Gay Widower in Denver
My partner of 7 years died in my arms June 8 2012. I’m happy that his suffering and pain from being eaten alive by diabetes is finally over. I’m grateful for the medical care we received, for the loving hospice team and for the support and love we were able and willing to provide each other.
Now I’m left alone to find a new normal and it isn’t going very well. Nothing could ever have prepared me for the devastating loneliness and sense of loss. I never thought I could feel this empty, sober. I was willing to lose my partner, understanding that physics still apply but I did not sign-up for the changes in my life and for feeling that I have to rebuild myself yet again at 44. I have no friends because I moved to Denver for a job 5 years ago and since then all I’ve done is work and take care of my partner. Now all I have is work (which is now ending due to change in ownership) and long, endless evenings and weekends on the sofa with my dog; we stare at the ceiling and sometimes we cry. My diet is Cheetos and haagen dazs just trying to keep myself from crawling into a bottle – but then why not since there is no one in my life to drive away or hurt. Sometimes the grief seems bearable and then out of nowhere – blam it hits me like a ton of bricks and takes over my life again – permeating every thought and moment with a darkness and emptiness that even I find surprising.
The biggest disappointment is how people who were in our lives back in Texas have forgotten all about me – some never even reached out once and they have no idea how much that hurts me. I find myself in a hole with no resources to get myself out. I need friends and I need someone who gets it but I don’t have the ability to find or create that now. I never thought I would want my own life to end so much and it probably would have if not for my dog. I love and resent him equally for saving my life.