Getting More Difficult
I have been visitng this site for the past six months, and have gotten so much comfort from reading the posts and the kind words that people post here. My father passed away on January 14th. He suffered Cardiac Arrest and was not able to be saved. I have to believe that he did not suffer, and I have to believe that the ER doctors did all they could, but now six months into my grief I feel worse. I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I sat by his bedside and held his hand while he died. He always protected me, always took care of me, and I couldn't help him. I was so close to my father. I am an only child and he was my everything. My teacher, my confidant, and my friend. I saw him almost every single day, and we talked on the phone several times a day. I have a husband and two beautiful children now, but there is such a huge, horrible void in my life, and I can't seem to work through it. I get overcome with grief and just explode into tears on a daily basis. My family has been wonderful and supportive, but I feel like I need to cry alone. I have not had any dreams of my father, and I think I need to. I need to see him and know that he is ok. He was a seemingly healthy man and I had seen him two days before he died. The shock of it all makes my grief worse because there was no closure and there was no chance to say "goodbye". He was here one day and gone the next. It still seems so unreal to me. My Mom and Dad were married for 49 years. Her sorrow and sadness is unbearable to watch. I thought that with time this would get easier, but for me, it is getting harder. Thanks for reading this, I know there are many who understand this pain.