GO IT ALONE HERE OR JOIN A LIVE SUPPORT GROUP
by Judith in California
It's been 7 months and 11 days since being thrown into widowhood. It, like all of you , was not something we would have ever chosen but we know deep down our loves could not have survived for too long especially with an incurable disease and as sick as they were , death was inevitable and ,if honest, we prayed God would take them to relieve the pain and suffering or continuing loss of bodily functions and loosing their abilities to talk and let us know what is wrong with them, I for one could not ever put him in a home but it was getting close. I watched as he lost muscle mass and could barely walk with my help then his ability to speak. It broke my heart and I cried out "God, please take him . How can I care for him when we can't communicate anymore? I need to know if something hurts him so I can get him the help he needs.".
Well ,God must have felt it was time too because 4 days later he was gone due to pneumonia. Of course my heart was broken and still is and as I finally put the pictures of our lives in Albums I cry as I have been for the last 4 days. He began the albums before he became so bad he could no longer. So I hope he sees me from heaven and is pleased that I am continuing them.
I have realized one thing and that is that the more I come here the more I grieve. This is a wonderful site for immediate support but we all need to seek a support group with live people and be able to feel live support. My therapist told me it's not good to come here so often as it becomes a crutch to not move on. We just can't feed of of one another forever.
We all know this journey will never end. We will always have a "Grief Corner " in our hearts for them and upon occasion we will break down in tears of loving remembrance and sadness. We will always at some point want them back and miss our "US". We will always love and miss our loves even tho' they were perfectly imperfect. I loved mine and know our marriage was imperfectly perfect too. I would do it over again knowing that if I could. I'm sure you would marry yours too.
I will join a live group and look forward to meeting others who may help me and me them hopefully.
I will on a monthly basis return here to see how Patricia, Hope, Trish, Jules, Maria, Jen, Yvonne and the rest of you are doing.
I feel the pain of everyone of you and cry with you and for myself. I pray for your peace and resolution . I pray for your happiness and hope you will all find love again in the way you want it be it in another marriage or just a companionship. God meant for us to share our lives and since ours are not over we must find someone else , when we are ready, who won't be anything like our deceased. Its not supposed to be. They will learn to know us as much as we let them and them us. We will share ourselves again and hopefully begin new lives and accept the ebbs and flows. I for one hope to get there as I don't see it for now . It's still all too painful.
God bless our lives and bring us peace in Christ name ...Amen.