Ghost of Christmas past...

by Hope
(Tappahannock VA)

Christmas 2012 My 3rd one without My Love. He died Dec.6th 2009 and I thought that I would hate Christmas forever, and I did that first year. The music piped out over the speakers of Walmart made me insane with grief. I could not even go there to get milk and bread. I would walk in as if facing battle and in truth it was a battle of my sanity that first year.

The 2nd Christmas I went to California to be with my sons. It was beautiful we saw lots of Christmas lights and though I loved being with my sons I yearned to be with the man I had loved for 17 years. I still felt cheated as I saw old people together, and though they might not understand how lucky they were to be a couple spending their golden years together I did. My Love was only 45 and I felt so jipped that 2nd year still.

Now it is my third year without My Love. It took an eternity but I can fully enjoy being with my kids in Colorado. I can see the love shine in my daughters eyes for her husband of only a year. Yes there is that little pang as she Loves and Cares for him and he her. But there is more joy knowing that they found what I was fortunate enough to have had my self once so very long ago yesterday.

It is my hope that others can also feel joy and contentment within their grief. It take time and I know that is the last thing a heart can hear or fathom. It is my Christmas wish to all hearts hurting that they know that far in the distance there is a light. And one day you will begin to live the life you were intended to live. Different Yes but we the survivors of grief will celebrate life as other cannot, will not. For others take life for granted. It is only after it is taken from you that you can understand how precious it is and how days are never ever to be wasted but breathed in and savored.

Life is for living with a zest! And I understand more that most mere mortals how hard that can be. Yes I still Grieve, Yes I still Want what I had like a small child wanting a toy.
Yes in the back of my mind, I want what can never be again. Yet I feel an excitement this Christmas morning seeing the snow that I wished for. Knowing that life is a miracle and I damn well better appreciate it because life is so very short.

My best to all out there trying to survive their first Christmas or their 3rd. As always one day one breath one step at a time...

Comments for Ghost of Christmas past...

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Jan 01, 2013
Chritmas past
by: Alassia


I know these last few days must have been particularly awful for you, as most days have been. I haven’t reached the first year memorial yet. It’s been nine months since my husband died.

I can only imagine what you are going through.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Dec 26, 2012
by: Judith

Hope, thank you so much for letting us know how you are getting on. I am 14 months into this nightmare of grief and loss and have just faced my second Christmas without my darling John. Christmas was always a special time in our house but now I feel it is just another horrible day to get through. There is no joy to it any more and I often wonder if I will ever be happy again or will I ever look forward to or get excited about anything again and reading your story somehow gives me some hope. I like to hear how you are getting on as I have followed your pieces since John passed away and it somehow gives me comfort to know that someone else is experiencing or has experienced what I am going through and is somehow surviving it and being able to move on. Thank you!

Dec 26, 2012
Our Future- One day At a time
by: Judith in California

Hi Hope, it's good to know you are fairing better than in the past few years. We are both at that 3rd season without our loves. Yes, we still grieve and miss them but this year is so different . One, I am alone on Christmas ,as my son could not make it, so all the food I had readied for the occaision will have to be given to someone. Two, all my friends had plans. But I am okay, not great, but okay.
We do know life is meant for living to our best and to enjoy what time we have left because it could change in a second.

I now see everything as temporary so as not to sweat the small stuff. Compared to loosing our loves , everything else is small stuff. I won't even make plans for more than a day at a time but do pray God gives me tomorrow.

May God continue to bless your life today and in the coming New Year.

Dec 25, 2012
Thank you
by: Katie

Thank you for your lovely message, it has given me hope. There was an empty space at Christmas dinner today where my dad should have been, I can't see past the heartbreak right now but hope to one day be a positive as you.

Dec 25, 2012
by: Carmen

Its my first Christmas without Mike my husband of 18 yrs the father of my twin 15yr old girls. He was only 54, taken so early. He was my rock my foundation. He kept me together and now with him gone I find myself falling apart at times. This day a yr ago he was in the hospital being taken to ICU. 5 days later he passed. I miss him so.

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