"Godwinks"
by Patricia
~ June Lake ~
What are Godwinks? To me there things that happen that come into our lives, moments, sometimes people and in my case in Arkansas a horse. God's way of showing us were not alone, our love ones are showing him the little ways to let us know there still watching us and give little reassurances that were loved. Are they coincidences? Who know's ~ Break it down ~ "God" winks. I've discover a I've got couple Godwinks coming at me. June 21st is the 1 year mark and I'm scare as hell I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, lose control or go insane. I'm mean I'M SCARED!!!!! It's feels like the end of the world. I guess it's the confirmation of the end of that 1st year being gone. Before the 1st year mark its like your not there, its a hope of still having what I had with Billy. I know it sounds silly but it doesn't become really really final until after the 1st year. I know its not like he's coming back it just not so final. There's a lot of confusing feelings, I just can't find the words to explain it. Sorry, back to what I was saying. On Sunday June 12th a good friend I worked with in California will be in Las Vegas. Were going to meet, have dinner and talk. She give's great hugs and always had a ear for my ranting and ravings even when we worked together. On Thursday June 16th one of my friends from Arkansas is flying in and staying 4 days. Since she's never been to Las Vegas its tourist time and girls nights out. She leaves on the 20th ~ so June 21st ... "THE DAY" through June 23rd I'm on my own. I think my mother is picking up those day's because she has things she wants to do and places to go and I maybe in between jobs if I'm lucky. That's the hardest part but never fear reinforcements are coming in on Friday June 24th so any issues with me going insane, crazy and all out over the edge will be picked up with her for that week-end until Sunday June 26th. Now tell me, how did the people I care about and that care about me all happen to be in the right place at the right time??? "GODWINK"..... There's not to say I won't have pitfalls, down time, tears and heart stopping moments because they've already started. I'm reminding myself "I don't have to be in control" we know thats only a illusion and "It's OK to cry" because it's what I may need to do. I will not punish myself or put myself down that I should be doing this or should be doing that. The only thing I'm really heartbroken about is that I will not be in Arkansas at that time. Maybe its suppose to be but it still makes me sad and my heart aches. It seems I'm forever missing and longing for something I can't have. Its the same song forever playing over and over ... I try to remember, as I go down this journey, I know that because there is only 1 set of footprints in the sand its because the Lord is carrying me and he will until I have the strength to walk myself. Always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time
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