A day of happiness with the love of my life
Right now it’s dark outside and another day has passed without my beloved George. How do I live when I’m numb with no energy. Or maybe a better way to describe this pain I’m feeling is a numbness with pins and needles running through my heart and an anxious lack of energy…there are no words to describe this pain but whatever it is I hurt more than I could ever imagine.
Eight days ago I lost my soul-mate George. The love of my life, the person that made me complete, the person that always brought a smile to my face, gave me warm and fuzzy feelings, the person that fit me like a worn out shoe and the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I felt so complete around him. After so many years of my life never finding that one right person, I finally found my soul mate.
All I can think to do is write to cope with the terrible pain that I feel inside to keep his memory alive. But I’m afraid to think about our life together because when I allow myself to think of the little things that made me completely adore him and unconditionally love him it hurts so very much that I feel like my soul is tearing apart. I can’t handle the pain of not being able to be with George, to hold him, to laugh with him, to go on vacations with him, to watch TV with him, to dream about our plans together, to hear him call me sweetheart, baby, love of my life and on and on and on….I keep staring at his picture, reading his text messages while waiting for him to walk through the door with his special kiss. But I know that he will never walk through that door into my arms again. I can’t describe my terrible yearning for him. All the words I just wrote seem so inadequate not even anywhere near close to describing the pain of losing my one true love.
I feel like I'm being punished. I know I’m feeling a selfish pity for myself that this is all part of life but I can’t understand why I finally found my soul mate and after a little more than 5 short years together, as his caretaker I had to experience the most traumatic and excruciating pain of my life caring for him while I could do nothing more but to watch him die. In the many months of battling his illness, he was always concerned about friends and family. He never once cried or felt sorry for himself and after 13 painful months filled with hope then despair I lost him to a terrible illness called lung cancer.
George was such a genuinely good person who didn’t smoke and was only 38 years old. I don’t know why but I feel like I must have done something wrong. I can’t seem to make sense of why innocent children, good people, loved people, people who seem to have their whole lives ahead of them die in such a physically and emotionally painful way to such a cruel, painful and ugly diseases. At the same time I feel like the luckiest person in the world because in the short time I was blessed with George in my life, he taught more about kindness, love, humility and courage than any man I have ever known. The many life lessons he taught me has deeply enriched my life and those of my family. For the time I shared with George, I will be forever grateful. He was truly my best friend.
Some people live their whole life without meeting that special someone – their true soul mate. I finally found mine and he will live in my heart and soul forever and always.