Ghost of Christmas past...
Christmas 2012 My 3rd one without My Love. He died Dec.6th 2009 and I thought that I would hate Christmas forever, and I did that first year. The music piped out over the speakers of Walmart made me insane with grief. I could not even go there to get milk and bread. I would walk in as if facing battle and in truth it was a battle of my sanity that first year.
The 2nd Christmas I went to California to be with my sons. It was beautiful we saw lots of Christmas lights and though I loved being with my sons I yearned to be with the man I had loved for 17 years. I still felt cheated as I saw old people together, and though they might not understand how lucky they were to be a couple spending their golden years together I did. My Love was only 45 and I felt so jipped that 2nd year still.
Now it is my third year without My Love. It took an eternity but I can fully enjoy being with my kids in Colorado. I can see the love shine in my daughters eyes for her husband of only a year. Yes there is that little pang as she Loves and Cares for him and he her. But there is more joy knowing that they found what I was fortunate enough to have had my self once so very long ago yesterday.
It is my hope that others can also feel joy and contentment within their grief. It take time and I know that is the last thing a heart can hear or fathom. It is my Christmas wish to all hearts hurting that they know that far in the distance there is a light. And one day you will begin to live the life you were intended to live. Different Yes but we the survivors of grief will celebrate life as other cannot, will not. For others take life for granted. It is only after it is taken from you that you can understand how precious it is and how days are never ever to be wasted but breathed in and savored.
Life is for living with a zest! And I understand more that most mere mortals how hard that can be. Yes I still Grieve, Yes I still Want what I had like a small child wanting a toy.
Yes in the back of my mind, I want what can never be again. Yet I feel an excitement this Christmas morning seeing the snow that I wished for. Knowing that life is a miracle and I damn well better appreciate it because life is so very short.
My best to all out there trying to survive their first Christmas or their 3rd. As always one day one breath one step at a time...