Go on, go on!
Go on, go on...
Everyone expects this of us: everyone says we have to 'go on’! What does it mean? Why, why, why must it be like this? I find myself silently screaming this question every day.
Go on – why do we have to? I don’t want to. I’m so tired. I don’t want to live in this empty world anymore.
And go on - with what? Without our loved one? With our dreams shattered? Without the future we had planned together? With no future?
‘One step at a time’, is often quoted...one step to where?
I’ve read so much about learning to live with the ‘new reality’ and about going on with our loved ones tucked in our hearts...I don’t want him tucked in my heart. I want to be with him!
I find I’m ‘living’ in two parallel worlds. I wake each morning and with each dawn, I discover again that he is dead: he’s not coming back! It’s not the bad dream I keep expecting to come out of. My darling always woke me gently (I’m not a morning person) with a cup of coffee, in bed. Now I wait until the last minute, dive into the shower and leave the house – without that coffee. In my external world, I go to work - as usual; I laugh and joke - as usual. At the end of the working day, reality kicks in – relentlessly. I cry all the way home...
It has been just over a year since my beloved husband died. Why do I have to go on without him?