know your was your partner but our pain is all the same. My heart goes out to you. I can feel your emptiness. I think maybe grief counseling would help is so hard to bear with others who know. The dog will help you go on. Your life will be different but you can do it.we all on here are struggling to go on over our heartaches. It is not easy but tho we are only on cyber space we care. Take one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. I'm in Texas ,caring.

Mar 02, 2013
Gay Widower in Denver
by: Doreen U.K.

Jerry you are in the same place as the rest of us with a Grief so huge it swallows us up. Nothing and no one could prepare us for what Death does to those left behind. The pain is so unbearable. You have to give yourself the time and space to process where you are going next with your life. But give yourself the permission to do whatever you want. If you want to do nothing. That is what you do. You will find that each day is different. Some days you can do little and some days do a lot or nothing. I am in this place and comfortable with it. I don't let anyone dictate to me what I could or should be doing. I lost my beloved husband 10 months ago to a deadly cancer. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and this all the memories I have. THE CANCER JOURNEY. All the ups and downs. Watching a former body builder shrivel and die emaciated. My Gentle Giant. I loved him with every Fibre of my being for 44yrs. I felt like dying days after his passing. But I have responsibilities to my daughter living at home. I get by each day. I don't look too far ahead. Forgive me for saying that I would have thought it would have been easier for a Guy to move forward because they are naturally more outgoing and always in Work so they are out of the house as opposed to A Widow like me who is retired and no husband now to have this retirement with. So I do have Lonely days ahead.
Jerry I am so happy you have your dog. I miss my pets but not ready to have any more. They are the dearest darlings to have around. You will get your life back in time. You will meet new people and build up new relationships again. Only problem is you have to go and do the work to put this in place. this is the hardest part. Do this when you are ready. As for losing people from your life after the funeral. This is The New Normal. Most people have said the same thing. After the funeral people disappear out of your life. The phone calls stop. Relatives and Friends don't keep in touch as often as we hoped. It adds to our Grief. There will come a day when they go through the same Grief of Loss. Then they will get it. May even come looking for you. Start with going out to a diner, tavern, club, or even McDonalds. Make conversation. Break that isolation you are in. Skype someone. Build on this each day till you are doing something different for yourself. Build up new memories as and how you want this to take shape in your life. Maybe even go to Church if you are inclined and you will meet people. You will one day build new friendships in your life. But where you are now is Normal. We all feel the same way on this site. I hope life gets better for you in the days ahead and that your life will start to improve and your grief get less over time. You will always have your good memories of your partner and your life together. Best wishes

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